Sundays with Sylvia: Volume I

It's the first installment of Sundays with Sylvia, and todays topic is one that is always on everyone's mind: Your enormous cans.

If you're sick and tired of pinning your own arms down when you sleep on your back, you might be interested to hear what Sylvia has to say this week.

If, however, you make your living by crushing beer cans with your enormous breasts on national television, you might want to skip this post.

It probably goes without saying that if Sylvia thinks massaging the breasts is dangerous, then using them to break boards and crush cans would almost assuredly get you on her shit list.

I'm not exactly sure how drinking a glass of buttermilk every 2 hours for three days straight would do anything except give you diarrhea, but there you go. I have no theories on this subject, so if there are any nutritionists out there who know the boob-reducing ingredient in buttermilk, please let me know.

Apparently, it never fails.

I didn't want the twitchy, nervous, thin people to feel left out this week, so here's a little tip for you regarding your bathing habits:

Listen to Sylvia. Don't kill yourself, skinny people.

Also, there's something new happening over at humor-blogs.com -- you now have to register to vote, and you can vote on individual posts. I know that's a pain in the ass, but Sylvia would want you to at least check it out. Thanks.


  1. Holy HELL, JV, I don't even know what to say about this other than WTF???
    I am going to have to tell my husband that massaging breast is very dangerous. He will be so disappointed. Oh shit, I would be too, better not tell him that.
    Sylvia is full of shit!!

  2. You know what? Being a chick is TOUGH in this day and age. Geesh. I've read that we women have seen more "unnatural standards of beauty in one day than our mother had seen in their entire lifetime".

    So, I'll take this to task (not that I see its merit nor do I "need" to fix anything) but just for the sake of BS or what have you.

    Send me the Sylvia diet and I will do it. I'm a 32D and will give the buttermilk breast thing a try - but I'd rather not - I'll report to you every Sat so you can repor the results.

  3. JV, that video is scary. That woman must have a hell of a backache carrying those bowling balls around. And I want to know if she can do it topless.

  4. Anonymous10:53 PM

    people sure must have been a whole lot more gullible back then because our girl is full of caca.

    plus, back then woman wanted to have SMALLER boobs?! things sure have changed.

  5. Never massage them for any purpose. Oh damn, she takes the fun outta everything.

    Not sure if it's a good thing or not, but the video wasn't available "in my area" ?? LOL Isn't this the world wide web?

  6. She makes me glad I have small ones...LOL

  7. Even if I had those boobs I wouldn't go crashing stuff everywhere.
    That includes crashing them on national TV.

  8. Anonymous12:33 AM

    OK, Busty Heart? She needs medication. any woman who voluntarily pounds her breasts onto objects like that must have daddy/mommy issues. It was just too horrifying.
    I bet Sylvia is German.

  9. "Video is not available in your region"??!!?? God Dammit!
    As a skinny person who had a nice hot bath just yesterday I can attest to the deleterious effects of such behaviour. A few hours later I was barely able to keep my eyes open. Of course this had nothing to do with the 4 hours spent running around a Paintball Skirmish field pre-bath, nor the excessive food consumption and the nice glass of wine post-bath... It was obviously all down to that despicable bathing!

  10. BTW, Sylvia is a menace who obviously must be stopped, "Massaging he breasts is dangerous" my arse.

    Drowsey Monkey: It's "worldwide" as in "World Series Baseball". Everything else is just people who talk funny. :)

  11. Last week I had my suspicions, but this week confirms them...Sylvia is the head of the She-Woman Haters Group.

    Trying to take away everything that makes a woman beautiful, and in very painful, sickening ways.

    I think Sylvia needs an intervention.

  12. Anonymous8:25 AM

    If only there were more women like you in this day of age... taking charge, being innovative. Your musings are insightful, uplifting. In the contemporary world, we are all but subjected to women who lack the vibrancy that you do. You do not know the meaning of complacency. You strive to extend into the extraordinary, stretching the very fabric of existence.

    A pioneer? Without question. This blogger might go as far to say that Sylvia, my dear, you are arguably one of the greatest female personalities of this world. Mother Theresa? Oprah? Yeah, I guess they're OK.

    But Sylvia, by God, I salute you.

  13. Anonymous9:11 AM

    Ok, so I'm crazy and had to do some research. Our beloved Sylvia Ullback wrote articles like this in the LA Times back in the 30's also and then started to put her musings in book form. Interesting. I was wondering if she is still alive and looks like she's in her twenty-somethings.

    Oh, Johnny, I thought you'd like to know that the book is worth somewhere between $10 and $20 dollars on the net!

    Loved the entry!

  14. I am a nutritionist, and must admit, reading the buttermilk challenge just about brought me out in hives. Oh my gosh. There is no magical ingredient in buttermilk (although perhaps back in Sylvia's day, it wasn't the thin, watery slop in cartons from the supermarket today). Likely she is putting you on a diet that will make you lose water weight, and her assumption is, boobs are big saggy water balloons in need of a little draining. Your fear that such a diet will bring on The Diarrhea isn't off the mark.

    Of course, I am also a skinny girl who loves to lounge in tubs of scalding hot water...so what do I know?!

  15. The only result that could come from drinking buttermilk every two hours would not be a breast reduction...it would be an ass widening. That stuff is high in fat and calories!

    I started reading and admit that I was momentarily excited to have a new method to reduce my 48 J sized pain in the back, then I realized that Sylvia is not only delusional, but flat chested and clueless. Oh well.

    (And no I am not the boobie chick in the video. Just an obnoxiously large breasted woman looking for a quick fix.)

  16. Massaging the breasts and hot baths are dangerous? I have to vote with nicole on this one and add a double-shot of WTF(???) to this one.

    On the other hand I did spend a half hour or so in a hot bath with my skinny, not-large breasted girlfriend a few nights ago resulting in a dangerous lack of sleep. Of course that was really only dangerous since we were facing a 5-hour drive to the beach the next day.

    Nicole is right: Sylvia is full of shit.

    And Leigh? Big boobs are seriously overrated. I'm not sure who started the myth that "bigger is always better", but if it was a guy he was the exception, not the rule.

    I know this is supposed to be humorous, but I feel compelled to be serious for just a tiny moment here. No matter how fantastic the rack is, if I can't respect the woman attached to it I'm not gonna be impressed. So to all you A's-and-nearly-B's out there I say "Be Proud!"

    And Persnickety? I never even heard of a J-cup until you mentioned it. You're making my back hurt and I'm a guy!

  17. Me thinks Sylvia is a little whacked in the head.

    And yeah...buttermilk will bring on the diarrhea even in those not lactose intolerant.

    And I really want to know why massaging the breasts is dangerous. She has to go into detail about this somewhere in the book, hasn't she??

  18. Never fear. If I drink buttermilk to reduce my 38DDDs, then I can just squeeze and rub the new fat off my ass tomorrow.

  19. Anonymous11:11 AM

    This explains why Sylvia always made me go for the Rod Carew*

    (going straight from first base to third in case you weren't aware)

  20. Anonymous11:23 AM

    Who would ever want to listen to a women that looks that scarry!?

  21. Wow............... I wonder if this broad was married, and if her husband was a guru like her, things you might find in his book...??? How to shrink your bag.?? Maybe the celebs she worked with were on a dose of Opium too?

  22. I'm blind!!!!!!!!!

  23. Anonymous12:40 PM

    Damn. No more buttermilk for me ...

  24. Dude. Thanks a LOT. I innocently clicked on your video (having been falsely lulled into believing it wouldn't be too bad as it had an NBC logo on it) and my Russian mother-in-law walked in and saw me watching a woman violently crushing the hell out of something with her gargantuan bazongas.

    We stared at each other for a minute and she's now run off to her bedroom where, undoubtedly, she'll call all of her Russian relatives and tell them what a freak I am.

    She doesn't speak any English so I can't tell her that it's JOHNNYS FUCKING FAULT!

  25. Bex, that is hilarious. It's like a Seinfeld episode or something.

  26. Anonymous4:35 PM

    Well actually, buttermilk nowadays is mostly low fat, and only has a few more calories (2g of fat per 250ml), a lower glycemic load, and a higher "fullness factor than skim/non-fat milk, so it really isn't that bad for you.

    That said, the "diarrhea factor" would definitely come into play... ew!! And I have no idea how it reduces the boobs, except for the loss of water, as previously mentioned by another commenter.

    I guess my boobs will have to remain the same size, with gentle touching only... hmmm...

    I can't see the "boob" video either. After reading the comments, all I can say is, "Thank goodness!"

    Now as for the skinny people/bath issue, if they are anxious and nervous, wouldn't a nice hot bath to remove some of their "vitality" calm them down? Sounds like a good thing to me.

    "Sundays with Psycho Sylvia"

  27. Thanks, Johnny. Just think - I owe it all to you....

  28. arouse your circulation....
    I never used a towel fot that before..

  29. My boobs hurt just watching that wacko. I can't believe she's really serious. I would be interested to know how she learned she had that particular talent.

    As for Sylvia, I prefer to live dangerously by continuing as needed breast massage!!

  30. I must confess, the buttermilk thing got me a bit fixated...and so, some research was in order. No Western dietary theory advocates making your boobs tiny by drinking buttermilk but get a load of this, from an Ayurveda website:

    "The meaning is quite clear. One should drink buttermilk...There is tremendous importance of buttermilk in the diet. Daily one should consume buttermilk...those who have to undertake work involving use of intelligence need butter and ghee [clarified butter]. The body does not require it, but their intelligence needs it badly...If people using intelligence do not consume ghee, then the capacity of their intelligence goes on decreasing."

    I think what Sylvia and Ayurveda are saying is: girls with big tits are not taken seriously. Hmmm...like a blonde joke, only made from buttermilk...

  31. Anonymous12:17 AM

    What's with this lady and Turkish towels? Everything else sounds perfectly reasonable...

  32. "You skinny ones have no vitality to spare".

    Following that logic, I am an invincible Viking goddess and all who look upon me should fall in reverential worship.


  33. was going to say something along the lines of "she's got cans..." but thought that would be more painful than watching it was. Funny stuff with Sylvia - looking forward to more "advice".

  34. I am led to believe Sylvia must not have had a man in her life. I mean WTF, do not massage the breast? My man would rather put me at risk and I am going to have to go with him on this one.

  35. That gal would have been a perfect contestant on The Gong Show. Let's face it though, it is a talent. Can you do it? I certainly can't.

  36. Anonymous2:04 PM

    Well, it's nice to know she's right-boob dominate. And since when it is dangerous to squeeze and massage breasts? On the subway? I wish I was skinny enough to take her advice, I wonder what she has to say about all the fatties.

  37. I don't get it - shouldn't really skinny people take hot baths instead of warm showers because they have no body fat and will freeze to death in the cold shower that she recommends?

    Every year I jump into a cold lake in mid-November in Ohio (along with several thousand other people), and let me tell you something: I have body fat on me, and I generally fare much better than my super-skinny roommates.

  38. Sylvia is a genius. We all know that if it feels good then it has to be bad for you and as for buttermilk just look at Sylvia..... Of coarse it works.
    Ah the wisdom of the woman. Pure genius. P U R E G E N I U S.

  39. now i know that i made the right decision to get the surgery! holy shit. i could have ended up like that woman!

  40. Good to know that Busty Heart still has some "work". I remember seeing ads for her, um "show" at a "nightclub" in Springfield, Mass in the back of the local arts weekly about twenty years back.

    Do you think Sylvia's method will work for reducing Man Boobs?

  41. My husband and his friends went and saw that Busty show. Their eyes never quite returned to their sockets... Sylvia stories are so funny. Can't wait til next Sunday!

  42. Okay, what I would love to see, perhaps at the end of this series, is Sylvia's obit. Just what did take her in the end? Was she savaged by her own collection of Turkish towels?

  43. I had to search out more on Sylvia of Hollywood and found this hilarious blog - worth a read: http://tinyurl.com/6plzcw

  44. Anonymous2:17 AM

    lol...what sylvia is doing is giving women a 7 day cleansing crash diet. most women lose first in the breasts when they lose weight.

    problem is when they return to their regular diets, so will their breasts.

  45. I am writing a book on Sylvia of Hollywood, so if you have anything other than the books she's written (not including the ghost-written one) do let me know.