Extra duck sauce for everyone.

Today, we wandered around downtown Saratoga for a while because it was such a nice day out. Since it was a weekday, it was spectacularly uncrowded, and I loved it. We hit the coffee shop, the bookstore, the tattoo parlor, etc. When we done wasting time, we walked back to the car. The sidewalk we were walking on runs parallel to a tall iron fence that separates the street from Congress park.

When we were nearing the car, I heard some quacking, and when I looked toward the fence I saw a mallard duck walking on the grass. Through the bars, I spotted a kid and his mom walking on the path toward the duck. The kid was running ahead a little bit, his hand outstretched. He was holding a cracker or a piece of bread or something -- obviously trying to feed the duck. His mom wasn't exactly keen on the idea, and she was desperately calling him back. "Josh! Leave the ducks alone! They aren't hungry!"

I am a sucker for wildlife of any sort, and so before we got into the car I decided to quickly run up to the fence and see what I could see. I got to the fence just in time to realize that the ducks in question were actually pretty hungry after all.

It turns out there were two males and a female, and the lone female didn't seem to be having a very good time of it. Or maybe she was having a good time -- I confess to not knowing what sort of kinky stuff chick-ducks are into these days. One male was holding the female by the neck with his beak and humping the shit out of her while the other male looked on and quacked his encouragement. I'm not sure if he just liked to watch, or if he was waiting his turn, but I quickly turned back toward the car to let them have their privacy.

In retrospect though, given the fact that they were busily rough-humping a foot away from the sidewalk, I'm pretty sure they didn't care all that much about their privacy. Apparently, hot, juicy duck-love overrides all inhibitions.

At least I knew why mom wasn't too keen on letting junior attempt to shove crackers at them, and I applaud her-- because if there's one thing I hate, it's when complete strangers try to feed me crackers while I'm attempting to get busy. It really wrecks the mood.*

If you vote for me by clicking here, you will save a duck (or three) untold measures of embarrassment.

*Unless they're those bright orange crackers with the peanut butter inside.


  1. Anonymous1:13 AM

    Reminds me of my last / first fiancee. She loved the public banging. Not so much the crackers. Weird. I mean... Who doesn't like crackers?

  2. Anonymous7:02 AM

    I'm interested in learning a bit more about your calendar where Friday is the middle of the week.

    So what tattoo did you choose?

  3. I used to work for a natural history society and the tree outside our building was home to some species of beetle, of which at least ten couples would be mating at any given time.

  4. No offense, but I've already covered homosexual duck rape a few posts ago - AND I have the pictures to back it up. What have you got - a whole lotta WORDS..

    ; )

  5. This post's title may be my favorite one ever. Just nasty!

  6. dammit daniel. Between blogger dates and me being on vacation, I don't know what day it is. But I fixed it for you.

    Lew, did she like it when your friends watched and made quacking noises?

    ddd, beetles? ew.

    Alice, these ducks weren't homosexuals. And I didn't have my stupid camera! It seems like I never have my camera when ducks are doing it.

  7. Anonymous11:05 AM

    I had to laugh. A blogging friend of mine recently wrote about her daughter's zoo field trip where it seemed they had arrived on a designated "mating" day.

    Over the May Long Weekend here we were in the Rockies and visited a place with ponds, fish and ducks for the kids to feed. While we were there numerous m males were "drowning" the female and our daughter who is five came to the conclusion that the ducks were fighting. "Yep," my husband agreed much to the delight of the Dutch tourist who laughed himself silly at the evasion.

    What can you do? It's spring.

  8. Anonymous11:14 AM

    We used to go trout fishing at a park, and there was always some male duck trying to get it on with the female in the water. Even though I knew what they were doing, it used to make me so mad that he was practically drowning her. My BF was embarassed many times by me throwing rocks at the duck lovers and telling him to "Get off her and leave her alone!"

    I second Daniel's inquiry - which one of you got the tat, where, and what is it?

  9. Anonymous3:11 PM

    ...I'm sure she would have loved the extra animal noises. Like a submarine, I run deep and silent... And usually fast.


  10. Did the female do the victory dance at the end? Back when I used to sit at the bar for hours at my dad's yacht club and watch ducks 'do it' in the harbor, the females used to conclude the festivities by rearing up on their tails and flapping their wings vigorously. I always thought that was cool.

    I've tried it myself once or twice but usually just end up smacking someone upside the head. Talk about killing the mood...

    IKWYM about the orange crackers w/pb in them. There is no inappropriate time for those.

  11. and nothing sucks more than crumbs in bed...

  12. I love it when people feed me -- I need the extra energy.

  13. 1. I want to see your tattoo. Pictures please.
    2. Hilarious kangaroo photo. Um kid? Not while Kanga is getting some.
    3. Extra duck sauce for everyone? Seriously. Did you have to go there? Yuck.

  14. not to get off the duck sex theme but you shouldn't feed ducks bread products anyway

    it gives them no nutrition and can actually lead to big problems

    the rangers out here tell us to feed them greens or pet food

    preferably dog food

    now lets go back to the regularly scheduled duck sex conversation :-)

  15. Anonymous2:12 PM

    Well hey, I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers... Oh damn, that's right, you are married. Crap. No crumbs for me...

  16. oh. And thanks to you I gorged myself on goldfish crackers dipped in peanut butter last night. Lucky for you I'm not on a diet or I'd be stinking mad.

  17. i agree with you on the crackers. but what if someone were trying to feed you salisbury steak? that would really be tempting.

  18. Good to see you. Nice to read you. "Duck sauce" indeed. Tch.

  19. Thought I would mention that two Mallards (Mr. & Mrs) have decided to take up residence in my backyard (at least from breakfast through the evening meal). While I have enjoyed watching them (she likes to sit in the big water dish that is there for the woodland creatures), have never seen duck-shagging. He is obviously an "ass man" because he follows her everywhere ... even sits behind her when they settle into the grass for a little snooze. But now after reading your story and readers comments have determined that I will need to watch them more closely because I really want to see the Victory Dance.

  20. Anonymous11:11 AM

    Mallards will screw anything! Even lawn orniments (no kidding). On a research trip we saw 5 males lined up taking turns on a poor female, her hubby was even in the line!!!

  21. Every time we go to the zoo here the turtles are getting it on. Galapagos turtle sex is a strange site to behold.

  22. RPH, that's like tantric or something, right?

  23. Just a little follow-up.

    This afternoon I did indeed witness Mallard Madness in my back yard. And, in fact, once the shagging had ended, Mrs Mallard did the vicotry dance ... and Mr Mallard walked away and did one of his own.

    15 Minute Lunch is certainly a learning center.

  24. Big K, you may now do your own victory dance!

  25. Thanks, Bro

    The next time I have the opportunity I will Strut My Stuff,

    just like Mr Mallard ... we can learn from the animals

  26. Anonymous6:29 AM

    you're going to make me start looking at duck sauce(s) from a different light now. hahaha! oy...

    first time here, but has been lurking on and off for awhile now. love your blog!!

  27. Anonymous11:38 PM

    The female duck was probably not enjoying it.
    Male ducks are rapists!