Maybe try the ice tongs.

I figured I had seen everything there was to see in the men's room. At least during normal business hours. Apparently this is not the case.

Today, I followed a gentleman into the bathroom and witnessed something completely new to me. In case you were wondering, I followed him by chance, not design. What I mean to say is that I don't make a habit of following strange men into the bathroom just to see what there is to see. I was just going in there to rinse out my coffee cup.* Now that we've cleared that up, on with the story.

He walked in, went directly to the paper towel dispenser, and cranked out a few sheets. It's pretty narrow in there, so I waited for him to grab the paper towels before trying to sneak past him to the sink. Much to my surprise, he didn't take the towels and leave. Nor did he blow his nose, or wipe coffee or ketchup off his clothes, or wet it and wash his face...he did none of those things you would normally expect someone to do with a wad of paper towels.

What he did instead was this: He hung a right and headed toward the urinals opposite the sinks and mirrors, where he proceeded to use the paper towels to take out and hold his junk while he pissed.

First off, if your junk is so fucked up that even YOU don't want to touch it, you might want to look into getting it removed. Or I suppose you could wait a week until it falls off by itself. Either way, I am pretty sure that when you're at the paper towel stage, it's clearly not going to get better on its own.

Secondly, there's the apparent lack of control inherent with this technique. Although he seemed to have it down, there is no way I would be remotely comfortable with it. I think the lack of tactile feedback would adversely affect my aim. It would be like trying to hold a breakfast sausage with an oven mitt. (Obviously, a really big breakfast sausage. Ahem. Anyway.)

I'll admit, when I saw this novel behavior, I was curious. I grabbed some paper towels myself, and -- I am almost ashamed to admit this -- I started drying my coffee cup.

What were you expecting? I'm not an idiot and I had no desire to spend the rest of my day with pissed on clothes. I was just stalling to see what was going to happen next.

I have many theories about this guy and his untouchable member. First I thought maybe he just had an aversion to water, and didn't feel like washing his hands. With the paper towel method, he could avoid touching the festering sores and then just open the door with the paper towel on his way out. Obviously, this would be disgusting, but I put nothing past humans in their natural habitat.

That theory, however, was destroyed soon after it was conceived because when he was done he used the paper towel to zip up, then threw it in the garbage before washing his hands.

Actually, that's pretty much the only theory I had. I still can't figure it out. If anyone has any other bright ideas as to what was going on here, let me know. People are strange, I know that much.

I think I'm going to start donning one of these before I take a piss, just to see what people do.

For more humor you can't touch without a paper towel, check out humor-blogs.com. Even though the Clay Pigeon is no more, there's still lots of good stuff over there every single day.

* [edited] It wasn't the one I was using, for god's sake. I'm much too OC for that. It was a mediocre travel mug that had languished, unused and forgotten, on my desk for a week or so. It had become a disgusting science experiment, and I needed to dislodge the life form from the bottom before I brought it home to be washed. Now you are all making me think I should have just thrown it out. And also making me think I should have skipped this post entirely.


  1. Anonymous10:59 PM

    "I have to imagine that it would be like trying to hold a breakfast sausage with an oven mitt. Obviously, a really big breakfast sausage."

    This actually made me snort out loud - good thing I am home alone.

    I'm wondering if you're guy isn't a little bit OCD. Some people just have a cleanliness thing that goes way beyond the bounds of normal. This behavior has me wondering all sorts of other weird things about him though. And you - where did you find that frightening glove? I need one.

  2. That shit is hilarious.

    I'd watch out if I were you. You're like some kind of deviant bathroom behavior magnet.

    Keep your sausage safe.

  3. Hilarious and freaky at the same time. But is it possible that something is wrong with his hands and not his junk? Maybe you should be more worried about this guy than you originally thought - what with him touching stuff around the office all day.

    I'm just sayin'.

  4. Anonymous11:35 PM

    My husband is on a medication that can be passed through skin to skin contact. Oddly enough he has to use toilet paper or wear gloves when he takes care of business so he doens't do damage to his nether region. It's a form a chemo that is sweat out through the skin and hands are a pretty sweaty thing.

    I'd have LMAO if I saw something like that without knoowing what I do now though!

    The sausage analogy is awesome though!


  5. I think he is hands down the most germaphobic person you're ever going to encounter.


  6. Or I suppose you could wait a week until it falls off by itself
    Holy crap, that was a good one!
    Seriously, WTF???

  7. How many times have you written about how disgusting the bathroom is at work....

    and you TOOK YOUR COFFEE CUP IN THERE!?!?!?!?

    Granted, it's not quite at bad as the time I was working in a lab and a professor came and brushed his teeth in the lab while I was culturing E. coli, but still.

    I am very disturbed that you TOOK YOUR COFFEE CUP IN THERE!!!!!

    It could have ended up with pee in it!

  8. I have to say reading your entries about washrooms has made me look at the ones at the college where I work with new eyes. I'll let your imagination run loose with that image.

    But what was my father doing in the loo at your workplace? He has to be the most OCD person I know, and I would not be surprised if he did something like that... and then proceed to wash his hands until they are red as usual. But what's a little obsessive hygiene but compensation for all the others who lack it, as you so eloquently wrote elsewhere on your blog. If anything, err on the side of caution.

    And yet, I have to wonder why you care what other people do when they go in to answer the call of nature. Ever thought about what they may think about your own behaviour and your large breakfast sausage, and possibly post in their own blogs? Who knows what you have unleashed?

  9. Anonymous3:09 AM

    I wanted to read about him using one latex glove, so he'd look like Micheal Jackson taking a pee, except without the small boy watching. But I suppose a paper towel is a nice enough runner up. You should be appreciative though, he could have washed his man business in the sink right next to your coffee cup, then where would you be? mmmm hmmmm... yuck

  10. Lol , ur Post rocks dude and I can see why the Blog is rated so high . I'm still laughing trying to picture someone's Junk falling off , how would that happen maybe if they spanked the monkey using Corrosive instead of a lotion ?!!!

  11. My 3 bears, what?? Whoa. The stuff I learn from my blog...

    Stephanie, I'm not insane. I was washing a um...chunk...of fuzzy coffee out of a travel mug that had been on my desk for a week. No way I was drinking out of it until it hit a dishwasher somewhere.

    Doreus, I don't want to care. They *make* me care.

  12. Anonymous6:03 AM

    I have on occasion washed my hands before handling my junk at the urinal but just because my hands were dirty. I never heard of this permutation.

    This guy sounds like he is way waaay down the OCD highway.

    And I never open any public restroom door to leave without paper towels, or in the case of restrooms with those wretched blow dryers, a gob of tp.

  13. Ever hear the expression "I wouldn't schtup her with YOUR junk"? Is it possible that someone schtupped someone objectional with his plumbing and now he's just taking precautions ubtil the test results come in? Hmmm?

    See, there's a logical explanation for everything.

  14. LOL! I was thinking along the same lines as Stephanie. But I figured you most have temporarily lost your mind.
    I'm glad you cleared that up!

  15. OCD, plain and simple.

  16. In the interest of not thinking about it too much I'm going to have to go ahead and accept my-3-bears explanation...its the least creepy.

    And how about you have two coffee cups and you take them HOME from time to time to wash? Because the potty is no place to wash something that will touch your lips. Especially in the freakshow mens room at your office! Someone could have done that tissueless snoogie thing in the sink.

  17. I liked you better when your childhood friend was driving you into the sky.


  18. Anonymous11:17 AM

    Sounds like this papertowel guy has some MAJOR OCD issues...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  19. Several Thoughts:

    1. Never use that urinal where you saw this guy again. His disease may be contagious.

    2. Maybe he recently underwent an adult circumcision? Though this wouldn't really explain it either.

    3. This guy is fubar and probably a child molester. I'm not sure what paper towels have to do with child molestation, but damnit there has to be a connection.

  20. Did you get a whiff of the odor of decaying flesh while this guy was airing out his presumably decaying dong?

    As for the chemo reason someone posted, if that goo is circulating through the blood of the patient, as far as I know, it's going to circulate down there, too.

  21. Anonymous12:12 PM

    You had me at, "...a really big breakfast sausage..."

  22. Anonymous12:26 PM

    Wait! What he was concerned about was global warming so he used the paper towels before so that he only had to turn the water on once, to wash his hands afterwards. He's just thinking about you and your future!!!

    (lol, not really, he was a freak, but it sounded good. and lolol, big sausage, big oven mitt.)

  23. As soon as I figure out why women do what I have witnessed over the years in public bathroom(s); I will start trying to figure out the men.

    That being typed I now realize I will never be able to move onto men – because the women are way beyond my mental capabilities as to the why’s of what they do.


  24. Seen this a lot. Have my own blog queued up over this crap. Shoot, he flushed AND washed!!! I got one here that does neither....

  25. It wasn't the one I was using, for god's sake. I'm much too OC for that. It was a mediocre travel mug that had languished, unused and forgotten, on my desk for a week or so. It had become a disgusting science experiment, and I needed to dislodge the life form from the bottom before I brought it home to be washed. Now you are all making me think I should have just thrown it out. And also making me think I should have skipped this post entirely.

    Oh dear JV, now we have gone and upset you!!!
    But seriously, you see how one could have thought that you meant that you were rinsing the cup that you were currently drinking from. It was a vague statement. We were only concerned for your health and well-being, JV!!

  26. Anonymous4:27 PM

    If he was dipping jalapenos with those fingers, he made the right choice in not touching anything that should treated with care. I know, small chance that he was, but a few experiences with the "fire down below" have taught me care.

  27. Maybe he had poison ivy hands. My brother once went to the bathroom, and did not realize that he had poison ivy oil on his hands. It's an itch you don't want to scratch.

  28. Anonymous8:52 PM

    I still don't understand how you managed to see exactly what he was doing with the paper towel. (Ahem.) Maybe he has poor bladder control and had pissed a bit in his trousers and was trying to blot. Maybe he stuffs and was changing out his wad - what you saw him throw away was actually his used, um, enhancement. Maybe he just likes to use the paper towel cover when he pushes the urinal flush lever (completely understandable) and wasn't actually placing the towel between his fingers and his junk. I mean, to discount that last theory, you would have had to actually see his dongle! Did you see it?! DID YOU SEE IT?! Oh my gosh, you saw it, you sick bastard.

  29. Thanks for clarifying


  30. Poison Ivy? Global warming, hot sauce...all bad things when mixed with urine.

    Brother makes an excellent point. I did not actually see what he did with the paper towel, since his back was to me. I simply immediately jumped to a conclusion that may or may not have been correct. However, he did grab the paper towel before and not after, so unless he was actively planning on pissing himself, it doesn't make sense. I do like the "didn't want to handle the flush lever" theory though because even though this is a fairly modern building, we still have no auto-flush.

    See, that's what I come to you people for. Answers to life's tough questions.

  31. I commented on this same type of situation on one of your bathroom entries.

    At my work there was an older gentleman who also used a paper towel to "hold his junk" while he pissed. Afterwards he would scrub his hands with hot water and lots of soap for at least 5 minutes. We always wondered what was so wrong with his weiner that he had to handle it like hazmat. We nicknamed him "Pee Pee Man."

    This is the same man who would put a can of soap on top of the pilot light of his stove so that it would be hot by the time he got home at night.

    Creative genius or psychopath?

  32. Oops, I meant "can of soup" not "can of soap" (although a can of soap would be just as weird).

  33. I was just sitting here thinking, "why would he want warm soap?"

  34. Anonymous11:32 PM

    After 33 comments I really should just shut up about this.

    But I won't. I thought long and hard about this dude's weiner problem. (Okay, that was lame.)

    But here's the thing.

    Say I'm Mr. Canttouchthis. Okay, I have OCD or a medical issue. So far so good. Now I need to go wee wee. Still good.

    But, I HAVE to know that using paper towels is kinda odd. Right? So if it was me, I'd either:

    A) Be way more discreet. I'm not gonna let some dude who followed me into the men's room blog about me. So I take the paper towels and pretend to blow my nose or something. I don't know, but something.


    B) Come back later. Just look in the mirror, pretend I'm checking my teeth, wash my hands, whatever. And then leave and come back.

    That's the part I can't put my finger on...

    (Okay, that was lame joke number 2...)

    -weesle909 (why does blogger hate my password and is forcing me into anonymousness?)

  35. okie jokes apart, i have a theory behind this upsetting trend this man u observed seems to be setting.

    I believe that he was using the paper towels to absorb those pesky insolent last drops tht seems to drain out only once we put the pecker back in .

    so, i think u just witnessed a solution to an age old problem ...next time u see this guy, ask him if u can video record this and post it on the net as a social service to all of us who sports a wet patch whenever we wear light colored linen pants...

  36. Anonymous11:20 AM

    As though I didn't laugh loudly enough at the blog, then I got to tracy and everyone's brothers comments and lost it again. Law offices frown upon laughter at work.

    Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't read your blog at work.


    The dude's either seriously OCD or he has a penis infection of some sort.

    Now can you find out why women piss all over the toilet seats in public restrooms? And how it is they manage to miss the toilet with their used tissue?

    I'd be eternally grateful.

  37. Anonymous11:34 AM

    Let's agree to disagree

  38. Agree to disagree about what?

    Amy, the answer there is simple. Blame "the hover." Woman refuse to sit down, so they hover over the seat. Because of the nature of the um, beast, there's no telling where liquid will be landing.

  39. I was going to suggest what Matt M said, a friend told me about that happening to him once and it was AFTER he washed his hands, too.

    If it's OCD it makes me wonder how he jacks off.

  40. OMG..the blog entry was hysterical and the comments are just as funny! I can totally see this guy holding his schlong with paper towels, but i'll agree with Tys on ice and say that he was probably dabbing it dry. When he threw it away was it schlog shaped or just all balled up? Oh boy...this is too funny! Great post

  41. Anonymous2:04 PM

    You, Sir, are a Meat gazer!

    Maybe you could have helped him to relax, but nooooo. Just stared.

    Perhaps you wanted the bathroom to your self. So ther might not be any stagefright. In that case you say out loud, "Nice Penis"!

    Works good in shipboard bathrooms.

  42. I did not gaze upon the meat. Not ever, unless you count the one time that guy walked in through the door and already had it out in anticipation of a fine piss. Or whatever he was anticipating. I got the hell out of dodge.

  43. Yes, the fe-hover is a veritable b#$%! (I was going to make fun of you and say it's fool-proof, but I've actually peed down the side of my leg once and managed to catch it before it hit anything...I was at a showing of Chicago - sort of appropriate considering we would be sitting in the front row with a generous view of an entire line of nether- regions.)

    As far as that OCD dude's knob-rot, well, I'm with those guys on the poison ivy and hot sauce theories. (Though in reality, if the back-dribble is such a wide-spread pandemic, then I reneg and go with that.) Reminds me of the post about a client who confessed to having had not one, but two cases of poison ivy in his man-parts. God bless 'im for owning it and being the laughing-stock of our conference call.


  44. Toilets in the women's restrooms should have some type of electrical device installed in the seat, so that when women hover and get piss on the seat, an alarm goes off, or they get electricuted or something equally unpleasant.

    I hate women who hover!!! If you think the seat has germs, get toilet paper and put it on top of the seat and then pee. We women are not anatomically designed to aim while peeing, that's why we don't have urinals.

    If anyone reading this is a woman who hovers...shame on you! I get tired of having to go from stall to stall looking for a seat with no piss on it!!!

  45. The behavior in the women's bathroom can also be bizarre. This women came out of the stall still pulling up her slacks. She then proceeded to turn on the water faucet, she stood there for a few moments, turned the faucet off and walked out. Guess she changed her mind about washing her hands. What a dingbat!

  46. Anonymous6:22 PM

    Just to let you know, these comments have encompassed 13 euphamisms for penis. Nice work, everyone.

    Jing & Ying - I just made that same suggestion about the seat sensor yesterday! Except I said they should be automatically locked in until they wipe it up. Sprayers begone!

  47. Anonymous8:02 PM

    nai-nai, the woman who stood there running the water and not washing her hands is probably still re-enacting sham behavior that she developed during childhood. She would run the water so her parents would believe she was washing her hands...

    re: the dribble on the seats in the ladies room...some public toilets have these incredibly powerful flushes that spray water back up out of the toilet(in the air, on the seat). How is that for digusting...you have to flush and run...and it probably looks like you were guilty of a "hover" yourself afterward.

    I am thinking too much about public restrooms now!

  48. The toilets in Australia do that! The flusher is positioned so that you can't use your foot flush, so you have to lean directly over the toilet bowl and hit the button, then try to get out of the way as fast as you can because otherwise you will get sprayed with toilet contents. At first I tried looking to see whether it flushed in the other direction but I quickly learned to just get out of the way.

  49. Anonymous1:32 AM

    And you thought a paper cut on the tongue hurt?

  50. On the plus side, it could explain the state of the toilet floors as you've previously mentioned. If indeed it does affect his aim, you may have just solved the mystery of who pees all over the floor.

    You would have thought he'd have just gone and used a stall rather than the urinal though...

  51. now that is odd...i don't even use one when i touch...well nevermind :)

  52. HILARIOUS!!!!!
    This is definitely a first I have heard of someone taking a piss in this manner! hahaha!!!

  53. house of suz...that was some funny $hit!!! "makes me wonder how he jacks off". I'm in my office and I seriously laughed out loud at that one..now my office mates think I'm crazy...but i'm still laughing!

  54. Anonymous3:32 PM

    Need to research this one further, but I believer there are some extreme muslims that believe they should not touch their intimate regions bare handed. Again, not sure, but I believe I read this somewhere.

  55. Anonymous4:29 PM

    Ok, it is interesting the returns you get when you google "some religion that believes they shouldn't touch their junk directly with their bare hand". But after drilling a bit, here is what I found...


    Not sure if the gentleman appeared to be Muslim, but this could relate to one of your earlier posts about the man in the bathroom blowing snot rockets and washing up before doing the business.

  56. I once worked with a woman who, after using the toilet, would wash her hands before zipping/buttoning her pants, then she would use a paper towel to open the door too. Germophobe.

  57. Anonymous5:32 PM

    Hoverers are bitches. 1. The odds of catching something from a damned toilet seat are slim to none. 2. One must think about HOW one uses a toilet seat -- I don't know anyone who scrapes his or her bunghole on the seat, much less someone who does that AND has one of the few infectious diseases that can be spread by non-sexual contact. 3. I'm pregnant! Pregnant women can't hover! I just pick the least disgusting toilet, wipe it with a Clorox wipe and then do my business rather than piss all over the seat like a two year old boy.

    Oh dear. I've completely lost sight of the point of this blog, the mysterious salami wrapper.

  58. I have two additional comments to make.

    1. my husband said he used to work with a guy like this, and they called him towel boy.

    2. He said he was always stunned when he thought about it, because the sausage is probably the cleanest thing in the bathroom.

  59. Yea, I'm late in this thread. I've been slacking off on the blogging circuit recently. Damn. Look at the things I miss.

    Maybe it was just one of those idiosyncratic behaviors exhibited by a person who's gotten into that habit for years, or yea, he just has a SEVERE case of OCD. I don't mean a little bit. I mean way beyond. Why doesn't he just dangle it in the toilet while sitting down so he doesn't have to actually touch it, so as in the poison ivy or hot sauce cases?

    And in your defense, JV, my poison just so happens to be chai latte, so that puppy would be coming into the stall with me, too. Gotta have my CHAI!

  60. Anonymous9:22 PM

    that's pretty weird. then again, i've never seen a man do his business either wayyy so i guess i don't know about those things lol

  61. Anonymous6:26 AM

    You've never seen the junk mitts on HSN? They always sell out. But notin the XXXLs like they do with the women's sweaters.

  62. If you ever see the guy again, I would not recommend shaking his hand... ever.

    One additional thought... perhaps he has a fetish for papertowel.

    Now you feel safe, don't ya?

  63. Anonymous9:14 AM

    I've gone about half way down the comments AND I HAVE THE ANSWER!!!!!

    1. This guy reads your blog, knows who you are and has read your bathroom posts. Seeing you in the restroom, he decided to give you some material for your blog by doing something inexplicable!

    2. Either that, or he's a freak....

    My money's on #2. He's a freak! (but I bet y'all thought for a second I was a genius! ... or not...)

  64. Anonymous2:37 AM

    That's the most messed up thing I've heard in a long time. That dude has issues.

  65. Anonymous9:41 PM

    Gutu wants details on the paper towel guy. Don't disappoint Gutu.