Happy "Valintines" Day.

Remember when you were a kid, and Valentine's day would roll around? Remember how you'd be up late the night before, making sure you had a valentine for everyone, because that was the rule? Remember how you would always make sure to put a little 'extra effort' into that one for the girl or boy you had a crush on? You don't? Well screw you, then. I don't want a card from you anyway.

I was driving home tonight and wondering what I was going to post, when I remembered that in my stash of childhood artwork, there was an envelope full of valentines from my 2nd and third grade class. I did a little digging through the pile, and even found one I had made for my mom.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane. A trip back to a simpler life; to a Valentine's Day when your teacher forced you to give a card to everyone in the class -- even the goofy kid who smelled like sour milk and threw up all over his desk that one time. Yes. Even him.

You could always tell the kids who had thrifty parents -- their valentines would always be reused from last year. They'd take the old card, glue it to a piece of paper like it was art, and then fold it in half and write something in it. Here's an example of a card like that I received from Susan:

Because of a clearly inferior glue job, I could see that the back of the original card said "To Tina." That hurt me deeply, since I knew I was getting a recycled card. But that wasn't the worst part. Oh no. Not only was the card itself recycled, the text inside the paper it was glued to was also recycled:

In case you can't make out what's going on here, that bitch Susan had originally written "This is for my best pal. His name is Greg," but apparently Greg pissed in her Frosted Flakes or something, because she decided to give it to me instead. However, rather than expend the minimal effort to actually get a new sheet of paper, she just did a half-assed erasing job and sent it to "Her next best pal" who was apparently me. So it was Tina, then Greg, then me. Can't you feel the love? I know I can.

Then there were the kids who clearly had no help at all from their parents. A folded piece of paper was the best you were going to get from them. Here's one to me from a kid named Danny:

That was it. Nothing inside. In fact, there was no inside. It was just a single sheet, with a deformed sideways heart on it. The heart was scribbled out in an apparent act of defiance against teacher-forced boy-love. I don't blame Danny for fighting the establishment, although he was always a troublemaker. I think he's in jail now. It's sort of ironic.

Remember how I was telling you about going the extra mile for someone you really liked? Check out this painstakingly rendered work of art:

You're hard to beet, Valentine. Do you carrot all 4 me? That's true love right there.

At first, this one made me all warm and fuzzy inside, because there seemed to be quite a lot of work and thought and feeling put into it. Then I opened it and immediately thought, "No, STEVE, I most certainly DO NOT carrot all 4 you, you little homosexual."

I kid. After all, it was a simpler time. I realize that Steve had no idea that his Valentine might have been a little inappropriate. He was just being a nice guy. It reminded me of that one Simpsons episode when someone asked Ralph Wiggum if he was gay or straight and he replied, "I'm not anything yet!" That was us.

Last, but not least, here's one I made for my mother when I was in the 3rd grade:

Thank you for all the Grand Things you did for us?

Who the fuck was I? Little Lord Fauntleroy?

"Thank you ever so much for all the grand things you've done for us, mummy. Now, if you don't mind, The Snitch and Houdini and I are off to play a quick game of cricket in the courtyard. Perhaps before we retire for the evening you'd be so kind as to read to us from the Illustrated Chaucer? Very good, then. Ta ta!"

I don't know what I was thinking. I have no recollection of making any of that.

I'm still not too sure about that Steve kid, though.

feed: www.humor-blogs.com


  1. Anonymous6:09 PM

    I'll be honest, that made me laugh out loud. That doesn't happen often when reading things online, I mean how funny are words on a screen?

    None of that stuff happened to me, unfortunately. Everyone had enough money to buy new cards. I do remember putting candy in my cards. I also remember that one time in the night ants got to the candy. I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but yeah I still gave it out.

  2. Anonymous6:17 PM

    It's posts like these that make me regret never keeping any of my childhood memorabilia! On second thought, maybe I should count my blessings because I'm sure I'd be shaking my fist at certain Susans as well.

    Anyway, this is a treasure, Little Lord Fauntleroy!

  3. Again, another great childhood post! Your mom was great for keeping all this stuff for you! You know that don't you? Yes, I am sure you do.
    I had the pleasure of attending two school Valentine parties today. Did you know that parents are no longer allowed to send in homemade treats to the parties? They have to be store bought.
    And did you know that some people are idiot enough to give out Valentine goodie bags that contained a whistle to a class of 20 5 years olds? Let me just tell you how much fun it was to be in that room with them all blowing their whistles!

  4. I remember cards exactly like that! We all had folders hanging on the wall for our incomming valentine's. How funny!

  5. Anonymous6:44 PM

    I am laughing and crying at the same time - this brings back such great memories of a simpler time. Thanks for that.

    Have to wonder if Steve somehow traced that, though...seems pretty clever for a little kid.

  6. Dear Kevin,
    If you were a girl, I'd say that you were the apple of my eye, but I'm not and that's just creepy.
    Happy Valentines's Day!

    Seen this very day at No Name Elementary school, 4th grade.

  7. I accidentally stumbled on your blog several posts back and am now wishing I had it. You just made me pee in my yoga pants for laughing so hard. I'd ask you to be my valentine but I think you've got enough to last you a lifetime. Cheerio

  8. Anonymous7:26 PM

    crap... I'm the teacher that makes my kids bring Valentines for everyone. Thanks for makin me feel like shit...

  9. JV, you should check out the Valentine that I made for my husband (just scroll down a little). It is freaking awesome!!

  10. Anonymous8:20 PM

    We don't do Valentines Day like this in Australia. No kids valentines.... it's all about the flowers and chocolates for dating couples. Anyone else just ignores it.

  11. oh man i cant stop laughing

    awesome dude, simply awesome

  12. Hey! I use to be the girl who threw up all over her desk in 2nd grade! I didn't smell though.

  13. JV, did you mean to spell Valentines wrong in your topic title?

    Lol, nonetheless a very funny blog ensued. Man you are good at stirring up old memories.

  14. Anonymous9:53 PM

    I laughed out loud also...and no, that doesn't happen much when just reading words on a computer monitor...this blog (and this post) is just priceless...at the risk of going all Valentine-ey on you, I'm so glad I have this blog to look forward to reading every few days...you never disappoint!

  15. Cory, yeah. I spelled it the same way I did in the valentine to my mother.

  16. I was hoping it was something like that. I had to break out the accessibility magnifier to see that one though. I really like the downward slant you used. Gives the card some pazazz! Keep up the good work. I look forward to every new post.


  17. Funny. As usual. Stop making me laugh. The laundry is piling up from all the extra times I peed my pants while reading your blog. Damn you, eh.

  18. Gah! Thanks for the trip down nightmare lane. *lol* I always hated Valentine's Day. There were the, "You're only getting this because the teacher forced us to give you one, you bastard" cards and the ones from a girl that made you think, "Does she like me?"

    I burned all my old school VD cards years ago. ^_^;;;

  19. I also remember having to take a brown paper lunch bag, decorate it, and tape it to the front of my desk as a 'mailbox' for all the incoming Valentines. And that I was in in love with the boy whose desk was up against the teacher's because he couldn't stop talking or keep his hands to himself. I made the 'special card' for him, the class pariah. Thanks for reminding me of simpler love!

  20. So, here I am at the age of 67 and I have never received a valintine card! How sad is that? I happened to mention this to my husband, daughter and colleague last week and fully expected to be scholed with cards. And was I? Zilch. I would give anything to have received your recycled card.

  21. This made me laugh out loud (though not pee my pants). I like the forced class valentine idea WAAy better than the current "valentine gift" and commercials designed to make you feel like a loser unless you get one from your boyfriend, which doesn't feel like love at all, doesn't feel like anything in fact, except manipulation.

    So, thanks for reminding me of all those great "I go 4 U" and "O U Q T I N V U" dimestore cards. And for making me laugh out loud in the library where I am reading this. The other patrons have all glared once or twice, and some have even hissed.


  22. FA,Hissing? you have vampires in your library?

  23. I always looked for that one special valentine to be placed into my shoebox, the shoebox that I so meticulously decorated to entice him.

    He HAD to know that I had a crush on him because when he would look at me I would turn red – the valentine color – the color of my heart – the heart that would be broken into pieces if he didn’t give me a special valentine card that he picked just for me, his Valentine.

    come unwind

  24. Anonymous1:19 PM

    You were such a nice little boy, what happened?

    This brings back some memories, thanks

  25. Most of my valentines were written: To Rodin

    Dyslexics untie!

  26. i actually lol-ed for the
    first time in a few days.
    thank you.

    i never made my mom a
    valentines day card.
    maybe that's why i didn't get
    a car when i turned sixteen.
    my little sister would make my
    mom stuff and she is getting
    a car in a few months when
    she turns sixteen.


  27. Classic. There was always one pole-smoking Steve in every class. And I still recall my 3rd grade crush, Debbie, and how I'd doodle on her back with my finger when we'd sit on the carpet during reading time. Nowadays a kid would probably be tossed for sexual harassment. Sigh. Debbie...where are ye?

  28. Yeah, Johnny, vampires, zombies, all sorts.


  29. Hey Joe - you would definitely get picked up for sexual harassment for "doodling on a girl's back".


  30. I dreaded Valentines Day when I was in school. First we had to bring a stupid shoe box to school and decorate it and put our name on the front of it. We didn't have to give a card to every kid in the class which meant that those not popular (of which I was one) went home with a shoe box that was practically empty.
    My mother always made sure I addressed a card for everyone in the class, but on the way to school I would toss the ones for the popular kids that always sucked up to the teachers. How's that for justice!

  31. I was trying to explain the whole forced Valentine card thing to my friends here yesterday. The young kids don't really celebrate V-Day in the UK.

    Best Valentine's ever was in 2nd grade when I got a personally home delivered single rose and card from the boy I had a crush on. (His mom drove him, hahaha.) I still have the card. Incidentally, after I moved away a few years later, his mom became the pianist/voice coach for the drama department at my high school, and she remembered me! Talk about a small world. I did not bring up the Valentine's incident. :)

  32. Anonymous6:14 PM

    Must remember to NOT be drinking anything while readiing your blog...

  33. Anonymous6:40 PM

    I don't remember any Valentine's Days from elementary school. I moved around too much and I guess I just didn't give a shit. No one loves the new kid in class and I was ALWAYS the new kid in class.

    Thanks mom!

  34. I've read about four posts of yours by now and am already addicted... a huge fan if I may take the liberty of saying so. I think every reader of yours would fawn over you and wish you to be their valentine :) Happy Valentine's Day to you too!

    P.S: I've linked you on my blog.

  35. Anonymous8:09 PM

    I don't have many memories of my own childhood Valentines but this year I did have the great fortune of staying up all hours of the night with my 5th grader because she informed me (of course it was 10 minutes before bedtime) that her teacher wanted them to make Valentine's Day boxes that were simple machines. They had just covered that topic in class. So, we had to hunt through the house to find things to make a dog (milk jug) whose mouth (paper plates) would open when you pulled its tail (ruler). If she gets any recycled valentines after all that effort I'll be meeting kids out on the playground behind the trashbins at 3:00!

  36. My youngest daughter is only 21 months old, and in her daycare class we had to give Valentines Day cards to the other 18-24 month olds in the class. How retarded is that? My daughter can't even hold a crayon, let alone address a card.

    But, being the good mom I am, I will be saving all her school shit so that someday when she's older she can blog about it!

  37. Scoop, I became bitter and disillusioned because I always got recycled valentine's day cards.

    Kristina, I think drinking cheap vodka makes me funnier. Try that.

    Seattle, that creature you created sounds horrific.

  38. One year at uni, living in halls of residence, I collected my post before breakfast and sat there opening my cards and placing them on the table next to my tray face down. I think I had about 30 cards and was drawing some pretty envious looks. Little did they know that Feb 14 is actually my birthday and every single one (yes EVERY SINGLE ONE) was a birthday card.

  39. i like the valentine given to lisa simpson with the train on it...i choo choo choose you.

    lovely site you have here...mind if i look around?

  40. Not at all. Take your time. Browse to your heart's content. If you need any assistance, I'll be literally standing right here. Because we prosecute shoplifters. And my security guy says you have a certain look about you. I don't agree, but hey, I'm paying him to make sure stuff doesn't walk off the shelves, so what can I do?

  41. Anonymous3:51 PM

    "Grand things..."

    Classic home-brewed humor right there, my friend!

  42. Anonymous4:38 PM

    I wrote on a Valentine to a boy in my 3rd grade class that said I loved him more than The Fonz. And I really did.

  43. Made me laugh again! Love your new pic! You're cute!

  44. Came across your JC Penney post via that viral whirlwind. JV... you are hilarious!

    I read a lot. And when I say "a lot" I mean A TON! And you're really, really talented. I don't think I've read one of your posts without snorting with laughter.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

    Is it cool to link you on my blog?

  45. You still have those cards? I have no idea what happened to mine (thank God, or I'd never be able to shut the closet). But I remember the thing about having to give a Valentine to all the kids in the class. Am I glad to live in Spain, since kids don't give Valentine's here. Saves me from having to buy a bunch of cards that'll just end up in the trash anyway. Besides, these days kids that age are likely to call each other gay if they give a Valentine's card to someone of the same sex. Kids just aren't like they used to be.

  46. Anonymous2:00 PM

    the best valentines day gift was a card that said "a valentine remembrance".. right on top of a freshly baked cheesecake (His father was a baker in Brooklyn!) :)

    gp in montana

  47. Anonymous8:49 PM

    I remember those days.. those annoying days. I'd only give Valentines to a few number of people, then I decided that that was lame and never gave anyone anything for Valentines. To this day, I've never given anything xD

  48. Anonymous8:55 PM

    I live in S Korea, where on Valentine's day only the girls give the boys chocolate. Then on White Day (Mar 14), the boys give the girls chocolate. Then on Black Day (Apr 14) all the single people get to eat black noodles! Oh boy... I can hardly wait for Apr 14.

  49. Anonymous12:42 PM

    You do know about Steak & BJ Day, right? Depending on which website you find it's either March 14 or March 20.

    It's the male equivilant of V Day.

    Pass it on...


  50. Anonymous12:26 PM

    I'm always psyched when you've got a new post, m'lord. Keep it up!

  51. You are one serious freaking packrat, JV. This cracked me up.

  52. loved this post - too funny...oh, how things from our past can come back to haunt us!

  53. Anonymous11:21 AM

    I remember the Valentines box that was made in class, a cardboard box then covered with colored tissue and hearts and cupids and flowers all stuck on with this white paste kept in a large jar that smelled like wintergreen. We were given tongue depressers to scoop the paste out on to little pieces of heavy weight colored paper.
    The temptation to eat the glue was over whelming. Then the box was filled with all the cards and the teacher handed them out. Everyone got the same number of cards and you took them home to show your parents and chucked them. With the cards came those disgusting little
    candy hearts with moronic saying embossed on the tasteless candy.
    Once in a while you got a chocolate heart usually from your Mommies.
    Great post, thanks for the chuckle!

  54. I can't even believe you have those -- too funny!

  55. Anonymous11:57 PM

    My biggest Valentine's memory is a card that a classmate, Chad, made for his mom. Inside he wrote: Happy Valentine's Day, Mom. Your hot chocolate tastes like runny cowpies" He got in trouble for that one, from the teacher, before Mom ever saw it. That must've been 4th grade, I think. Fond memories there!!

  56. I wish the boxed valentines were still old fashioned and not all Hannah Montana and BRATZ. I have some of my valentines from school, and remember the special one from sixth grade signed, "Secret admirer." He never revealed himself and it was 20 years before I knew I had another admirer!

    Love your blog--I only have about 30 sites favorited and you are right in there.