Garbage Day.

I hate Garbage Day. It's like a weekly staff meeting - it only happens once a week, but it feels like it happens every two days. Normally I try to take it out to the curb the night before, but sometimes I forget. OK, I always forget. But that's neither here nor there.

Last Garbage Eve, I went to bed too late and the next morning I overslept. Not only was I going to be late for work, but I was also going to miss Garbage Day. Normally, that's not a huge problem, but the 75 gallon dumpster on wheels was already full from missing it the previous week, and there are only so many bags of cat shit you can have sitting on your porch, frozen or not. So it had to go out.

I jumped out of bed, grabbed some clothes, ran to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took a quick shower, got dressed, threw a bucket of coal into the stove and ran out the door to drag that giant piece of frozen-wheeled shit to the bottom of the driveway. (Which, by the way, is approximately 120 feet long and currently consists of icy ruts covered in snow, which is not conducive to garbage rolling of any sort.) It was windy as hell, the garbage bin was not cooperating, and I almost dumped it on myself twice. I finally got it to the curb, ran back down the driveway, jumped in my car and headed to work.

Since I was late, I didn't get a chance to make a pot of coffee like I normally do, so I stopped at the Mobil station where I sometimes gas up on all things petroleum and caffeine-based. Even at that time of the morning, it's pretty crowded, and I'm in there often enough so the clerks recognize me. I was pouring my coffee when I noticed that people were looking at me strangely. I got to the counter, and the clerk looked at me and said, "Rough night?"

I laughed and said, "No, a rough morning."

I paid for my coffee, and then headed to the office. I sat at my desk for an hour or so -- answered a few e-mails, checked my meeting calendar and checked our mail gateways for problems. By that time the coffee was starting to work on my bladder, so I headed to the bathroom to take a leak.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw something disturbingly similar to this:

OK, not exactly like that. But subtract out the Hawaiian shirt, the receding hairline, and the date-rape drugs coursing through his system, and it's pretty much right on. It seemed that I had been in such a hurry to bring out the garbage bin that I neglected to do anything but towel off my hair when I got out of the shower. Then, of course, the high winds finished the job nicely.

I immediately splashed water on my hair and then slapped at it randomly until I was slightly closer to looking like I was not completely insane, then headed back to my desk.

Messing around with that mug shot of Nick Nolte (2002? Really? Holy crap.) got me thinking. Some of the hairstyles you see on male celebrities these days aren't too far off from that, and everyone is always talking about how good they look, and by everyone I mean those people in charge of all things Style.

So when I got home, I looked around on the web and found a few pictures, along with their descriptions by those in the know, the so-called Style Experts. I will contrast their view with my own.

Colin Ferrell:

What the experts say: This is a smart and neat look for Colin. Colin's back and sides have been kept short and his top has been slightly layered and blended into the rest of his style.

What I say: Jesus Christ, Colin, wash your hair. It looks like you dipped your entire head into a vat of warm bacon grease.

Keanu Reeves:

What the experts say: Keanu is the king of the casual style and this great look from the 2006 Teen Choice Awards is no exception. His hair length has been left long and this cut requires very little styling or maintenance.

What I say:
Keanu looks homeless and a little smelly.

Seth Green:

What the experts say: This is a soft and sexy look for Seth. His hair has been kept at one length all over, slightly parted to one side and styled messy and wispy.

What I say: I'm glad Seth finally got his head free of that elephant's ass. It looks like he had to pull pretty hard.

Ty Pennington

What the experts say: Ty made the right choice at the ABC Upfront event with this hairstyle by messing up his fine textured ends to create a fuller and thicker look for his hair.

What I say: This is how you look moments after intentionally dislocating your shoulders, yanking the straight jacket over your head, escaping from the guards, and leaping over the fence at Arkham Asylum.

Billie Joe Armstrong

What the experts say: Green Day's world class rock star, Billie Joe, shows off his full tousled contoured style cut and jet black hair color. Could his boyish face and rock style look be a trend for men? For that punk rocker charm, Billie Joe's edgy hair style is the way to go.

What I say: He's Billie Joe from Green Day. He's supposed to look all fucked up. Also, my guess is that this hairstyle is not ever going to be a "trend for men," unless you're talking about men who have never held down a job that didn't involve either (a) being in a rock band or (b) wearing a name tag on their shirt.

In other news, after looking at the rest of that video series, I decided to pass on them. I just didn't find them to be all that funny.

feed: humor-blogs.com


  1. I SO look forward to your blogs. You inspired me to blog. I tell everybody about you!

    Rock on!

  2. this definitely kicked ass... i so would have loved to see your face when you looked in the mirror!!!!!!

  3. You are a wise, wise man...

  4. I would have killed to see what you had to say about Donald Trump.
    But oh well.

  5. I love the Johnny Nolte photo, Niiiice hair buddy. We used to have an acronym HDA, (hair-do alert) when someone had really f***ed up hair. Guess you had an HDA-Day! Ty looks like he stood on his head in a pile of crisco and spun around a few times. Disturbing.

  6. A couple of comments here....I hate grabage day too, because my husband always "forgets" to drag the cans to the street the night before. So I end up doing it while getting the kids off the school.
    And my oldest son has that whole Collin F look, except for he must be part woman cause he is a freak with his personal hygeine. The boy has more products than I do and he usually takes at least 2 showers a day.
    Lastly, you know what celebrity I think has the most f'ed up hair? Gene Simmons. I bet the wind wouldn't mess up that shit! It is obvious that women just like him for his rock star status and $ cause the dude is butt ugly!

  7. Anonymous7:29 PM

    you forgot the hottest homeless-looking man in showbiz - johnny depp. for someone who grew up in florida, he has mastered the swarthy unwashed french look.

  8. If you ever want to see truly funny videos try ZeroPunctuation. It's at escapist magazine dot com and I'm too much of a technotard to embed a link in this post. This guy is almost as funny as you, heh, heh.

  9. Bahaha. I wish I could see your face the moment you realized you had a super cool freeze wind-dried hair do.

  10. Anonymous9:23 PM

    I just had to come over and let you know of my appreciation for your anal retentive attention to spelling - I was about to leave the same comment you did on Dan's blog. Widdling? Seriously?

  11. In light of recent events I am shocked and saddened that you've left out Gene Simmons.

    His hair is scary and the rest of him inadequate at best.

  12. Well, yeah I left out Gene Simmons. Nobody is trying to tell me his hair looks GOOD.

  13. Anonymous11:12 PM

    I recently had a Garbage Bonus Round after not paying for my old service and not yet paying for the new service but telling them I wanted it...

    The old guys kept picking it up for a month, and the new guys got it the next morning if I got it out late.

    I was King of the Landfill for three whole weeks. Then I got two bills in the mail. I guess those asshats actually *do* pay attention to the route. Didn't see that coming.

  14. now this is just weird. I was just reading up on your blog and then you left a comment on mine!!!! Strange synchronicity! I can envisage the trek out to the kerb with all the iced ruts etc. Never actually been in conditions that cold - much more mild temperature wise here.

    Loved your comments when about the celebs but I have noticed a common thread with them. They all use way too much "product". I think men should have some, but overuse can be deadly......

    Thanks for dropping by, and you're right friends are awesome. Surely yours have to be too........

  15. I bet you were still hot.

  16. I'm lucky - because my husband takes out the garbage 99.9% of the time! And we don't have snow to contend with - I can't imagine how painful it must be to take out the garbage when it has been snowing!

  17. Guess there is an upside to living in an apartment - it's trash day whenever you need it to be 'cause the bins are right outside.

  18. Anonymous2:14 PM

    I share your garbage pain.

  19. Our garbage guys come round really early. If I forget the night before, I have to jump out of bed and hit the ground running to get the bins to the curb before the truck comes. This once led to me doing this in a pair of boxers and a loosely tied dressing gown in mid winter. While it might not get "3 inches of snow" cold here, it wasn't much above freezing.
    I tend not to forget anymore.

  20. Anonymous10:16 PM

    Oh puh-leeze JV, garbage day is like weekly Mass - always better to get it over with the night before so you can sleep in next morning.

    Unless you have some kind of garbage police there is no reason why you can't put it out the night before. Hell - or even 48 hours before!

    And even if they DO fine you - it's worth at least as much as a vet taking care of your cat's ass.

  21. Not everyone loves those crazy dos



  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

  23. oops - that 2nd one didn't work.

    Try this one

  24. thank you for this awesome middle-of-the night laugh. you rock.

  25. I'm sorry, Keanu, but anyone who grows a beard that patchy shouldn't ever, ever grow one. He looks like he's trying to hide the side effects of too many In-n-Out burgers.

  26. Anonymous12:31 PM

    Worryingly, I leave the house having done my hair and it still looks like that when I get in.

    I'm happy about the videos, too.

  27. Dang. Your Nick Nolte/JV photo is gonna make me have bad dreams.

  28. This post made me laugh so hard I spit lunch onto my monitor. Now I need this.....


  29. I'm picturing you as Chevy Chase in the movie Funny Farm when he hears the honking of the postman and runs outside to catch him and misses him. That's how I see you and this garbage day thing. However, the more important question of my day is.... just HOW many bags of frozen cat poop CAN you leave on your porch? My answer would be none because my dog would have a field day with that little ditty. Also, around here, if you put your trash out the night before.... some snarky little woods creature decides it's a free for all and strews it up and down the street. Then we get the pleasure of handling half chewed trash AGAIN as we clean it up, in the cold, in our pajamas. blech.

    I have a dumpster now.

  30. Anonymous5:27 PM

    Nick's hair is the only one that looks like he actually might have some sh*t in his hair and that something might crawl out of it. The other guys actually looks like their do's took a little time.

    Of course have you seen some women in the morning? Makeup is wonderful!

  31. This didn't happen on Garbage Day, but I once grabbed a chip clip while in my kitchen, snapped it into my hair to keep it out of my face because I didn't have the energy to go upstairs for a real hair thing. And then I went to the grocery store. Forgot about the chip clip. I remembered it about the time that the cashier noticed it.



  32. I JUST said something on my blog about men's haircuts, or lack thereof.
    Seriously- what the hell is with the "I combed my hair with GE eggbeaters" look?

  33. While everyone else is focused on the hair, I'm still looking at the garbage can issue. We live on a ranch with about 1/4 mile DIRT driveway to the main road. We actually drag our 75 gallon can-on-wheels on the trailer hitch of the truck. This is fine most of the time, but is definitely treacherous in the winter when it's muddy or icy.

  34. Threw a bucket of coal on the stove? What's up 1800s.

  35. Anonymous1:38 PM

    I'm sure you still looked hot!

    On the garbage note: my driveway is so long (live on acreage), when I'm running a bit behind, I actually put it in the back of the car to "drive" it to the curb - last garbage day, I put it in the car, then did a few other things, so by the time I got to the end of the driveway I had forgotten about it, and I drove to work with a big bag of garbage. At the end of the day, I was wondering what the weird smell was in the car... ew...

  36. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I am laughing so hard I am almost crying!!! Another fabulously hilarious post!! Desparately needed a good laugh tonight!!

  37. Anonymous9:15 PM

    OMG. Gutu says "right on". I almost peed my pants. and now I have to snowblow my driveway. Hasta Manana, Johnny!

  38. hilarious blog, man. your on my blogroll now.

  39. love me some green day, a man with tousled hair and a bit of an edge on him.

    i'm betting your look had the girls at the office all in a froth.

  40. It's your long-lost twin back from the grave, Johnny. You know, the one you'll never forget. Anywho, I was just commenting to a friend today that Colin Farrell (a la Oscars - see link below) looked like he had just broken out of an insane asylum. Good times abound, apparently. http://www.oscar.com/redcarpet/?g=null&i=44

  41. Anonymous12:41 PM

    You need to check out these chicks. http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/ They don't agree with the so-called "style experts."