Two things I can live without ever seeing or even comtemplating again after this post.

Friday morning, I got in to the office around 6:10 am or so. As you can imagine, the building is not exactly teeming with life at that hour. There are a few other early birds like me, but for the most part it's pretty barren.

I like my coffee. I generally drink a full cup on the way to work. What this means from a practical standpoint is that (a) I don't fall asleep and drive into a bridge abutment, and (b) by the time I get to work I have to pee.

I went to my desk, and got involved in rebooting smtp servers or some such, and by the time I was done, my bladder was close to its limit. This was the unfortunate reason that I burst through the men's room door so quickly at approximately 6:45, only to surprise the crap out of some person I never saw before. What was this person doing the exact second I came crashing in?

He was diligently checking out his bare ass in the mirror, of course. What else would someone be doing in a bathroom at 6:45 in the morning?

Why, I do not know. Perhaps he missed a spot shaving. Perhaps he went hiking Thursday and was doing a post-hike tick inspection. As I said, I don't know, and don't want to know.

Also, before your imagination runs away with you, it's not like he was standing on the sink or anything. For some unknown reason, our men's room contains a full-length mirror. Presumably, this mirror is not for ass-inspection, but who am I to say? Other people might (and apparently do) have a different opinion on that matter. Anyway, he quickly zipped up and left, and now I have someone else at work to avoid in the hallways.

That was the first thing. The second thing - while not quite as shocking on the surface - has deeper implications. The two handicap-accessible stalls have railings in them. Draped over these railings you will sometimes see reading material that consists of newspapers, magazines, and other assorted printed matter. I never, ever touch this, because I know the dirty habits of my coworkers, and I am 100% sure that no matter what it is, it contains traces of fecal matter on its well-thumbed pages.

Anyway, the thing I noticed hanging over the railing the other day was: A Victoria's Secret catalog. I suppose there is a remote possibility that some guy was looking for a present for his wife, but I'm thinking not.

All I know is, I don't ever want to walk in on anything that involves that.


  1. You just konw that one day you are going to walk in on an activity simultaneously involving both the catalog and the mirror.

    I wnat to read about it when you do.

  2. Jeez! Where the hell do you work, JV?

  3. SB, I work at Applebees.

  4. I would much rather walk in on someone checking out their bare ass than the chick who makes herself throws up everyday at 11:30. I don't know why, but to me, the bare ass incident would be hilarious.

    As for the Victoria's Secret catalogue? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

  5. Anonymous8:49 PM

    I must admit that is pretty hilarious to read. But I would not be laughing quite as much if I actually had that image in my head.

    On another note, I wrote about an amusing bathroom experience called Worth The Wait that this reminded me of. Sometimes you just don't want to know.

  6. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Um, I cannot believe that I just wrote out the wrong title to the post in my last comment. The title of the post was obviously "What To Think," and now I feel stupid.

  7. JV-Whew! What a relief! I never eat at Applebee's...

    (Plus I never knew they had such complicated computer problems as to need people to be on call to fix them...;o)

  8. I don't spend much time in the men's room--make that no time--but I have a beef about the ladies' room.

    Sometimes I find pee on the seat. Isn't that anatomically impossible? For women? Who's using the ladies' room?

  9. Years ago at a major department store in the Aviation Mall I walked into a mens room and found four feet in one stall, and they were mens facing opposite directions. I had to pee bad so I did my thing and they did theirs.

  10. Sometimes, I'm glad I'm a girl. Boys can be so gross.

  11. My partner also works in IT. He comes home with interesting bathroom stories. He regularly ends up in a stall alongside this dude who takes his shoes off to have a crap. The walls don't go all the way down to the ground, which is why he knows this, I guess.

    Also, I think I know why girls pee on the toilet seat. They hover. Because the toilet seat has probably had someone else's pee on it.

    Pee is actually not that unclean - not nearly as bad as poo. According to the discovery channel, most toilets are cleaner than most chopping boards. That's gross eh.