Searching For Spring

It's that time again. And by 'that time' I mean the time whereupon I rely on the other denizens of the web to write my blog for me. Without further ado, I present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site:

mary and joseph miracle - I think this person got disconnected before they could finish typing, because I did a similar search using just that criteria and found almost nothing. By adding the word "Whip" to the end, however, I found exactly what I believe they were looking for.

This stuff tastes so bad it's almost sinful.

butt plug pager - this idea has some possibilities. On the plus side, you'd always know when you got paged. I can't count the number of times I didn't notice a page because my pager was on my desk or in my coat pocket. On the negative side, it would make answering a page while you were in public pretty difficult. "Excuse me for a second." POP! "Yeah, it's my boss. I gotta take this."

old underwear germs - I need more clarification on this one. Are you looking for germs that exclusively inhabit old underwear? Or underwear germs of a specific age? Because these two things are not necessarily one and the same. It's all in the inflection, my friend.

my girlfriend is sleeping with the bass player - Let me guess. You're the drummer, aren't you? All I can say is get used to it.

retractile testicle stuck - Sometimes, when the last battery in my flashlight gets stuck in a similar fashion, I find that rapping the flashlight sharply on the edge of the kitchen counter can sometimes jar it loose. I've also had success dipping the end of the flashlight in boiling water. Another way: If you find someone to hold it very tightly, a firm tap on the end with a hammer can also get it unstuck. You might want to try something similar.

labia shows - You know, it's good to see labias branching out these days. They used to be such a one trick pony. It's really encouraging that they've been getting out there and giving the people what they want. I've even heard about this new Broadway labia show that is apparently the current "must see" when you're in NYC. I think it's sort of a rip-off of Cats, except they're all shaved bare.

humpy rabbit - Little known fact: This was one of the rejected cartoon mascot ideas for Trix cereal. They ultimately went with "Silly Rabbit" because "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids" tested much better to the target demographic than "Humpy Rabbit, Tricks are for Prostitutes."

testicle hammock - This one intrigued me. On the off-chance that this person wasn't really searching for "banana hammock," I could almost see how a testicle hammock might have some appeal. I imagine it would be comfortable, supportive and the woven mesh would provide stellar ventilation. Of course, your junk would look like a bag of suet, so you'd want to keep it out of sight of birds and squirrels.

is it marmaduke that dog always makes me laugh - No, you must be confusing him with some other cartoon dog. That's the only explanation. Well, that's not quite true. There is one other explanation. The other explanation is that you are brain damaged and would laugh at a picket fence.

monkey peeing in coffee cups at restaurant - You need to be more specific. Do you want to know how to make this happen, prevent it from happening, know if it ever happened or just see pictures of it happening? I know, so many choices. I suggest you get a monkey, and then you'll be covered for all of the aforementioned possibilities. Of course, they're probably not going to let you into restaurants with him. After that first time, anyway.

is brown skidmarks in the front of your underwear a sign of your period? - Well, that depends. Are you a guy? If so, then no. If you are guy it just means you have yesterday's underwear on backwards. It also means you need to do a better job back there, Sheryl Crow be damned. If you are a girl, then that's different. While it's certainly within the realm of possibility that your period would manifest itself as a brown skidmark, I think you should first make sure that your creepy little brother hasn't been wearing your underwear and then putting it back in your drawer.

searching for oscar - I too, have been wondering about this. I haven't seen Oscar around lately, and your search got me to thinking. So I stopped at his crib to check up on him. When I got there, the cops were all over the place. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but...

Oscar is dead.

I knew you wouldn't believe me unless I took a picture, so here you go:

Foul play is suspected. I'm not sure who finally caught up with him, but I asked around a little bit. Fat Jimmy over at the pawn shop told me he heard somebody yelling, then he heard what sounded like a garbage can getting kicked over. Some more yelling, then a single gunshot. Crazy Tina swore up and down that she saw a big-ass yellow bird fleeing the scene, but she was high on crack and pretty drunk at the time. So far police have come up empty.

Oscar, this 40's for you, Homes. Rest in peace, you smelly-ass SOB.

Until next time, whereupon I jump the shark and talk about my pets, Johnny out.


  1. Anonymous2:48 PM

    HAHAHA! Welcome back, JV>

  2. I hear all those labia shows are really lip synched.

  3. "I think you should first make sure that your creepy little brother hasn't been wearing your underwear and then putting it back in your drawer."

    You say this like you know about these things from experience or something. Too fucking funny.

  4. Thats a shame about Oscar, it should have been Kermit. I want Miss Piggy to sit on his face and smother that little shit.

  5. I...well, I'm just speechless.

  6. I think this might be my favorite line ever: "Until next time, whereupon I jump the shark and talk about my pets, Johnny out."

  7. Anonymous7:46 AM

    I retract that statement. I never saw no big yella bird. It was a big brown furry shuffling thing.

    And I'm not on crack. I just smoke a little meth. Can't let that brillo pad go to waste. And I can quit anytime I want to.

    Get your story straight Johnny V.