Searching for the meaning of it all.

It's been a while since I've inflicted this upon you, but since I have nothing funny to report, I'm gonna lean on Site-Meter for this one. Once again, I'm pleased to present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People to My Site

somebody put shit in my pants - I included this one because once, about ten years ago, I was walking to work downtown and a drunk homeless guy said almost this exact same thing to me.

I'm urinating every five minutes. What's up? - the phrasing on this one made me laugh. As if you walked into your co-worker's cube and asked him, "Hey, whatcha doin? Do you have a sec to go over something?" and he replied with this line.

Can mayonnaise grow hair? - I can totally vouch for this one. Mayonnaise can indeed grow hair. Just leave it in the back of the fridge for about 6 months, and it'll have some hair on it you won't believe.

pictures of christian slater sober - You might as well be searching for "Real Live Unicorn Sightings" or "Video feeds of Jesus preaching" because you will never, ever find a picture of this anywhere. It simply does not exist.

butt bottom offensive - This was one of the lesser-known battles of WWII. It involved a platoon of marines who had nothing to eat or drink for 5 days except Beef n' Bean MREs and some contaminated well water, who were trying to occupy a small patch of enemy territory on a tiny but strategically valuable island in the pacific. I guess it got pretty rough in the end, but they took the hill and captured 36 unconscious Japanese soldiers in the process.

my wife forces me to wear a butt plug and panties - To me, it doesn't sound as if she had to really twist your arm much. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if maybe you asked her to twist your arm. Ditto on the buttplug and panties. My advice: Think up a "safe word" -- one that is still understandable when your leather mask is zipped up, or the ball gag is in place.

questions to ask a new girlfriend - Question number one: Have you ever forced any of your old boyfriends wear a butt plug and panties?

My husband needa bra - your husband needa lose some weight.

clowns and pedophiles - If you are trying to decide which one to get for your daughter's 5th birthday party, be advised that you can usually find a two-fer-one special, but they are rarely if ever advertised as such. If that is not your plan, however, then here's some advice: You probably want to go with the clown. A pedophile might well be remembered for much longer, but trust me -- you're not going to want to foot the bill for all those visits to the shrink when she's older.

stealth nudist - I am pretty sure I saw one of these guys in the public library once. The day I happened to surprise him in the stacks, only about 5 or 6 inches of him was a nudist.

how to get your girlfriend to try the zoophilia - My advice: You need to take her to a really nice place, where you know the zoophilia will be expertly prepared. Order an expensive bottle of red wine and when the waiter comes, order the zoophilia for both of you. Some women don't like when men do that, but most of the time the zoophilia isn't on the menu. So in this case at least, you will look like you know what you're doing. Also, slipping the waiter 20 bucks beforehand will get him to act all impressed and say "The zoophilia is excellent tonight. A very good choice, sir." That's sure to score points with your girlfriend. After that, if she likes it, you can make it a regular thing, like on your anniversary or her birthday.

I'm shedding hair but that doesn't mean i'm balding - Shock. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Acceptance. Get to steppin'.

undescended testicle talking to my girlfriend - I find myself wondering if you've taped any of these alleged conversations, because I am very curious as to what they talk about. I mean, they come from such different backgrounds that I can't imagine that they have much in common. I wouldn't worry about it too much. In time, they'll realized they live in different worlds and the friendship will fade away.

That's all she wrote for now. If anyone could have told me last week I'd be getting 10 hits a day on "flava delicious" and 10 more variations on that general theme, I would have never written about it. Between that and people looking for "nudies" It's taking me a lot longer to sort through my searches to find the good ones.


  1. My dearest darling, I don't know if you're aware or not, but the "Oh my god, someone put shit in my pants!" is an infamous line from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac - a comic book brought to you by Jhonen Vasquez. In the scene in question, a guy on a blind date with Devi D. suffers from irritable bowel syndrome and craps his pants sitting at a table in the restaurant. In a panic as he realizes his date will soon smell what has occurred, he thinks to himself "I've got to come up with an excuse! Something good, something believable!" and then he stands up and howls, "Oh my god! Someone put shit in my pants!" and takes off for the bathroom. Ah. Immortal art.

  2. ah! I have found it!



  3. drunk homeless guys read underground comics from the future?

    Who knew?

  4. Anonymous7:55 AM

    Oh yes, I remember the clown and pedophile post.

    Pictures and all.

    You ask for it Johhny V

  5. Pedophiles, man boobies and butt plugs. A very well-rounded post.

  6. Anonymous12:39 PM

    You should post these at least once a month. Your comments were hilarious!

  7. Anonymous11:36 PM

    Hey, be carefull with that! Your comments on 'Can mayonnaise grow hair?' had me laughing so hard I nearly feel off my chair!
    Susi Q

  8. Anonymous5:11 PM

    "somebody put shit in my pants" is the most awesome thing i've ever heard. ever.

  9. Anonymous6:12 PM

    Note to butt plug and panties dude: Your wife may be a lesbian.