I found my thrill.....

Since I'm lazy and all the blog entries I have waiting in the wings will require effort and/or some small amount of research, I have decided to procrastinate once again and simply let Site Meter do my work for me. So without further ado, here's my favorite searches for the last week or so:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

muh testicles are in a death grip - Listen carefully and I will help you. Look around your immediate vicinity. You should see one or more things that look similar to this:

The color and/or size may vary, but the overall appearance should be similar. This is a hand. Now, once you find this hand, examine it closely, because it may be wrapped firmly around one or more of your testicles. If this is the case, follow the hand upward. If it is connected to your own arm, simply relax the hand and the pain in your testicles should go away momentarily. If it is connected to someone else's arm, then there is not much I can do. I suggest pleading for forgiveness and promising that you will never stray again. You could also try saying that she meant nothing to you. But be aware that this never works in movies so it probably doesn't work in real life either.

butt paste and monistat - Um, sounds like you have a big weekend planned. Don't forget to take pictures.

minute-long sex - I admire a man who aspires to greatness. Way to raise the bar, my friend.

how to puke at an amusement park - There are very few hard and fast rules here. In fact, I am willing to bet that in an amusement park, almost anything goes. That is not to say there is no vomiting etiquette at all. It goes without saying that you should attempt to avoid getting it on yourself and others near you, and making others listen to and/or smell your ex-lunch is also frowned upon. Since you asked for tips, however, I feel I must give you some sort of advice. So here you go: If you are on a rollercoaster that has a loop, do not puke while at the apex because the possibility exists that you might actually meet your own puke at the bottom. Don't ask me how I know this.

fresh smelling vagina - I am pretty sure I just saw an ad for this. I think it's the newest scent in the Glade plug-in product line. (Very popular with first year computer science majors.)

preventing odors in a travel trailer toilet - There is only one way to prevent odors in a travel trailer toilet and that is to not crap in it.

roomba female hygiene - If you are so incredibly lazy that you need a roomba to get things all spiffy down there, then you have more problems than I can solve for you on my humble blog.

ingesting monistat during oral sex - You know what? You deserve whatever happens to you. That's the problem with people today. It's all about instant gratification. Wait 3 or 4 days for chrissake.

hydrogen makes a popping noise when lit? - Yes, you could say that. The popping noise is sort of the reason why they don't use hydrogen in blimps or zeppelins anymore. Here is a picture taken in 1937 at the exact moment the popping noise was heard:

ebola virus vs leprosy - Ladies and Gentlemen...in this corner, weighing in at....well, at almost nothing...a fast moving virus that will cause massive hemorrhaging from every orifice of your body and kills 80% of infected persons within a few days......the one....the only....Ebola virus! And in this corner...weighing in at also almost nothing...a slow moving bacterial agent that takes years to kill and and mainly affects the skin and nerves of the extremities....the fearsome, and feared....Leprosy! This fight should be a doozy! Slow and Steady vs. Fast and Furious! May the best disease win!

why is all my toes numb accept for my big toe now its moved up my leg a little bit - Congratulations. You don't have Ebola. Or even the most rudimentary grasp of the english language.

Problem with Highlander and bad odor - Well it's like this: There can be only one. A little-known fact about The Gathering - not only does the cumulative power get transferred when someone's head gets chopped off, the cumulative body odor does as well. You can easily see that after a while, when you get down to just a few, the B.O. is almost unbearable. You thought Immortals could sense each other by some kind of magic? No. It's just that by now the remaining immortals reek so badly that it's pretty damn obvious when one is close at hand. So it's a constant struggle. Do I cut his head off? Sure, I'd be that much stronger, but I'll stink that much more. What good is being immortal if you can't get laid? None, I say.

after hernia surgery scrotums are blue? - If you are Papa Smurf perhaps this is a true statement. Which is to say that if they started out blue, you are probably OK. If you are not Papa Smurf, however, I would suggest getting your tidy bowl nuts to the doctor as soon as possible, because that shit ain't right.


  1. More...I need more...

  2. Anonymous9:46 PM

    There is just no telling how many people are going to find your blog now. Enjoyed the debate on Abrassive Grace.

  3. Anonymous8:55 PM

    roomba female hygiene may be referring to a hilarious SNL "commercial" it was classic!

  4. that actually sounds likely. I will have to try to find it.

  5. As a Highlander fan I found that one very witty.

    The rest of them are great! I really need to quit reading your blog while I am still at work. It get's me laughing out loud, A LOT. Thank gawd I am not sharing my office with anyone else.

    Great stuff!

  6. Anonymous4:49 PM

    What, no witty remark about how the last searcher seems to have multiple scrotums?

    Or is it scrota?

  7. It's a good thing my office door is closed, or everyone would hear me laughing out loud at your Google search posts. Love them!