I have questions (filler post)

Question One: Do only assholes buy rice-rocket motorcycles? Or is there something inherent in owning the machine, in having that much rice-power between your legs, that immediately takes you over and forces any latent assholishness to the surface? Or maybe it has something to do with the ugly flourescent colors. I'm not sure. My experience suggests that the first possibility is the correct one. I rarely, if ever, see a dude on a Harley driving like an asshole.

This morning, there was a guy behind me on my way to work on one of these crotch rockets. (And what the HELL is up with the jacket and helmet that matches your bike? Do you think that makes you look good? No, you look like a friggin' Power Ranger.) Anyway, this guy popped a wheelie, then passed me on a blind double yellow, all the while holding the wheelie. While impressive, if a car was coming the other way around the curve, this guy was cream cheese, baby. The thing is, when you're up on one wheel, you CAN'T STEER. So stay the FUCK away from the side of my car. I flipped him off as he went by, but truthfully, I think he was going too fast to see it. I waved it around a bit in vain hope, but I was probably wasting my time.

Question Two: This I also noticed on the way to work this morning. What's with the idiots who ride your ass in the passing lane, then when you move over, they DON'T FUCKING PASS? Goddammit that drives me insane. They just hang out there in your blind spot, going the exact same speed they were going when they were sitting in your back seat. I feel like pulling back in front of them and just locking up my brakes.

Question Three: Why is it that nobody appreciates off-center humor these days? I got in the elevator this morning when I got to work and on the way up, it stopped on the second floor. A guy got on, and he had 4 over-sized shoeboxes under his arm, with the covers taped on. We rode in silence for a few moments, then I caught his eye and nodded toward the boxes. "Kittens?" I asked.

Nothin. Not a smile, not a sigh, not a disgusted look. He got off on 4 without saying a word.

Oh well. Can't say I didn't try. My next post will be about my first bicycle, and the unfortunate events that led up to the stroking out of granny grunt.


  1. Yeah, I miss people enjoying humor too. It used to serve as a good ice breaker and a fine indication if the person you were going to converse with had a personality worth of the exercise. Now either the ice is staying solid more often or lame people are becoming the majority population--or rather the confirmed majority population.

  2. While I enjoyed your comments on rice-rockets immensely, my husband found little humor in it, being a rice-rocket fanatic who used to pop wheelies and drive down Texas highways at 130 miles an hour. Being cured of his careless ways by marrying me, I think it struck him nastolgic and irritated him that I agreed with you.

  3. I do that all the time - pulling in front of the person in the far left lane going slower than the speed limit and then slowing down to 25. It satisfies me to no end. It's especially gratifying when they're been holding up a line of 2 dozen cars and I can let everyone pass. I'm probably going to get shot one day.
    I like how you're giving previews at the end of the Johnny Virgil episode now.

  4. Anonymous4:02 AM

    "Klttens?" I nearly snorted porridge down my nose onto the keyboard. Guy either had something far,far worse in there- thinks: 6-inch patent leather stilletoes/dismembered girlfriend/the Ark of the Covenant /papers from his desk because he just got sacked: or he thought you were trying to offer him some kittens, like one of those guys who tiptoe around tourists in Amsterdam, asking "Hashish?"

  5. effing kittens. God I want to make out with you REALLY BAD NOW. I think the world would implode though, too much in one room.

  6. "No, you look like a fucking Power Ranger." - very funny. I know i'll be thinking power ranger every time I see one with matching outfits from now on.

  7. I think I've seen your crotch-rocket guy on 71. He does wheelies in between cars. Also he's a fucking moron and will probably get hit by a car one day, and then the person who hit him will have his car totaled (not to mention all the cars of the everyone behind him who couldn't stop in time will be totaled) and will have to go to jail and then court and will get off because the court will realize that the crotch-rocket guy was a moron, but it still won't make the guy who hit him feel any better and he'll have to have intense therapy for the rest of his life because he killed someone and it will probably haunt him until the day he dies. But no-motorcycles are cool.

    P.S. No offense to your hubby, Whitney. I'm glad you cured him of his habit, though.

  8. Anonymous11:12 AM

    I promise not to do that if I do get the crotch-blasting power to do so. (Not on purpose anyway).
    If you haven't seen the compfused.com video of the guy losing his girlfriend during a wheelie then you haven't seen the biggest idiot on a bike I can think of. RANGERS HO! (or whatever they say)

  9. Motorcycles like that and the people who drive them are known in the organ donation medical community as donorcycles, as they are the most frequent organ donors. So you see they make their contribution to the world. I don't think that's what they had in mind, however.

  10. Anonymous12:51 PM

    I can understand your anger to some extent. I own a "crotch rocket" but I'm not as crazy as your buddy there. I ride with full gear and the power and adrenaline is awesome. I've ridden on tracks in Ohio and PA. To drag your knee around a corner is a rush. To truly learn how to ride a sport bike is an achievement. An art. The more you ride the more you appreciate cornering versus flat out speed. And by the way, you can steer a bike on one wheel, not that he knew how, but you can steer by distributing weight on the footpegs. My point is that there assholes everywhere, but I know quite a few "crotchrocket" riders that just enjoy the sport and respect the speed. I may be the minority, but I wear a one piece full leather suit, with gloves, boots, helmet, etc. Now that I think about it, I think the black matches my bike. Gooooooo Power Rangerrrrrr!!!! LOL. But I digress, I have on occasion done some moronic things while on the streets. It's like witnessing the elderly purchasing a Nisan 350Z, yet can't seem to go any faster than 35mph. What's the purpose?! But for the most part, I want nothing to do with traffic, tickets, etc. I ride mostly on country backroads. My long winded point is that not all of us young stupid squids. And finally, I agree with your humor statement, people are way too uptight these days. Later.

  11. While I agree that most of the motorcycle-riding-assholeness I witness takes place on those speed bikes, I have seen plenty of people on Harleys be jerky. Most are pretty mellow and smart enough, but there are plenty that ride up the shoulder in traffic, ride side by side in a single lane...that kinda thing. True statistic: one out of every one motorcycle owner has an accident. Naturally the dopes on the crotch-rockets have enough accidents to make up for the safe riders, but I wouldn't take the chance. This is perhaps the only issue where I have laid down the law with my husband...as much fun as they look, he will never own a motorcycle. It's not his driving I would worry about, it's everyone else on the road.

  12. Power Ranger Dave,

    I'm not angry, per se. I was just trying to point out something I thought was funny. I *was* angry at that one particular guy that morning, mostly because he scared the shit out of me before I had my coffee. Plus I was in my miata, and I was already going 20 miles over the speed limit.

    It's not *all* sportbike riders I have issues with. I've seen some safe ones on the road. I've seen guys pass me at 110 that I would even consider "safe." It's all in the intelligence level. A wheelie on a nice straight backroad when nobody is around -- knock yourself out. Go as fast as you want to, you only have to worry about deer. It's the buttknobs weaving in and out of almost stopped traffic at 70mph that I'm talking about. One open door and it's all over. I've been tempted, but didn't want to fuck up my door. It just seems to me that as MM said, the majority of idiot behavior seems to be on these types of bikes.

    ps - if you want an adrenaline rush, jump out of an airplane. Highly recommended!

  13. Thank you! I am not the only one who thinks they look like power rangers! I think you're 1st theory is correct on that by the way. Every guy I've ever met who even wanted one of those, was an ass. Everyone knows harleys are better anyway.

    Passing lane people I think do that in an attempt to not seem rude. Like, yes I wanted you out of my way but I don't want to seem like a speeding asshole. Just a theory.

    And I thought the kitten thing was really funny. But maybe it was too politically incorrect? Maybe the guy was deaf? Maybe he was just really slow and he laughed 10 minutes later? Maybe he was just so burned out from work and responsibility that he flipped out, cut up his spouse and or boss and was carrying parts of them in the boxes, therefore was too stressed to consider your comment amusing. Anyway I laughed.

  14. Just wanted to return the favor and say "hi" back... I've been kinda browsing your work anyway...

  15. The other funny thing on crotch rockets is when they have a fat chick on the back with her thong showing. I also love when they are riding without a helmet and have a helmet hanging on the side of their bike.

  16. Your Power Ranger analogy was perfect.

    I can also assure you that if I walked onto an elevator carrying shoeboxes and someone looked and said "kitten?" I would have cracked up loudly - I may have even added something like "well, pieces of em."

    Excellent mini-rants, JV.

    I too like the previews you've used lately. Neat idea.

  17. I didn't realize I was "previewing."

    I call it "stalling for time while I frantically try to think of something to write about"

  18. Nice use of the cream cheese phrase.

  19. Anonymous2:39 PM

    #1 demographic for organ donors: motorcycle riders.

    And, I am a bitch when I see a motorcyle breezing up the BICYCLE lane: I pull over to the right and block them with my big honkin' SUV. If I have to wait to turn right, so do you! (I know, I know...I am asking to be the victim of road rage!)

    I thought the "kittens" comment was funny too and I am a cat-lover.