Happy Valentine's Day, Ted.

Am I the only one who thinks Jane Seymour should stick to acting and leave the jewelry design work to someone more qualified? Every time I catch her "open heart" necklace ad on TV, all I see is a fat sparkly ass dangling on a chain.

So it's Valentine's Day and everything everywhere is covered in hearts. I've always wondered where the "heart" shape came from. It looks nothing like an actual heart, right? I suppose with the internet at my fingertips I could look this up, but the depths of laziness you can achieve when you have that sort of research tool at your disposal are pretty amazing.

It used to be that if I thought, I wonder where the traditional symmetrical image representing the heart originated? I'd either have to drive to the library, look it up and make some photocopies of the pertinent info, or just decide it wasn't worth the effort to know and remain ignorant. Doing the latter, however, would ultimately drive me crazy enough so that I'd probably end up at the library anyway trying to find answers.

These days if I ask myself that question, I can either: (1) type a single sentence into a search engine and have instant gratification with a couple of mouse clicks, or (2) refresh my twitter feed to see what @wilw's dog just said. (Dog: IMA PLAY WITH YOU! Cat: Fuck off. Dog: POUNCE! Cat: Watch me run across the wall like I'm in the Matrix.)

So yeah. No idea on that heart thing.

I did manage to rummage around in my old third-grade Valentine's day card pile and come up with the most terrifying card I ever received:

In case you can't make it out, it says "Howdy Pardner" across the top of whatever that is supposed to be. A red hat? Bloody hair? I don't know, and that's just the head covering. The creature itself appears to be a pig of some sort. Why he's wearing a red bomber hat and has a heart tattooed on his forehead remains a mystery to me. And that grin. It haunts my dreams and I don't know why.

I think Tracy is the only one who will ever know for sure. Thanks, Tracy, wherever you are. Sorry I couldn't be your Valen-swine. Please don't hunt me down and kill me for my bacon.

The next one I found deserves an "A" for effort. Purple mountain majesties, beautiful multi-colored flowers, a scalloped edge, and in case you can't make it out from my horrible picture, actual glitter. Glitter, you guys.

Sadly for me, here's the inside:

Danny. Not Tina, not Donna -- either of which I would have been more than thrilled with -- but Danny. It's the story of my life.

I'm afraid Danny and I never really hit it off. I think maybe if he had gone with "Love, Danny" things may have turned out differently. Who knows? OK! I admit it! I liked the movie Burlesque! Xtina's costumes were to die for! Oh wait, sorry. That movie sucked. Cher sings like a transvestite and can't move her face. Christina Aguilera did look pretty hot though when she wasn't made up like a hooker clown. OK, I'm back now.

Lastly, I found this Valentine's day mural of my family, each represented by a different heart and helpful label:

So we have Mommy, Daddy, Kevin (Houdini), Brian (The Snitch) and baby. That about covers it, as far I can recall. Two parents, three boys, one girl... yep, that was it.

Then we apparently have other baby, small small baby, and Ted.


Who the eff was Ted? I can almost see missing a couple of babies, because I really wasn't all that observant when I was eight -- and in my defense, small small babies are really small -- but Ted? I think I probably would have noticed an entire other guy living with us.

I still have no idea who Ted may have been, or why he ranked high enough on my list of important people to rate his own large blue heart, but I hope that wherever he and the missing babies are today, they are doing well.

So anyway, Happy Valentine's Day, everyone else. And let me know about that paper heart thing.

FYI, I'm all caught up on Wil Wheaton's dog.


  1. Something something, herbal aphrodisiac, something something, coins, something something, heart shape.

  2. I wonder where the traditional symmetrical image representing the heart originated?

    When I google this phrase, it comes up with your blog.


  3. From Wikipedia:

    The seed of the silphium plant, used in ancient times as an herbal contraceptive, has been suggested as the source of the heart symbol.

    Happy Valentine's Day, JV.

  4. I didn't google the origins of the symetrical representation of a heart. I'm just so glad I'm not alone in seeing an ass in Jane Seymore's jewelry. Except that I see the top heart as a nice set of tits, too. So it is really like classy porn and that makes me want to ask for one of her necklaces for V-day.

    ~ Jill

  5. I always saw a butt, or possibly a scrotum, in the open heart necklace... until someone else interpreted it as, "Gay Zorro has been here."

    That is now the preferred reaction for me, as well as all the small small babies.

  6. Anonymous7:18 PM

    Maybe Ted is your Dark Half?

  7. Im hurt. You trash my portrait of you on the internet. The INTERNET. It took me hours to craft that image of you... sitting in my little room, imagining your face... I dont take to that kind of insult well...

    You should've been my Valentine, Johnny..

  8. Ted says "hi" and is heartbroken that you don't remember him.

  9. Upstate Broad1:21 PM

    JV, you're totally missing the top half of the necklace! My Big Guy refers to it as the "Boobs & Butt" pendant.

  10. Jorg, you are just making that up, aren't you?

    Sweet pea, google is damned fast. It knows all.

    Bg, thanks man. You saved me a click. Or a trip to the library for old times sake.

    River snake, UN, you are both totally right! How could I have missed that? In my defense, once an assman, always an assman.

    Sarah, I will alsol accept gay zorro for 1000 points.

    Anon, I had an MRI of my head a while back and there were no eyes or teeth in there but you may be on to something....

    Tracy, I apologize. All my bacon are belong to you.

    Chris, tell him I'm sorry, and I am pretty sure his car keys are still in the fishbowl in the attic.

  11. OMG, I am so glad you wrote this. Those Jane Seymour necklaces drive me CRAZY!!!! I think they are butt-ugly, and that's not an accidental comparison.

    Actually, what annoys me even more is the diamond industry making up a new "must-have" accessory every year, around the holidays. It's usually a necklace first and foremost, but they also put the new design on other jewelry. First it was the single diamond pendant with a bail. I forget what was next, but we've now been through the circle of diamonds pendant, the three-stone pendant, the "journey" pendant, etc. And then we have people like 'ole Jane jumping on the bandwagon.

    Why does this aggravate me so? Because men are supposed to be guilted into snapping up whatever is "in." Women are supposed to feel bad if they haven't got it...

    Proud (Still) Wearer of A Circle Pendant

    P.S. What the hell is going on with WV all of the sudden?? We have to put in two words and I can barely read them! What a pain.

  12. I love Wil Wheaton!! I always have to pronounce his name like Stewie does lol.

    Those are great Valentines! My daughter is in 2nd grade so now I know what to look forward to!

  13. Anonymous1:45 PM

    My wife always refers to that necklace as the double ball sack... I'm glad to hear that she is not the only pervert.

  14. Gareth5:47 AM

    I was told that the heart shape is based on the shape of a frog's heart. It's only got three chambers rather than four (two at the top and one at the bottom) and looks a lot more like a heart shape than a human heart does

  15. When I was in first grade, apparently we had to draw a picture of our family for open house. My parents came and after looking at all the pictures, asked here mine was. "Right here," the teacher pointed out. It was Mom, Dad, Chris (me), and my brother Steve. I'm an only child. WTF???

  16. That should be WHERE mine was. And I'm a "professional" secretary. Jesus.

  17. Anonymous1:23 AM

    OMG people... do you not realize the heart shape is a woman's butt from the back, bending over as if she was waiting for some lovin??
    Very primitive shape and thus, reaction.

    Though she might have been just tying her shoe lace...

  18. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/recycled/2007/02/the_shape_of_my_heart.html?GT1=9129

    Best I can do for you, Virgil.