No Uggos or Fatties.

I am pretty looped on a couple of very good dirty vodka martinis right now, so no guarantees on this post. I saw this on the BBC the other day. I guess the holidays weren't kind to some of the beautiful people:

It sort of confirms what I always suspected. The Beautiful People are like a pack of wolves. If you show any sign of weakness, they are on you in a quick second, tearing off the tastiest parts and saving the rest for later.

"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model."

Uh huh.

All I can say is I hope none of these so-called "fatties" finds out where you live, because if they do, your business model will be lying in a pool of blood next to your dead, beaten body. Especially if you don't have six-pack abs and a chiseled jaw. Or maybe especially if you do.

Out of curiosity, I checked out the site. Right on the front page I was immediately hit with a picture of a guy and a girl, and it could go either way as to whether the guy is actually prettier than the girl, and I'm not even gay. He actually looks a little like a girl who needs a bit of a shave. This got me to thinking about what constitutes "beautiful" since they cater to just about every country, and let me tell ya, there are some really ugly countries out there.

I also wondered where age fit in, if at all. Would someone like George Clooney be considered one of the Beautiful People even though he's getting up there? Or are all the BP's under 30? If you got kicked out for putting on a few pounds, would you get kicked out if you posted a picture that showed your crow's feet or your laugh lines? What about someone like Mick Jagger? He's probably had more sex in his lifetime than all the people on that site, yet in the classical sense, he's ugly as sin. I used to look at Mick Jagger and think that if he were a cab driver in New York City, he'd probably die a virgin. It's all relative, I guess. Power, wealth, plastic surgery or talent -- they can all make you appear more attractive. Then again, so can hanging out with people uglier than you are. That's what I do. (Hey, where are you guys going? You can't leave! Wait! Come back! OK, that's it. I'm not paying you to be my friends anymore.)

Speaking of paying, once you have been deemed "Beautiful" by the Others, you apparently have the privilege of paying $25 a month to continue your "membership." The founder said he'd rent out the membership list for things like exclusive club openings and such. But I think this will cause confusion and probably result in a bad rep for the club, because what will happen is this: On opening night Joey from Jersey will go to the club and then the next day he'll tell all his friends about the tons of hot women who were ignoring him there. Then the next weekend they will all go with him and Joey won't understand why the place is a now a sausage factory, and an ugly one at that.

Just for fun, I decided to see if the vaguely middle-eastern version of Johnny Virgil from this post could become a member of beautiful people, since I knew my real picture wouldn't have a shot. Since he appears to be from a foreign country of unknown origin, I randomly decided it should be Turkey, since I figured they had a pretty high tolerance for the ugly given the name of their country. I've never been there, so I have no idea how ugly they may actually be. After I signed up and created my profile, I did a Google search on "Turkish Girls" and the first image that came up was this one* so I obviously have no idea wtf I'm talking about. And now I want to move to Turkey.

Once you submit, there's a period of time where the already accepted Beautiful People can vote on you. After that, you're either a member, or you're Too Ugly To Belong. So far I'm doing pretty good:

Yeah. You can't see it well in the picture, but there's a white indicator line that is slammed so hard to the left side of the bar that it's practically become part of the frame. If that graph were really in 3D, that red X would be poking your eye out right now. And apparently looking like Lionel Ritchie doesn't count for much to the Beautiful People of Turkey. Maybe if I attached a .wav file of me singing "Sail On" it would help. Or maybe not.

Once you're on the site, there's a little window where random comments by existing members go by, accompanied by a thumbnail photo. I clicked on the first one that went by after I noticed it scrolling and it was a guy who looked kinda like an old version of Heath Ledger. He had a shaved head, a fake tan and he was wearing a suit jacket with no shirt underneath. Presumably, he believes he has found the loophole to get into those "jacket required" restaurants, and yet still be able to show off his abs. I think he got confused and he really meant to sign up for ridiculousdouchebags.com.

In another six hours, I'll lose my access, and go back to being just a regular Turkish guy with a stupid blog.

Oh well. I guess I'll never be an emo vampire.

*Kumho? That sounds like the battle-cry of the amazon hooker warriors or something


  1. There are several things I thank God for before I go to bed each night.

    You not being an emo vampire is now one of them.

    Thanks Virg.

  2. LMAO!

    You found a pic of the Kumho girls? Wow. I didn't know tires could be so pretty.

  3. I wanna move to Turkey now too.

    I hear every day there is like Thanksgiving!

  4. Wow. I saw that newbit as well. What a crock. I live in the UK na]d can assure you...this is not a country filled with 'beautiful' people.

  5. I for one am relieved that us fatties can find true love without the assistance of a social networking site.

    And I'm also strangely haunted by yucky things I know about Turkey. (ie: Oil wrestling. And not by girls like THAT.)

  6. I suspect the main reason you're being rejected there is not because you don't look beautiful but because you don't look rich.

    Next you're going to submit the chimp picture, aren't you? Please say you are.

  7. U.G.L.Y you aint got no aliby...remember that? I think it was from the movie Wildcats. Anyway, that's what came to my head when I saw that site.

  8. nice article... I really thought you would use some middle eastern name instead of your real name.... :)

  9. Wow. You did that while looped on martinis. You rock, my friend.

    I don't do this often in comments (quote the blogpost I just read directly since you're the one who wrote it and already know it), but
    "I used to look at Mick Jagger and think, 'If he were a cab driver in New York City, he'd probably die a virgin.' LMAO. I don't usually say LMAO either, but in your case, I'll make an LMAO exception.

  10. David3:16 PM

    I've been to Turkey several times and I can tell you that I never saw any woman who even vaguely resembled anyone in that picture...other than a few other tourists.

  11. Anonymous5:09 PM

    I'm surprised that you haven't been ganged up on by Turks explaining that Turkey is European not in the middle east.

    I was jealous of all the pretty pictures of Turkish women on my husband's computer but it is part of his plot. He posts another one when ever someone says something derogetory about Turkey... Syria might have given you a pass.

    Where did you get that picture of you... Not beautiful at all..

  12. Travis, you and me both...

    DA, Yes, tires are apparently very sexy..

    Ed, Every day *should* be thanksgiving.

    Pixie, I've never been there, but I hope to go before I die.

    SM, oil wrestling? Really? I am so not going to google that.

    GSE, I thought about doing that one first, but figured they wouldn't buy it. I should have included more bling.

    Alli, I don't remember it...

    UR, glad I could help.

    David, now I'm disappointed.

    IG, if it touches Iraq and Syria, it's part of the ME, since geography is definitely not my strong suit. Check the first link to see where that picture came from. It's a face morphing program.....

  13. somewhere in GA8:00 PM

    Hmm...even with the semi-terrorist look going on, you may not qualify for BP, but you're still pretty hot. I wouldn't worry too much about how they rate you.

  14. You cares if "they" think you are beautiful? you write well & have great taste in liquor.

    I just bet they'd let Octomom onto that site. Or Alexis Arquette.

  15. man. you said "sail on" and now i've got bad brains stuck in my head.

  16. KC, I don't give a crap, I just think the whole thing is funny.

  17. Isn't it great. Kinda like the Hitchhikers Guide(UK TV version) near the end when there are hairdressers, interior designers etc(I cannot remember the other occupations) trying to re-inhabit the earth but doomed to extinction. The beautiful people are going to age themselves out of the club.

  18. Yeah,Colin -- the funniest (and saddest) part of the whole thing is that you have to pay $25 a month after you are accepted to remain a "member." ha

  19. I wonder how "beautiful" you have to be to impress a bunch of narcissists? And then they want $25/mo to stay listed? So... you not only have to be judged beautiful by a bunch of narcissists, you have to retarded on top of it? The hits just keep on coming. What else do you have to do to be accepted? Overcome some ill-conceived reality show dare? "Hi! My name is Candy, and I not only have huge tits, I eat bugs!"

  20. You may have confused the members when you listed your home country as a food. Beautiful people don't like to be confused. It frightens and angers them.

  21. Alli, that's a Fisbone song. If you enjoy it, may I suggest you give a listen to "Lyin' Ass Bitch". There may be a hyphen in there.

  22. The only way someone could get away with saying something like that is spelling it "Kumho".

  23. I saw the same article on CNN.com. I knew I could count on you to try and infiltrate the site. Maybe next time.

  24. The photo really bothers me. You look like you've just finished oogling chicks in berka's.

  25. Casual Visitor12:36 AM

    Great post... Mick Jagger as taxi driver had me in splits...

  26. I am a bit late to this but was catching up on your blog. I got tired of being disappointed if i checked and there was a day without one, so now I let them build up.
    Alright, that website is ridiculous but.......how do they know you have gotten fat if you don't tell them? Surely you could be so obese they have to remove doors to get you out of the house and you just need a cute picture to show them and they think all is well. Do you have to go on Skype and twirl?