Crap I drank yesterday.

I know that drinking this stuff is bad for me, but sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk and 2 pm rolls around, it's either drink one of these caffeinated sugar bombs or start stabbing myself repeatedly in the thigh with a ballpoint pen just so my forehead doesn't bounce off my desk. It has almost 200 milligrams of caffeine, and a bunch of other ingredients I can't pronounce and certainly don't need. I buy it because it's only one of two energy drinks they sell in the vending machine, and it has twice the caffeine of the smaller red bull for the same price.

There are multiple problems with this stuff, not the least of which is that it costs at least two bucks a can. For two bucks, I can get twenty four 200mg caffeine tablets at the dollar store, and they don't smell like cat pee and make me piss like a racehorse every ten minutes for an hour. Unfortunately, becoming a pill popper brings you face to face with your addiction, and I'm not quite ready to embrace that reality.

So yesterday afternoon, I decided to forgo my Taurine, Ginseng, Guarana, L-Carnitine, L-Arginine-laced poison and go with something healthier. Besides, the irony of an energy drink that is supposed to make you feel good but has a clearly damaged skull as its logo is not lost on me.

I scanned the vending machine and wasn't in the mood for expired milk, so my only other option was this:

Yeah, it looks like a urine sample, but it can't be that bad for you, right? I got about half way through it and decided to look at what was in Dole "100% Juice." I figured it was from concentrate and I wasn't wrong, but I did get a surprise.

After reading that, I didn't finish it. Concentrate from ten different countries? Holy crap. Looking at that list, I probably wouldn't even drink the water from seven out of the ten. Seriously, why would Pepsico need to get apple concentrate from China? Although I suppose it probably is pretty cheap to get juice from apples grown in the composted shit piles of a thousand peasants. Once you chip off the lead coating, I mean.

I also like how Pepsico basically disavows any responsibility for your shriveled kidneys by informing you that it's manufactured by "independent producers" under "license." They're basically telling you that you're on your own here and that they sell the Dole logo to anyone who can put some apple flavored liquid in a bottle and give them their cut of the profits.

From now on I guess I'll just have to stick to vodka.

Also, here's my coolest Christmas present (from my wife) in action:


(No, I didn't drink it, but I like to imagine that it tastes like green apple jolly ranchers.)


  1. Huh. When I scrolled down I was thinking that was the third beverage you tried yesterday. Lava Lamp Plasma. Groovy Green Flavor.

    Doesn't sound like it could have been much worse than the first two you imbibed.

    Think I'll go have a glass of water.

    Cheers, JV!

  2. Anonymous8:32 PM

    Nice lamp. Did your wife order it from the 1977 JC Penney catalog? And yes, you're better off keeping a flask in the bottom desk drawer.

  3. If you want to drink something that tastes like green apple jolly ranchers I recommend Jones Soda's green apple. And you'll still drink it after reading the ingredients.

  4. i tried to drink mountain dew the other week... first time since college. the caffeine made me dizzy and nauseated. i'm sticking to vitamin water.

    hey, your lava lamp kinda reminds me of mountain dew...

  5. I think a mandatory afternoon nap should be enforced in all businesses. Sign me up, I would be so happy to nod off for half an hour or so, unpaid even. Like I want to go home, right?

  6. I think if the bottle comes with a skull, that should be a pretty clear sign you shouldn't drink it. Right?

  7. My son has that same lamp...
    I love lamp.
    And wow- I cannot believe what goes into some simple old apple juice. shoccking...even more shocking to me (since I don;t drink energy drinks) is that they would put that dmamged skull on the can! I guess there IS truth in advertising :)

  8. May-B is right. They teach you that shit in KINDERGARTEN, man.

  9. See? That's why I don't drink juice.

    Also, glad to see there are other people still using Mini-Disc's other than myself.

  10. Anonymous8:24 AM

    Just drink some Flame!

  11. Okay, you didn't ask, specifically, but I need to shatter at least one of your illusions....

    That lavalamp? The green shit in it is, as I understand it, lumps of wax. So, have you ever eaten a green crayon? Did they taste like green apples? Now, just imagine drinking a molten liquified green crayon.

    MMMM. Nothing like 2nd degree burns on the inside of your mouth and down your throat.

  12. Anonymous9:08 AM

    For a pick-me-up, skip the energy soda drinks and try 5 Hour Energy. It works well for me, give it a try! www.5hourenergy.com

  13. So since you're laying off the energy drinks, have you gotten the withdrawal headaches?

    I can't stand the taste of those, but if I drink one, the next day if I _don't_ have one I'll deal with a nasty headache for about 1-2 hours as by body compensates for the loss of sugar and caffeine that it isn't getting..

    Ah, the joys of addiction!

  14. The label is a blanket label they provide to the franchisees to put on their bottle. So, while the bottle MAY have contained a wide variety of apples, it probably only contained some subset that applied to your local apple juice production facilities.

  15. Anonymous12:32 PM

    "Crap" is your new favourite word, isn't it?

    Wow on the juice label. They must have very different rules between the US and Canada, as the Dole juice I've bought here does not have that "catch-all" label. Mind you, it just says "apple juice from concentrate", so perhaps they don't have to state where the apple juice came from?

    Now I'm really scared...

  16. I love you posts! They do make me giggle. I must visit more often!

  17. Wow. Ew, and wow. What happened to just having a cup of coffee (or tea) in the afternoon? Last time I tried an energy drink I was only able to fiish about 1/16 of it, and it tasted like a melted astro-pop with what could have been some crack.

  18. I only drink Diet A&W Root Beer now that I found out it doesn't have that high-fructose-corn-syrup in it. I'll be skinny in no time.

    Extremely cool lava lamp from the Mrs.! And what, exactly, did you get her for Christmas?

  19. man your labelling laws are whack. in my country if something is "100% juice" that's exactly what it is. not concentrate...

  20. steve, you're better off.

    Anon, I'm not sure that would get you a bonus.

    Beaker, thanks for the tip. Some of that looks pretty good.

    Marianne, I used to drink Dew pretty heavily, but then heard brominated vegetable oil wasn't good for you...

    Cameron, there's a ton of studies that show it actually boosts productivity, but good luck getting any company to allow it.

    May, you'd think. But then again, it has wings.

    Badass, you're better off. And good eye. Glad to know there's another person who probably has a laserdisc player in the basement.

    Pos, yeah, I know it's wax. but just because I know pledge doesn't taste like lemons doesn't mean I can't dream...

    Anon, that stuff is even more expensive.

    Jorm, no...I need to stop caffeine for a while..I'm immune, I think. But I don't get the headaches. I just fall asleep.

    Edward, I fully expected the old "may contain" line. But I thought it was funny that it said "contains" -- like it was mandatory.

    Kristina, just call me Hellboy.

    JL, I have some instant in my desk drawer. But sometimes a hot drink isn't what you want....also, you're right. It's like someone melted up some sweet tarts in carbonated water.

    KK, everything she wanted.

  21. Anonymous8:22 PM

    I've never had an energy drink, and after reading these descriptions, I doubt I ever will! That's odd about the juice. I wonder what part of "100%" they didn't understand?

    If you want liquor AND sour apple, I saw something like that at the store. I think it's called "Pucker." Of course, the name is a little off-putting...

  22. Anonymous10:58 PM

    You have uncovered the OPEC of juice my friend. Well done!

  23. I don't know about apples in China, but the ones from Hungary taste really good.

    Happy New Year JV.

  24. btw - that last comment was from me... I comment here from time-to-time, but not via that sign in.

    In case you're keeping score that is.

    Sorry. Peace out.

  25. Hey, sorry to bother you again. Did you end up seeing the money from smallaa? Where did the page go with the winning posts? I can't even find it! I didn't get my check yet, and I'm getting worried.

  26. I saw it briefly before it went to taxes and bills

  27. Anonymous8:57 PM

    Vodka's always better when you're on the clock. And hey! Mix it with the skull energy drink to kill all the bad stuff and that's all the pick-me-up you'll need. Ever!

  28. Even worse is going to a rock concert and realizing you are surrounded by twenty-somethings that have downed at least three of these drinks. Now that's scary. Even scarier is the fact that I am probably older than their parents.

    In the olden days we just downed a fifth, smoked a dubbie and enjoyed the show. And don't even get me started on the lava lamps, man.

    Just how many ways can massive amounts of caffiene be marketed?

    JV, you're gonna have to take up walking in the afternoon with all the other fuddy duddies. We don't bite.

  29. Rocky would have added a raw egg, a shot of whiskey, and downed that crap....

  30. Cardio Cocktail is typically made out of L Arginine, though it is commonly blended with other herbal supplement products such as EDTA or Omega 3,6, and 9 Essential Fatty Acid. L-Arginine, an essential amino acid, is the major component for vascular protection. L-arginine is pure 100% free form arginine and is the precursor for endotheiium-derived nitric oxide (EDNO), which prevents a heart attact.

  31. Anonymous12:48 PM

    I'm on Atkins, I miss energy drink, but I cannot drink them as they have carbs, damnit!

  32. I will probably get cancer by the time I am 40 from the aspertame in my two daily Diet Cokes. Gotta have my kick start in the morning - and one mid-afternoon.

  33. "For two bucks, I can get twenty four 200mg caffeine tablets at the dollar store"
    They charge you double for those?

  34. No, they come in packages of 12.

  35. Juice just ain't juice without the tangy hint of melamine. Stick to the energy drinks, my friend.

  36. I had no idea you were racist against Chinese apples.

    I lived in China for awhile and they have apples and pears that are as big as your head. They probably contain only slightly fewer chemicals than your cranial trauma energy drink.

    Also, Cranial Trauma would be a sweet name for a band.

  37. Dude,

    betcha ten bucks that that bottle of "apple juice" ain't never seen a fruit.

  38. um, there's a drink that's been around for centuries and is pretty pure, some of us call it "coffee" and it can be had it many varieties, sometimes even provided free by your employer.

    If you're really serious about an afternoon pickup, there are still pills out there that give you the same vitamin boost that was in the injections given to the Kennedy family.

    Or, a quick brisk walk out in that 4 degree weather might do the trick, too.

    Nah... just drink a cup or two of straight black coffee... Yes, an acquired, but remember your first taste of beer?

  39. Anonymous4:55 AM

    excellent post! I so know that 2pm feeling.

  40. This was the drinkable version of the lava lamp