There's a commercial that's been on quite a bit lately for a sleep aid called Lunesta. Normally I don't pay much attention to these types of medical advertisements -- the Enzyte debacle notwithstanding -- but invariably with these sorts of things, in the last ten seconds some guy with a deep, barely audible voice runs through all of the horrible side-effects that they are probably required by law to tell you about, but don't really want you to know. Like the "fine print" at the end of a car dealership ad when they tell you (at auctioneer speed) that you're not really going to get the fantastical deal they just told you that you were going to get.
Anyway, as the requisite droning voice in the commercial was going on and on about how Lunesta can cause drowsiness (what? my sleep aid can cause drowsiness? WTF?), garbage mouth, light-headedness, heavy-headedness, periodic shooting of luna moths from random orifices, etc. -- something catches my ear.
I backed up my DVR just to make sure I heard it right. It said:
"Instances of sleepwalking and driving while asleep and later having no memory of these activities has been reported."
Sleep-walking, yeah I can see that, but sleep-driving? That is a pretty serious side-effect. They are telling me that I could quite possibly find myself waking up behind the wheel of my car in the parking lot at work and having no recollection of how I -- wait, that's a really bad example.
I went to their website for more information and they elaborated on this theme a little bit. They say you are supposed to "Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep." Maybe it's just me, but that sounds pretty cool. I'll bet I would get a lot more done.
And really, at that point, why call? Hell, I'm already out cruising around in my sleep. I'll just hit a Taco Bell drive-thru and stop over at his house. I'm sure he'll be glad to see me standing in his doorway in my Underoos at 2am chowing down on a chimichanga and snoring.
Also, "engage in other activities?"
Like what? A Badminton tournament? A 5K marathon? S&M rodeo sex at a highway rest stop?
I can picture the morning call:
Me: "Hello, Doctor Marten?"
Doc: "Yes? What seems to be the problem?"
Me: "I woke up this morning and apparently.... well, I think I painted my house in my sleep last night."
Doc: "Oh my god! We've got to get you off that Lunesta right away!"
Me: "Uh, can I wait one more night? My wife thinks it needs a second coat."
At any rate, this stuff sounds dangerous. If you take it, you might want to hide your car keys. And probably your paintbrush. Either that or just stop over and I'll let you paint my house.
p.s. - Bring Meximelts.