I'm sorry. Voice mailbox for....GOD....is full.

I know this sign isn't entirely true, and I know that because I helped Him set up his voice-mail box a month ago. So I know He has it.

God's kinda old-school, though, and by that I mean He isn't very technical. Put it this way - his VCR has been blinking 12:00:00 since 1975. Yeah. It's Betamax. I was over there last week and we watched Spiderman 5. Where he got that on beta I'll never know. The small miracles amuse him.

The problem with the voice mail thing is that it only rings 4 times before going to VM, so He always turns it off when he's going to just be hanging around. Unfortunately, he's not great at remembering to turn it back on when He goes out, so I can see how the church people may have been under the above impression. Seriously, most of the time when you call, it just rings off the hook.

I keep telling him he should just have it roll over to his cell number, but He says being on the phone with Verizon tech support is just way too close to actually being in Hell.

If you're curious, this is what his voicemail message says:

"Hi. You've reached the number of God. I'm everywhere right now, so unfortunately I can't take your call. My message is very important to you, so if you would leave your name and a number where you can be reached, I will call you when when you least expect it. If I don't get back to you right away, it means that I am out working in mysterious ways. If this is an emergency, please contact my son Jesus, or his mother Mary, and they will handle it. You can have complete faith in them. Thanks, and have a good day."

I called him the other day and got lucky. I let it ring about 15 times and just when I was going to hang up, He answered.

"Hello? [heavy breathing]

"Hey, It's me. Why are you out of breath?"

"I was outside raking galaxies. I had to run for the phone. What's up?"

"What happened to that wireless handset I got for you?"

"Still in the box. I haven't had time to hook it up yet. What d'you need, bro?"

"You're all powerful. How long would it take you to hook it up? Jeez. I tried your cell too. Went right to voicemail. To the system greeting, no less. I thought we got rid of that last week."

"Uh, yeah I don't know what's up with that. I was trying to erase old messages the other day and I think I pushed some wrong button. Anyway, If you called my cell I didn't hear it ring. I think maybe I left it in the truck. It's on vibrate so I can never find the damned thing. "

"Whatever. You should just go Blackberry like the rest of the world. Hey, I know you're busy, but I just wanted to tell you -- you might want to drop in over there in the middle east. Things are a little out of control."

"Oh man. Again? Yeah, I've been meaning to do that. Thanks for the heads up."

"No Problem, G. Get back to it. Oh yeah, by the way -- I've been meaning to ask you: Why'd you put all the oil on one side of the planet and all the people who want it on the other side?"

"I know, right? I crack myself up sometimes. [beeep] Hey, hang on second. It's the other line."



"Yeah, still me."

"OK, hang on. I think something might be burning outside. Let me just get rid of ----"

click. [dialtone]

Unbelievable. Great guy, though.


  1. LOL, that was great, thanks. I feel like God and I talk like that sometimes. I tell friends that I call Him dude and they look at me funny. Oh well. this was great. thanks again.

  2. Wow, JV, awesomeness is surrounding that whole post, and hilarity is of course spewing from its blasphemy lined bowels.

    Good times. Speaking on a serious religious matter however, I think I may turn your blog into a religious following. You cool with that?

  3. Haha, Joan Osborne totally didn't get that one right.

    Ps, do you read crummy church signs? Joel (the author) totally needs to link to this post. http://crummychurchsigns.blogspot.com/

  4. What a funny post -- I love reading your stuff.

    Church signs often crack me up. There's a little baptist church not far from where I live, and recently they put on their sign, Before you point out the faults of others, point out 10 of your own. I thought was good advice, but the problem was, they left it there too long and some of the letters fell off. The last time I read it, it said, Be or u p int out th fault f hers, po nt out 0 of y r o n

    Kinda lost its significance there.

    By the way, I wrote a goofy God story a while back called A Day With Big G if you'd like to pop over and read it.

  5. Hmmm, interesting information JV. I gave up trying to call God a long time ago. He never called me back. I was beginning to think that he didn't exist. Thanks for setting me straight, JV. Maybe he just doesn't like me.

  6. Anonymous11:27 AM

    I really like you style.

  7. Anonymous11:28 AM

    I really like YOUR style...ahem...

  8. God sounds just like my Dad. I bet God doesn't have e-mail yet.

  9. Ok..that does it! I'm in love with you, and I'm saying it out loud!

  10. Anonymous5:25 PM

    trying to picture g-d with a blackberry was hilarious.


  11. Hey! Are you linked to the guy who's book is titled 'God's Shrink'?

    Very funni post.

  12. Bad J.V. Bad!!! You made me cry at work - and its 39 degrees here - waaay too hot for that "crying with laughter" shit!


  13. Rae - it's about 39 degrees in JV's neck of the woods, too.

    Oh. THAT 39 degrees.

    Wanna trade latitudes?

  14. Anonymous11:19 PM

    HA! I like the oil crack! God seems to keep up pretty well in my part of the world.

    I'm sorry to hear it's 39 degrees. I will trade you places. It got up to 85 today. We are expecting a cold front that will bring it down to 78 by Tuesday. BRRRR. Time to dig out the sweaters.

  15. Too funny! Have you seen the Mr. Deity videos?

  16. Funny! Love the sign and I'm happy I found your blog. It cracks me up.

  17. I am always compelled to read those signs. Is there a book that all the churches use to come up with those or just their own "creativity." Very clever as usual.

  18. JV - you're the best! I so enjoy reading your blog...have you published a book yet?

  19. Anonymous2:02 PM

    Well, that was fun to read! I love signs like that! I think I have an odd one I am inspired to post after seeing yours... Hmm, now I must find it!

  20. John the scientist -

    Latitude -28.76667
    Longitude 114.60000
    Latitude (DMS) -28d -46m 0s
    Longitude (DMS) 114d 36m

    hope that means something to you - as it all means gobbledy gook to me...
    In plain talking terms, it means Geraldton in Western Australia.

    you sure you didn't mean platitudes?

  21. I'm just curious about when he finally got rid of his answering machine. I can't believe he finally went wireless. but it was kinda cool seeing the big ass tape he had to use for all his messages

  22. Clearly, God needs a second line. And bluetooth.

  23. Anonymous1:54 PM

    yeah, you're pretty freaking hilarious - I think I'm going to leave my husband and 5 kids for you, alrighty?

  24. luckily god has a good sense of humor

  25. I found your site a couple of weeks ago and you have yet to fail to make me laugh. I love the way you write! Anyways, just thought I'd delurk and say hi!

  26. Church down the street has a sign that says 'Be fishers of men...you catch them, he cleans them'. Which gives me a disturbing image of a cosmic fillet knife jiggering open people's vital bits and scraping them out on a rock. For the seagulls.

  27. TracySan, he sounds like MY dad too!

    Cory, go for it. But if there are virgins to be sacrificed, I want no part of it.

    Lisa, I've seen CCS before on the humor blog, but never visited.

    Nicole, it's not that he doesn't like you, he just says you're high maintenance.

    Ricky, he really does, but the tech support alone would be brutal. He'd be calling me every day.

    Gwadzilla, I figure if he's the ultimate being, then he has the ultimate sense of humor.

    Whitney, thanks.

    SM, I would have thought the exact same thing.

  28. I've got no words for this one. This is in the Top 10 now.

  29. Anonymous7:43 PM

    I like spotting church signs too, although I have to admit my favorite sign I ever saw was for a meat products company: "You can't beat Waggoner's meat!" You KNOW there is someone out there thinking, 'I bet I can, AND HOW!' - Otter

  30. I just recently started watching your blog. =) I love the humor. Definitely puts a smile on my face no matter how the day is going.

  31. Anonymous2:17 PM

    Nice post, brother. Yea, God could be either one of my folks.

  32. Anonymous2:26 PM

    You should publish this stuff (not just blogging...actual BOOK). I have read about a year and a halfs worth of your work and LOVE every single entry (yes, I do have a life, but most nights, I can't sleep)! Around 2:00am one morning, I woke up my entire family laughing! I'm afraid to continue because, well, then it will be OVER! NO MORE! Then what am I going to do????

  33. Hey,

    New reader, via mjrc at Lost in Your Inbox. Glad I made the find. Funny stuff. Inspiring, makes me think about going back to comedy writing.

    Keep up the good work! Talk to you soon.

  34. as with the bulk of your newbie readers, i found your blog through the jcpenney post (hilarious).

    one of my favorite baptist boards was in indiana and it said "god answers knee-mail"... i guess he must prefer it to voicemail because of the convenience and all.

    great post.

  35. dude. i wish i had something original to say, but i have to let you know that you crack me up.

    thanks for the laugh.

  36. Anonymous12:38 AM

    ok so i've been catching up for a while now i read all the post and most of the comments, i gave after the jcp explosion, so now that i am commenting current i thought great a comment he might read, but then im like im # 40 nevermind i go again ignored, i think i'm gonna steal "GODS" message and use it at church no less. you i totally agree with you on the take of god, how else do you explain the duck billed platypus or pope john paul II in a bullet proof golf cart, its like marley said (i believe) everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

  37. high maintenance, Huh??? Did he hear that from my husband?

  38. First time reader - great post, dude! As opposed, you know, to Dude.

    (Holy crap - Does God looks like Jeff Bridges? It'd make sense....)

  39. I stumbled onto your blog, and it's hysterical! I love people who can actually joke about God! Thanks for the laugh!!

  40. I'm a new reader too...you crack me up.

  41. Anonymous8:46 AM

    I am surprised to learn just how difficult God's voicemail is. I always figured he ran a drive-up window sort of operation, where you queued up, first to the speaker box, then to get your sack of goodies. The real hurdle in my scenario is the wait in line and the likelihood that the idiot in front of you is ordering fifteen cheeseburgers without pickles or mustard.
    As for voice mail recordings, why wouldn't God just thank you for your call and assure that you already got his gifts this time. Please call again. But I am not God or his technology guru.

  42. Thank you, worthy blogger.

  43. Anonymous10:39 PM

    You're a RIOT, dude. I just stumbled onto your blog while executing a Google search of unsavory motivation. Somehow, I landed on your blog.

    There is not much that makes me truly laugh during my typical day of discharging life's obligations, but this has been one exception.

    I will bookmark this site and be back when I have more time and when my wife is not watching Barry Manilow singing on some God-forsaken Ellen Degenerate variety show.

    Cheers from South Carolina!

  44. Anonymous10:13 AM

    I just. I just love you too much.

  45. So so cracked me up. (...and yet sounds so true).

  46. So so cracked me up. (...and yet sounds so true).