I want to party with these people. Wait. No, I don't.

I have questions about this. For those of you too lazy to click on the link, it's a story about a lovely woman named Rebecca Dawson, who was charged with "malicious castration" for nearly tearing someone's scrotum off at a Christmas party -- with her bare hands. 50 stitches, my friends. Frankenjunk -- for the rest of his life.

So my questions are as follows:

(1) What the HELL kind of Christmas parties do they throw down there in North Carolina? Also, if you get an invite to their New Year's Eve bash, I'd give serious consideration to not going.

(2) "Malicious Castration?" I have to ask: Is there really any other type? As a guy, I would have to say no. (I know you women are out there counting them off on your fingers: "Intentional, deserved, completely necessary, just-for-fun, etc., etc.)

(3) To put it in terms of the holiday -- why was the baby jesus out of his manger in the first place?

(4) She did it with her bare hands. Will I ever again be able to tear the skin off a raw chicken without wincing just a little bit? I think not.

(5) Apparently, it was reported as a domestic disturbance. I would like to know who called this in. "Hello? 911? Yes, this is Rachel Fitzwater and I live across the street from the Dawsons. I can't be 100% sure, but I think I just heard the sound of a scrotum being ripped from someone's body. Yes, I'll hold, thank you."

(6) Why did they feel the need to inform us that "the arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington?" Does that fact really surprise anyone? I would think that if it wasn't the first time, then it *might* be worth a mention.

Slow news day, I guess. Slow blog day too, and that's why you're getting this post -- But really it's just because I couldn't stand looking at Pooping Santa's giant red butthole any longer.


  1. Happy Merry Joy Time 2007!

  2. I spent a month at a party like that one day. H!H!!H!H

  3. Anonymous10:49 AM

    I've always been more of a fan of whimsical castration.

  4. Dude, I live near there and hearing about that party was a first for most of the folks I know! Mostly we just get drunk, cry and hug each other...the whole tearing off of one's nuts is a bit over the top even here in the South.

  5. Must have been one of those Yankee transplants. Either that or the girl was drunk on Uncle Daddy's moonshine. I don't have a pair and that story made ME cringe.

  6. Anonymous4:30 PM

    you know what, that bit about me calling in the dawson castration totally happened.

  7. I *KNEW* it!

    You've always got your nose in someone else's castration.

  8. JV--I am shocked--deeply shocked! to find out you are reading North Carolina newspapers. They're too obscene for me.

  9. Anonymous4:18 AM

    that is horrible. i hope the guy is ok. what in the hell kind of party is that?

  10. I'll bet it was that guy and his two ladies and he said something like "hey baby.. why don't you come over here and break me off a little something something..."

    See.. clarity in meaning is critical these days.

  11. Anonymous10:53 PM

    Fellas consider yourselves warned!

    Take it from me, once fierce Ninja Chick!

  12. Anonymous8:28 AM

    And my burning question is why is there a law regarding malicious castration anyway?

  13. Anonymous2:17 PM

    I feel like I have to chime in because this is not the first time I have heard such a story. When I was in Army basic training our female drill sergeant told us about getting arrested when she was stationed in Korea. A Korean national attacked and tried to rape her. She removed his testicles for him with her bare hands. Much kinder treatment than he deserved if you ask me....