I've become a stall man.

Yes, it's true. I can't take it any more.

I always thought stall guys were kind of weird, and all sorts of things ran through my head when I encountered one. Maybe they were homophobic, I thought, or had some sort of catheter bag to empty. Maybe they had stage fright, or were embarrassed by their tiny weenie. Perhaps it was just the opposite, and they were embarrased by their freakishly large one. I really had no idea.

Today, I am here to tell you that I've joined their ranks. I have converted, and not because of any of the aforementioned reasons. The reason I converted is simply this:

That is a top down view of every urinal at every place I've ever worked.

Usually, they look like this by about 9am, and get progressively worse as the day goes on. It starts out at 8am as a spray mist, turns into a small puddle by 9, then turns into a sticky puddle from noon on. After that, you could probably scrape it up with a putty knife.

I simply refuse to stand in it any longer.

So I've become a stall man. I don't know which particular set of slobs is doing this to every urinal station, but I am pretty sure that there are only a few ways it could happen:

1. Gross obesity and absolutely zero control over where your urethra is currently pointing, or

2. Intentionally spraying piss like a horny alley cat marking his territory.

The problem in the first case is twofold - one, being too fat to actually see your own member and two, the ballistics of the thing, which determines how much piss lands on the floor. I suck at math and can't seem to actually generate a working peequation, so if there are any mathematicians reading this, feel free to help me out:

As far as I can tell, the variables are as follows:

Let R=relative stream strength (condition of prostate+bladder level+amount of coffee and/or mountain dew consumed)

Let X=dribble/shake

Let Z=distance from urinal

Let P= well, Pee

Somewhere therein lies the answer. But many math problems can be solved with geometry as well, and a diagram often works wonders. Being more visually oriented, I feel the peequation can be illustrated more clearly with a simple drawing:

So that takes care of possibility number one. As for possibility number two, (i.e., the alley cat theory) the only other conceivable way this amount of piss could end up on the floor is if he put his thumb over the end like he's spraying something with a garden hose. I have yet to actually witness that, but give it time. I've seen just about everything else.

So long story short, I now piss in the stall where it's dry and I don't stick to the floor. I'm sure there are some people who think I'm ashamed of my tiny weenie (that's besides the point), but at least I no longer feel compelled to burn my shoes.

Goddammit people. AIM for chrissakes. It's not that difficult. And if you're too fat to get close enough, dangle your dongle in a coffee cup and then dump it or something. Jesus.


  1. I can't believe that second picture.

  2. Anonymous4:16 PM

    OMG. I can't eat dinner now. Or DQ. That is so gross.

  3. Stall all the way. Handicap stall, if need be.

  4. I didn't think anything could put you off the DQ! Sorry...

    Sarah, Believe it.

    DugE - I would have thought that after the drunken rock tour, you could pee anywhere.

    mordja - yes. yes it would.

    ms - the capper stalls are the best.

  5. i remember reading an internet article about a business that painted a fly inside the urinal. guys took aim at the fly and it made a huge difference in the cleanliness of the bathroom.

    here's the url of a pic of the painted fly:


    damn, i know a lot of weird stuff.

  6. While potty training my two boys I couldn't get the urine smell out of my bathroom. Come to find out they were overshooting the bowl and spraying the hinges of the seat. As a result there was a film of congealed pee down the sides of my toilet. Ick.

    At least you don't have to share a bathroom with strange women; when working fast food the women's room was almost always way nastier than the men's room.

  7. wow finally there's a benefit having a tiny wang. I never knew there was pee by the urinals.

  8. Our company just recently had a stall etiquitte class because certain members were taking too, how should I say this politely, pooing and running. And we're not just talking a small little log here, oooh no we're talking "Who does Number 2 work for" explosiveness. I've since taken to carefully inspecting the stalls before I go in. So let me just say that women can be worse sometimes...

  9. stall etiquitte? That's just crazy.

  10. : ) This post is funny as hell :)

    I love it.

    New York Bathrooms

  11. Anonymous10:41 PM

    Thats gross.
    I hate it when people piss in the stalls. Piss splatters all over the seat and the floor when people piss in the stalls.

    If i am going to take a dump in the stall, i dont want pee all over the toilet.

    whats even worse is most the time when people use the stalls to pee, they dont bother to flush.

  12. While in the military we had a sign over the urinal for those who were off target.

    If your bat is too long, choke up.

    If your bat is too short, step up.

    If you still can't hit the target...

    SIT DOWN!!

  13. Anonymous6:58 PM

    I'm going to have to go with Brett on this one. Please tell me you lift the seat (with your toe of course, or a giant wad of toilet paper - which, by the way, helps mitigate splatter on touchdown) before you whiz. Because of stall men I have to wipe down the seat with a giant wad of TP before then covering it with the thin-as-shit wax paper toilet seat cover.

  14. I think your math leaves out a critical factor, which was alluded to by a previous poster in re the seat in the stall: S, the splash factor. People who have thought through the design of urinals a lot more than I care to have taken to putting all kinds of stuff in urinals. Around my place of work it's a single miniature marshmallow, but there are also the cakes and the plastic grilles and god knows what else--someday I expect to see a rubber duckie just hangin' out. The consequence is that you're not safe even if you get inside the target area. There are certainly the freakish accidents, like when you catch the wrong end of one of the holes on the grilles and end up with soaked shoes, but I think the bigger culprit is the corrollary to mist off a waterfall, which slowly, gently settles in a golden halo around the urinal.

    That's my theory, anyway: no single horny alleycat, just a series of men unwittingly leaving the urinal a little worse than when they arrived. Just like our mother earth.

  15. Anonymous10:17 PM

    various reasons for off-target mishaps

    Drunk - one hand on wall to keep the room from spinning, 1 hand on penis to aim.

    Foreskin - Large foreskin if you can't get all the skin tucked away in time, direction of pee changes and squeezing the end causes mis-direction.

    Sneeze/Fart/Clenching butt cheeks -also

  16. Anonymous1:49 PM

    The picture has disappeared. Can you reattach?

  17. That's a six year old picture, but let me take a look. :)

  18. Have you ever googled the pictures for the urinals at sofitel in queensland, NZ?
    snopes says that it is a true picture

    1. Are those the ones that look like mouths? I think they finally took those out.