8/10/08

Sundays With Sylvia: Volume VI

In 1933, prohibition was over. I'm not entirely sure Sylvia was pleased about that, although she does have a few exercises to counteract the fact that drinks were no longer relegated to hidden basements and underground speak-easys. In today's installment of SWS, Sylvia talks to you about your alcohol consumption habits. For the very fat or the very nervous, all alcoholic drinks are right out:



What? I've been in awkward social situations before, but not that awkward. In fact, I can honestly say that I've never had this be an issue for me. Perhaps I'm not being invited to the right parties.

Oh, wait:



And here I must pause to emphasize the need for a good editor. For instance, the above hyphenated word was probably not the best place for a page break.

If you've ever wondered about what causes your hangovers, Sylvia can tell you:



So in other words, drink on an empty stomach to avoid that hangover. I think I'll try that next time.

Also, it's clear that Sylvia doesn't give a shit if you puke on yourself and fall down the stairs, as long as you look fabulous while you do it:



In case you don't know much about human anatomy, Sylvia once more imparts her vast medical knowledge and explains the liver:

The Biggest Gland We Have



So remember boys and girls -- the liver is the thermometer of your personality.

Bitchy Liver, Bitchy Person. It's that simple.

And for those of you who can't seem to make the whole eating right and squeezing fat thing work for you -- get yourself some of Dotty Woofenpoof's cream.



And for those of you who DO indulge, here's an exercise to keep "Ole Man Liver" in fantastical shape:





I don't know about you all, but my liver is stirred up just reading that. And I'm not even going to talk about my drumhead-like hide, much less my shitload of extra personality. I'm like Oprah now, except not fat, black or female. Maybe I should have picked someone different for that example.

I'm including this last paragraph simply because it illustrates the horrible* wrath of Sylvia:



And on that note, it's time for bed. I don't think I'll be able to sleep with visions of Sylvia stretching fat girls out on the counter and giving them "the treatment," but I'm going to try.

And see that button down at the bottom of this post? Slap it like that fat that runs in your family. If it's not working, blame Diesel over at Mattress Police. I hear he's taking donations for baling wire and chewing gum.

I thank you, and Sylvia thanks you.



*yet oddly arousing

23 comments:

  1. My liver told me to 'f--k off and die' years ago. I always wondered why. Now I know. Thanks, Sylvia!

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  2. God...she's a mean bitch, isn't she?

    I still wonder how old she was when she died and what the cause of her demise was. Probably a terry cloth build up in her blood stream from all of the turkish towel beatings...

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  3. Why is it only the slightly overweight or underweight girls who get offered cocks at parties? There seem to have been very few average women in Sylvia's world.

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  4. johnny...just wanted to introduce myself. Found you during a night of utter insomnia. Completely devoted reader...

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  5. Anonymous12:19 AM

    Reading Sylvia's advice is astounding! My liver is cracking up.

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  6. Hubby claims I tell the same stories over and over. I had no idea the "repeats" were caused by a sluggish liver. Thank you Sylvia! (waddles off to stretch drum-like hide)

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  7. And for those of you who DO indulge, here's an exercise to keep "Ole Man Liver" in fantastical shape:

    Now I can't be 100% sure (because I was intoxicated at the time), but I think that was the exercise the officer had me do just before he said, Watch your head ma'am.

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  8. four fried chickens....and a Coke.
    Gawd, Sylvia would die just hearing it ordered....

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  9. "...since you can go scarcley anywhere these days without being offered a snort of this or that."

    So she obviously grew up in the Ghetto and is a crack baby. Explains everything.

    But I LOVE her anyways! JEEEEZZZZ one TINY paragraph is enough to do an entire post on! I am so jealous of you right now JV, but I'm loving you for sharing. :)

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  10. You'd think that if my liver was the thermometer of my personality, God might have put it in a place where I could read it without a scalpel.

    The stupid HB database keeps filling up. I'm trying to upgrade, but my hosting people aren't being very responsive.

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  11. Is giving fat girls "the treatment" the same as giving them "the business?"

    Either way...I want it.

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  12. As a fat girl, I have to say that I'd like to give Sylvia her own treatment but then she'd probably enjoy it too much.

    I am loving Sundays with Sylvia. Even though I want to kick her. A lot. Good thing she's probably dead.

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  13. "Sherry Flip" sounds like a porno name, not a drink ...

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  14. liz, it's an important gland. You can't piss it off without consequences.

    Mum, I have no idea, but I'd like to....

    kc, that's a good question. I think the slightly over and under-weight women *were* the average ones. They got all the cock

    tails.

    anhara, thanks!

    Ray, I think Sylvia is more the "dry white toast" kind of person.

    Diesel, if you were really industrious, you could stitch in a clear vinyl window.

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  15. Dude. Sylvia is beginning to scare the shit out of me.

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  16. I am loving Sylvia's thinking. Ha, ha... Great post!

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  17. I kept waiting for a recipe involving clabbered milk to cure my bitchy liver. Silvia has done nothing more than disappoint me. Guess that drum tight stretch will have to do.

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  18. DaynaJune11:44 PM

    I have a Hide! All this time I thought it was just a big ass!

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  19. kristina1:42 PM

    Gawd I love these posts!!

    I guess no one bothered to point out to Sylvia there is no fat in most alcohol (OK, sugar that turns in to fat, yes...).

    It's hard to believe a book with so much false medical info was allowed to be published, but then again, I don't think people were had gotten down the knack of suing each other in frivolous lawsuits for following stupid instructions back then. Nowadays, she'd be hung upside-down, in front of an open window on a cold day, slapped with Turkish towels and force-fed clabbered milk for trying to make such claims. Then again, I bet she'd like that...

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  20. Anonymous4:22 PM

    I'm excited to show this to my husband. He's still upset over what happened at last years Christmas party. I told him that it's awkward if I don't take the cock but he wasn't buying it. When he hears it from Sylvia I'm sure he'll be more understanding.

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  21. Hey Johnny-

    For all you do to makes us laugh, I made you a little gift courtesy of wordle.net

    http://wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/118179/Untitled

    E

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  22. I thought I was the only one who drank Sherry Flips.

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  23. i keep getting told I already rated your posts and I have not by Humor Blogs. I think they have their brains all scrambled up in their livers!

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