8/3/08

Sundays With Sylvia: Volume V

I don't know if you guys are getting sick of hearing from Sylvia or not, but this edition of SWS marks the end of "No More Alibis" - as far as I'm concerned anyway. But don't worry, because there's plenty more Sylvia in the even funnier addendum book entitled, "Pull Yourself Together, Baby!"

Today we will go to Sylvia for the answer to that age-old question: WTF is up with my skin?

This is a little weird, and I would love for someone to try it and let me know if it works. I would try it myself, except, for reasons that will become obvious shortly, I cannot. Here's how Sylvia guarantees you beautiful skin. For your own sake, and the sake of those around you, I hope you are not lactose intolerant:



That's a lot of milk. As far as the rest goes, maybe it's because I'm a guy, but that seems like a lot of effort to me. I would probably go with the tomato juice. My reasoning is this: If it's just as effective, it would seem to involve a shitload less boiling, draining and slow fire-making. I especially like the way she just sort of...breezes past the substitution. It's like your mechanic telling you "If you can't get gas for your car, you can use liquified chicken fat. You want me to check your oil?" The whole menstrual thing sounds like voodoo to me and I am surprised that she doesn't require you to drink your grapefruit juice at midnight with the light of a full moon shining on your face, but I guess doing it when you have your period is enough to make it work.

She also says that you can tell something is missing in your diet by looking at your nails. If they are weak, or flaking, you aren't eating something you need. I'll give her that much, and even though I've never heard of gooseberries, the rest of the stuff sounds pretty wholesome and good for you. I was with her right up until the end. At the end, she made me gag a little:



Sour, clumpy milk and stale breadcrumbs?* I'm sorry, but adding a little brown sugar to that is NOT going to make it any more palatable. And to all the Scandinavians reading this, what the fuck? That's disgusting. It's like eating a bowl of baby vomit. If it's all the same to you, please keep the rest of your recipes to yourself, thank you very much.

Sylvia jumps around a little bit toward the end, and drops little nuggets of wisdom in the oddest places. In fact, right after she tells you how to keep your skin looking young, that must have kicked off a bout of wishful thinking, because she goes off into an exercise and diet plan for young girls. I'm glad to see the turkish towel makes another appearance:



If you child likes cold showers? Granted, I was a boy child, but at no time do I recall ever liking cold showers. She's big on the dancing, too. In fact, you parents with daughters need to pay close attention to the next bit, because it's vitally important:



At least she doesn't require them to dance in front of an open window, although I'm sure all the young boys in the neighborhood would be very appreciative.

And here we get to the meat of Sylvia's secret. It's not about drinking sour milk, and it's not about slapping off your fat or drinking grapefruit juice at midnight when you have your period.

Her secret is simple. Plastic Surgery!



So there you have it. Screw the exercise and the diet, just have it all fixed with the knife. That being said, it's very important to remember one thing: Don't have a quack. Also make sure your doctor doesn't work out of an alley behind a hotel that rents rooms by the hour. If his examination table is an old door resting on two garbage cans, you might want to check that AMA registry.

Last but not least - All you fat, sloppy, lazy chicks past 40 should be glad that Sylvia never went into politics, because you'd all be doing hard time right now:



So that's all Sylvia has for you this week. Go enjoy your sour milk and stale crumbs. And if you liked this post, hit the HB button at the bottom. Even if it's the only exercise you get all day, it helps me out, and it keeps me in gooseberries.

Hey! I turned a million today. Whoo hoo!


*clabbered milk doesn't actually sound horrible. Apparently the clabbering process only works with unpasteurized milk, but I'm still not eating it.

45 comments:

  1. First of all, congrats on the million! That is amazing!
    Second of all, that god I have good skin and nails. I wouldn't want to try that shit. You know, a multi-vitamin everyday works just as well and you don't have to boil or clabber anything, WTF??

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  2. Sylvia is great! (So is anything else you post, really, but she absolutely shines)

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  3. what happened to the full rss feed? I only got a small part for this post and had to click through :( hope it's a mistake and you turn full feeds back on!

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  4. Its the OKRA I've been missing! I knew it must be something. Thanks Sylvia and JV.

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  5. Please don't ever stop doing Sylvia! Is there a picture of her?
    I got some exercise by giving you a smiley!
    It's easier than the dancing thing.

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  6. Ahhh, so that explains why my nails are flaky and look like shit. All this time I've been eating THICKLY cut beets, and not THINLY cut beets. That Sylvia, she's a lifesaver.

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  7. Congrats on the million. I enjoy reading Sylvia, but her advice is mostly crap from her imagination.

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  8. I love these posts- would not try any of this unless hell froze over, but I love hearing her crazy ideas.

    congrats on the million!

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  9. I'm going to air my delicate skin now.

    Will is scare the neighbors? Perhaps.

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  10. Sylvia confirms in this weeks installment, she is indeed a perv and a sadist.

    Clabbered milk? No wonder Sylvia has the man hands. It is from griping the toilet seat whilst retching.

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  11. congrats on hitting 1 million. i haven't even broken 10K.

    also, i'm glad we finally see sylvia is full of caca. makes me feel a lot better about spending all that money on going under the knife.

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  12. I'm never going to get tired of Sundays with Sylvia. I'm hoping for a re-release. You would not believe how my skin tone has improved since following her advice!

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  13. David9:31 AM

    Sylvia is so right about slicing those beets very thin - it splits the molecules in the beets so they are more easily absorbed by the nails. Unfortunately for some, the nails turn red but that is a small price to pay for strong nails.

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  14. I love Sylvia. Unfortunately I won't be the one trying out the 27 glasses of skim milk, alternating with tomato/cherry/raspberry juice and then one nice acidy glass of grapefruit juice to curdle all that milk sloshing around in your stomach. No, I'm still trying to pull on my chin to see if that works.

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  15. Anonymous2:23 PM

    I'd a gotten a good whippin if my mama had caught me dancing around my room naked. Airing out my delicate skin? Girl, you better GET those clothes back on!

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  16. Aw, shit. I did too much of the heavy exercise Sylvia talks about and maybe that's why I'm built like a doorstop.
    That's what I get for preferring mule training over dancing.
    No rhythm and no boobs.

    I love how she concludes the book with what basically amounts to "fuck it and get plastic surgery!"

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  17. I'm lactose AND Fructos intolerant (Drinking that shit would turn my guts to goo). I've never had a cold shower, and I only went to a nudist camp once. I have great skin and nails. Tell Sylvia to stick that in her clabbered milk and drink it. Really, thanks for sharing. Women actaully followed this crap? Now I know why they didn't get the vote until 1920.

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  18. scandinavian food... heh... does sylvia mention lutefisk in there anywhere?

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  19. Anonymous6:09 PM

    I will never never get tired of Sundays with Sylvia. Her advice is priceless! The cracked nail advice confuses me the most. First she says to eat lots of fruits and veggies, then she says to eat a big ol bowl of sour milk with chunks of bread stirred up in it. These foods do not contain the same vitamins and minerals sooooo which is it Sylvia, fruits and veggies or rotten milk and bread?

    Also, the main point is to lose weight but then she says to drink 100 glasses of milk and juice. That's a whole hell of a lot of calories!! Plus she says to do it right during your period when you're already retaining fluids like a water buffalo. What is she trying to do to women?

    Lastly, prosecuting lazy women over 40? Lock me up and throw away the key!

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  20. Gooseberries are berries grown in Europe. They look like little watermelons and are VERY tart when eaten by themselves. Gooseberry Jam is VERY good, though (you can get it in import stores that sell British food).

    The only benefit I can see from soaking our skin in various berries/eating the crap she suggested is the vitamin c (antioxidant) and calcium. Now days, we have mass manufacturers that include all that in various creams.

    I wonder if she practiced what she preached? Can you imagine all the time she spent on herself slapping, soaking, showering, tugging, massaging...etc??? Did the woman ever sleep??? I wonder how old she was when she died?

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  21. Johnny, before 15 min lunch I didn't know about humor blogs. I have to say that I still don't know about them. After I first started reading your blog (via JC Penny) I stuck another toe into funny blogdom and looked for something--anything--as funny as you are, sir. Everything else is just goofy. Either the moms are hokey and blah or the shock jocks limp along with the puniest of genitalia humor.

    Subtlety is sublime. Timing is the rest. Thank you.

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  22. Mercy,thanks -- but I can whip out the puny genitalia just as well. Wait, that came out wrong...

    Lynndeepoo, Fructos sounds like some sort of fruit-flavored corn chip.

    Nicole, to paraphrase a big orange friend of mine, "It's Clabberin' Time!"

    storm, thanks.

    Ark, I want your ass here every Sunday. Don't be an RSS bitch. Actually, I screwed it up trying to change some settings. It should be back now.

    Steph - It's always the Okra. It's the sneakiest of vegetables.

    mommajean, there's pics of her in the previous 4 volumes. She's a looker.

    Kenju, don't diss it until you try it!

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  23. Ohhhh yumm clabbered milk and stale bread! what a treat. I wanted to try the goosberries but the goose kept flying away.

    Scrub your kids in a cold shower...make them run around clothesless...first thing in the morning??? Geez what a sweet heart. I wonder if she is related to Mommy Dearest.

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  24. Does she have anything to say about fixing the baggy eyes I'll have after having to get up every couple of hours to pee after drinking that much stuff?

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  25. Rickey has a natural distrust for all things Scandanavian.

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  26. soooo Mr. voting hog! lol u had to go and ruin it and piss Diesel off. now we can't vote numerous times for your funny blog! hehhe good going :P

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  27. Ahh scandinavian food the same folks that came up with lute fish.
    you take a good white fish soak it in acid for a while the dry it out ... ummmm

    but then when it negative 20 outside who really wants to head to the 7-11 for a big gulp and a dog.

    at that temp old bread and milk and dried out fish that are in the house will do

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  28. Sylvia can kinda be summed up as "If you can't pinch it off, shit it out!" Her theories pretty much swing like a pendulum between macerating your flesh or crapping yourself silly. The thing is, she's also kinda right!

    In short, her theories on beauty and wellness are now dealt with by high colonics and pricey massage therapies!

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  29. 1. Who is this other Steph? She even has my same initial!

    2. Remember earlier when she wanted adult women to slap their boobs while standing in front of a window, or something along those lines? The little kid thing is even creepier...I never would have guessed Sylvia was a pedophile!

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  30. Stephanie, have you learned NOTHING? Never slap the boob. You can sing to it, or sing about it, or laugh in front of a window to make them bigger, but never, ever slap them. Or massage them. Or look askance at them. Or look at them.

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  31. *clabbered milk does actually sound horrible.

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  32. Whoa, no quacks? Man, this is precisely the kind of advice I need to make seemingly common-sense decisions.

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  33. "Clabbered milk?"

    I'll settle for stumpy nails, thank you. On the other hand, if I followed her advice, I'd be thin as a rail from the constant vomiting.

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  34. phishstyx2:05 PM

    Most of the Scandinavian food I've heard of sounds like it was invented for a dare. There's a reason you don't see a lot of Norwegian restaurants.

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  35. Anonymous4:03 PM

    According to the Interwebs Buttermilk has the same taste and consistancy as clabbered milk. Still nasty.

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  36. That was awesome, I've clabbered some milk in my time, I think...As for plastic surgery go check out some of the celebrity disasters. Yeeesh!!!
    Maybe I'll just boil up the skim milk and add some tomato juice and smear it right on the kisser. That should work right. Eliminate the middleman, pardon the pun.

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  37. seriously, have you ever wondered why the vikings were raiding other countries? it was for the food, man. let me explain the principles of lutefisk: take dried salt cod. soak in water for five days. preferably in a bucket in the garage. then soak in lye for five days. then soak in water for another five days to leach out the lye so you don't die while eating it. serve lukewarm with melted butter. in essence, it's cod jello. my dad insists on making this every christmas. norwegians should not be allowed in kitchens. ever.

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  38. "It's like eating a bowl of baby vomit."

    You declare this with such a degree of certainty that I am afraid to ask for the source of your confidence.

    And I'll never get tired of Sylvia.

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  39. I especially like the line about "Don't just wish for a good skin". I can imagine the bucket going down the well, "Put the lotion on."

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  40. You're number 3! You're number 3!

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  41. these posts are hilarious. you've inspired me to take up collecting antique advice books. i wish i had this one! it's a riot.

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  42. I love your blog, but I am not crazy about the Sylvia postings. I think you are so funny and write well, I would rather hear from you. Sort of like a sub, in the classroom, vs. the regular teacher. I like you better! Best, Becs

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  43. I think Sylvia's last post will be this coming sunday, so bear with me.

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  44. She's right. These muscles ARE hard to get off.

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  45. Anonymous11:29 PM

    Back when Sylvia wrote this, milk was largely unpasteurized and so still edible as it fermented

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