Sundays With Sylvia: Volume V

I don't know if you guys are getting sick of hearing from Sylvia or not, but this edition of SWS marks the end of "No More Alibis" - as far as I'm concerned anyway. But don't worry, because there's plenty more Sylvia in the even funnier addendum book entitled, "Pull Yourself Together, Baby!"

Today we will go to Sylvia for the answer to that age-old question: WTF is up with my skin?

This is a little weird, and I would love for someone to try it and let me know if it works. I would try it myself, except, for reasons that will become obvious shortly, I cannot. Here's how Sylvia guarantees you beautiful skin. For your own sake, and the sake of those around you, I hope you are not lactose intolerant:



That's a lot of milk. As far as the rest goes, maybe it's because I'm a guy, but that seems like a lot of effort to me. I would probably go with the tomato juice. My reasoning is this: If it's just as effective, it would seem to involve a shitload less boiling, draining and slow fire-making. I especially like the way she just sort of...breezes past the substitution. It's like your mechanic telling you "If you can't get gas for your car, you can use liquified chicken fat. You want me to check your oil?" The whole menstrual thing sounds like voodoo to me and I am surprised that she doesn't require you to drink your grapefruit juice at midnight with the light of a full moon shining on your face, but I guess doing it when you have your period is enough to make it work.

She also says that you can tell something is missing in your diet by looking at your nails. If they are weak, or flaking, you aren't eating something you need. I'll give her that much, and even though I've never heard of gooseberries, the rest of the stuff sounds pretty wholesome and good for you. I was with her right up until the end. At the end, she made me gag a little:



Sour, clumpy milk and stale breadcrumbs?* I'm sorry, but adding a little brown sugar to that is NOT going to make it any more palatable. And to all the Scandinavians reading this, what the fuck? That's disgusting. It's like eating a bowl of baby vomit. If it's all the same to you, please keep the rest of your recipes to yourself, thank you very much.

Sylvia jumps around a little bit toward the end, and drops little nuggets of wisdom in the oddest places. In fact, right after she tells you how to keep your skin looking young, that must have kicked off a bout of wishful thinking, because she goes off into an exercise and diet plan for young girls. I'm glad to see the turkish towel makes another appearance:



If you child likes cold showers? Granted, I was a boy child, but at no time do I recall ever liking cold showers. She's big on the dancing, too. In fact, you parents with daughters need to pay close attention to the next bit, because it's vitally important:



At least she doesn't require them to dance in front of an open window, although I'm sure all the young boys in the neighborhood would be very appreciative.

And here we get to the meat of Sylvia's secret. It's not about drinking sour milk, and it's not about slapping off your fat or drinking grapefruit juice at midnight when you have your period.

Her secret is simple. Plastic Surgery!



So there you have it. Screw the exercise and the diet, just have it all fixed with the knife. That being said, it's very important to remember one thing: Don't have a quack. Also make sure your doctor doesn't work out of an alley behind a hotel that rents rooms by the hour. If his examination table is an old door resting on two garbage cans, you might want to check that AMA registry.

Last but not least - All you fat, sloppy, lazy chicks past 40 should be glad that Sylvia never went into politics, because you'd all be doing hard time right now:



So that's all Sylvia has for you this week. Go enjoy your sour milk and stale crumbs. And if you liked this post, hit the HB button at the bottom. Even if it's the only exercise you get all day, it helps me out, and it keeps me in gooseberries.

Hey! I turned a million today. Whoo hoo!


*clabbered milk doesn't actually sound horrible. Apparently the clabbering process only works with unpasteurized milk, but I'm still not eating it.