CBH - Live! at the House of Blues.

Sometimes when I am searching for pictures on the web for particular blog posts, I will stumble on something completely different. With "safe search off," the resulting picture can be so disturbing that it defies description, and of course from that moment on I will obsess about ways to describe it.

During my last foray out into the world of Google, here's what I discovered. It turns out there's these things called "reborn dolls" which are, without a doubt, among the creepiest fucking things I've ever seen. Go search Google for "reborn dolls." I'll wait.

Hi. Welcome back. I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking:

(a) Holy shit!
(b) There is no effing way that's not a real baby.
(c) Is that a fake booger? No, I think it's just something on the picture.
(d) How do I convert pounds to dollars again? Is it twice as much or half as much? Goddammit I hate math.
(e) I love google.
(f) Someone paid over four thousand dollars for that?
(g) No, I'm pretty sure it IS a fake booger.
(h) Holy shit!

I build furniture, and intricate work fascinates me, so I can completely appreciate the amount of sheer amazingness involved here, but tell me I'm not alone in thinking this is one tiny step away from some sort of horrifying baby taxidermy. I realize there are some weird hobbies out there, but for the love of all that is holy, please stop stuffing babies.

Also, I can almost guarantee that the type of person who would buy such a thing is completely incapable of buying just one. No, this type of person will have a house full of these fake babies, in all manner of poses, reclining around the house in strategic places, all designed to provide maximum viewing potential at all times.

I find the mere thought of that to be so creepy that I probably won't sleep tonight.

There is no way you can look at this doll and not be absolutely positive there is a factory somewhere in China with a stack of cloned babies, a vat of quick-drying latex, and a bunch of cardboard boxes with "Fragile: USA" stamped on the side.

All creepiness aside, I will be the first to admit that if they didn't cost 4 grand, one of these bad boys could come in handy. In fact, I was just telling someone at work the other day that if I ever get laid off from my current job and manage to find another, this time I am going to plan ahead. Before my first day, I'm hitting Target and buying some frames, preferably ones with pictures of kids already in them. Then I will put them on my desk and lie my ass off.

Yes, I will pretend to have kids, because -- let's face it -- based on all available evidence, kids are an incredible excuse to either stay home from work, or leave work early. Having one of these dolls would allow you to create some really convincing photo ops, is all I'm saying. Eventually people would probably wonder why your kid wasn't growing and was always asleep in your pictures and then social services would get involved and it wouldn't end well for anyone, but until that happened, you'd be on easy street.

"I have to leave early to pick up my kid from daycare."
"I can't come in today because my kid has strep throat."
"I'm going to be late. My kid shoved something up his nose again."
"Yeah, I won't be in the office for a few days, my kid's paint is flaking off."

There's a million variations on this theme, and I've seen them all in use, with the possible exception of that last one. (As an aside, I am also thinking about taking up smoking, or at least taking up standing outside and holding a cigarette, because from what I can see these folks get about 15 minutes out of every hour off, and who couldn't use that?)

I know, I know -- I dream big, but the simple fact remains that I would be my own worst enemy, and my charade would probably last about three days because even as I write this I am thinking "Man, if they didn't cost 4 grand, I would totally have one riding shotgun on my ski rack right now."

So to make a long post longer, since I'm in a hotel room in Scranton trying to digest a filet that was (coincidentally) the size of a small child, let me tell you how I found out about these bizarre creations.

I can't even remember what image search I did that turned up this picture, but it definitely didn't have anything to do with what you're all probably thinking:



Upon seeing it, I became curious as to what sort of android creature they were building, and found myself on a site that detailed how you, too, can stuff babies for fun and profit.

Let me warn you, some of these pictures may scar you for the rest of your life -- or at least for the rest of this post.

First, to root the fake hair, you apparently must jab the baby-thing in the head with a giant needle, thusly:

When you are half-way done, you will have this demon-monk baby head:

Don't stare at it too long, or you will be forced to do its evil bidding, and I am not even kidding. (Between you and me, I think I may have killed a drifter earlier.)

Apparently, they are also totally customizable. If you don't like the color of the eyes, you can change them. Take little Mr. Blue Eyes here:

Obviously, the first horrifying thing you do is cut out the existing eyes.

I am still having nightmares where I wake up and that disembodied head is floating above my bed making a noise that sounds like "pshwwwsshwwwwhhhwwwwssssshssssshshshsssswwww."

Then, after you calm down and pop a Xanax or three, you simply goop up the replacement eyes and jam them in:

Voila! Your very own Creepy Baby Head:

I'm not even going to get into describing what a bag full of arms and legs looks like, but if you're interested in this particularly disturbing art form, you can get most of your natal appendage needs met here -- the site from which these pictures were shamelessly stolen.

Enjoy your night. If you can.

ps - My next band is totally going to be called CreepyBabyHead.