2/3/08

I hate what used to be German food.

I haven't written about the geekfest conference yet, because nothing really bad happened, unless you consider getting drunk on sake and singing karaoke in a Japanese restaurant really bad. Oh, and my singing. My singing was really bad.

Usually, at least one gross thing happens to me when I am at any sort of conference. One year, it was the stall-vomiting incident, another year it was the rotten feet, last year it was the serial snot-snorter. This year it was the second-hand fart. You would think that would be better than a first-hand fart, but you'd be wrong. I'm not exactly sure why, but it just is. Take my word for it.

If you don't know much about Lotusphere, understand one thing. It's huge. There are anywhere from 8000 to 10,000 people in attendance, and there are technical sessions from 7am to 6pm every day for 5 days. The conference rooms are set up with row upon row of padded chairs, usually with a center aisle and two side aisles. The seats are jammed together so you are pretty much shoulder-to-shoulder with the guy (or girl) next to you. You would think that this close proximity would make people more deodorant and chewing gum conscious, but no. (Also, skinny white dude with the dreadlocks that reach the center of your back -- wash that shit. You smell like old socks dipped in sour milk.)

Anyway, the pattern of seat occupancy is generally this -- the seats on the outside aisles go first, then the seats on the inside aisles. Then the back rows. Since there is very little time between sessions in some cases, the goal, for me at least, is to shoot for the easy exit. So I got into the habit of just going to the back row and pulling a chair out of formation and sitting on it. It was a win-win. I didn't have to touch shoulders with the guys next to me, and I could split whenever it was necessary.

So with that background planted firmly in your minds, here's my gross tale for this year's conference. I was sitting in the back row in my pulled-out chair, just minding my own business and taking copious notes (my boss might be reading this) when the 2 large coffees I had after lunch started to work their magic. I put my notebook down, put my far-away-seeing geek glasses on top of the notebook and got up to go to the bathroom.

I was gone maybe 5 minutes total, and when I came back in, there was some dude sitting in my seat. My glasses and notebook were on the floor.

I leaned over and said, "You're in my seat." He looked at me, and said something in what I think was German. I pointed at the chair and said, "I just had to use the men's room. I was sitting there." He finally understood what I was getting at, and stood up to go somewhere else. I picked my notebook and glasses from the floor, and sat down. This was unfortunate. I have no way of confirming this, but I believe what he initially said to me in German was "Trust me. You don't want your chair back right now."

Why? Because German dude left me a present. The second my ass hit the seat, I was instantly surrounded by a very foul, very fresh German fart that had been, until very recently, buried deeply in the chair. It was horrible. I stood up so fast you would have thought there was a hot coal under my ass. I think I actually would have preferred that, now that I mentioned it.

That marked the end of "60 Admin Tips in 60 Minutes" for me, because "60 Admin Tips and One Fart in 48 Minutes" was already more than I had signed up for.

In case you were wondering, the song I butchered the shit out of was Sister Golden Hair by America.


feed: humor-blogs.com

33 comments:

  1. I don't believe you!! You were singing karoake in a japanese restaurant? I think I am going to need to see proof in the form of a video.

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  2. Also, skinny white dude with the dreadlocks that reach the center of your back -- wash that shit. You smell like old socks dipped in sour milk."-No kidding! Get a haircut and wash! Damn. (Shudder)

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  3. BTW, I have to sing everytime I hear that song too.
    Love the doo wops. I am a horrible singer, no karoake though, just car singing.

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  4. ew.
    secondhand farts?
    lol.
    that is disgusting.
    but something that is hilarious
    when happened to someone else.

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  5. I find your pain deeply amusing! You picked a hard song to karaoke, the guy that sings that song doesn't even sound good.

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  6. Were you singing SGH to the dreadlock dude?

    You can't really blame the German guy - that food just makes you fart. No control whatsoever. Just sayin'.

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  7. Is that why buying used BMW's are a risk?

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  8. For years I've been considering selling chair cushions for office furniture made with a built-in charcoal filtering pad. I know I've personally done some horrific things to my desk chair at work, and I'd much rather be able to violate the chair without gagging the people in cubes around me.

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  9. Jeff, you're too late.

    http://www.flat-d.com/chairpadblack.html

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  10. Right on Johnny! He str8 crop dusted on you that is the best. If I worked in an office I would do that a lot, actually when we are stuck in a brief its common courtesy to crop dust and try to get the guy talking to hurry the hell up and finish. Hells ya!!! Did it smell worse then dread locks?

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  11. Gasp! You butchered my favorite song EVER? There's a special place in hell for people like you, JV. But maybe you'll get time served for the second-hand fart thing.

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  12. Your title should have been "I hate the gaseous remains of German food"

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  13. Claire, is that title better?

    Grunt, I always feel embarrassed when I write about little stuff like a drive-by fart when I know that in addition to putting your lives on the line every day, you guys have to smell burning barrels of shit and raw sewage on a regular basis over there. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate what you guys do.

    Badger, it's one of my favorite oldies too. I hope Gerry Beckley will forgive what I did to his song.

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  14. I hate snot-snorters. I want to throttle them in class or pull an SBD.

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  15. Next time you should probably go with "A Horse With No Name" or "Ventura Highway".

    I do pretty good with either of these. When I'm in my car. While nobody else is there to listen. With the volume turned up all the way so I can't hear myself.

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  16. To heck with the karaoke video, I'd rather see the video of Johnny hopping off his chair at lightning speed! In high school they used to call it "SBV" when somebody dropped one like that ... "silent but violent".

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  17. kristina12:00 PM

    Not sure if subtlety or blatancy is best in these situations. Having dinner with my dad is such a treat - in the middle of a meal, he will lift up one side of his arse from the chair and let one go... a very loud and raunchy bomb. Not a word. Just a big smile. Ugh!!

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  18. I had a snot-snorter sitting across from me at the old building and I wanted to throttle him. I would turn my headphones up high not to hear him. So utterly disgusting. Then there was the day he clipped his nails for a good 30 minutes! I had to leave my desk.

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  19. Anonymous12:43 PM

    I shop in a crowded discount grocery store that is frequented by large families of rude unruly kids/teens. They seem to hover around the parental grocery cart and steam-roll anyyone in their way. One time I was quietly trying to price a popular item and said family tried to intiminate me to move. Timing was everying thing. I wasn't planning on it but I left my boquette with them and laughed all the way to the dish soap. Nothing like a little revenge on rude families. Share the love!

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  20. I can no longer read your blog while I'm at work as I am running out of excuses as to why I am laughing. No matter how hard I try to cover my mouth with my hand as I read all I end up doing is making my laugh sound demented which is even more difficult to explain. I have discovered that if I hold my breath and pinch my lips shut I can keep it down to a low snort.

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  21. I dunno, I always liked the smell of sausage and kraut. :P

    yeah I know, eeww ugggh arrggh....etc.

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  22. And I though you were the type to sing "Roxanne."

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  23. oh wow.. i thought "warm" seats were kind of gross.. but a farted one.. ew hahaha i feel your pain.

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  24. Nice post. My 19 month old son who is sitting on my lap farted right when I reached the end of your post.

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  25. "I was instantly surrounded by a very foul, very fresh German fart."

    Great visual.

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  26. Joe, I wish this story could be scratch and sniff.

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  27. I came over from Pos's blog and oh my, am glad I did. Great laugh at the end of this post!

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  28. Bratwurst has got a lot to answer for.

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  29. you are truly a new highlight in my days. I laugh until my sides ache and my rib cage is bruised and tender.

    Secondhand farts are no laughing matter. There is a serious epidemic in our nation of people who are irresponsible with their gaseous expulsions. Save a nose, educate a friend, fight errant farts.

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  30. noooo that is SOO gross. eww, it's in the threads of your pants, now.

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  31. Singing any of America's songs is a challenge, whether it be Sister Golden Hair, Daisy Jane or Ventura Highway.

    I love them all, though

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  32. I think I just died laughing.

    THANKS!

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  33. I had a gross moment when I attended DragonCon last August. On Saturday getting onto an elevator is sheer hell. We get on one and as the elevator voice starts scolding us that we were over the maximum weight allowed a fat chick* crammed herself facefirst into us as the door shut. Not only was a squicked out because her boob was smashed against the back of my hand (I had nowhere to move to get the hell away from her) but she also smelled like she was allergic to basic hygiene. I glared at her for the whopping TWO FLOORS she rode the elevator. Stupid cow.

    *I am also a fat chick so I can say that.

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