Get it togetha, baby.
Don't get me wrong, I do think Wanda Sykes can be funny. But those Applebees commercials drive me bat-shit insane. I can't even imagine the truckloads of cash they must have offered her to get her to become the official voice of the Black Apple. I know that sounds like the name of a new superhero, but trust me, it's not. It's just a talking apple. With no face. With no... anything really. Oh, a hat. I think it has a hat now.
But all winter-wear aside, it's just an apple. That's it.
The sheer un-brilliance of this idea just boggles my mind. I can't believe someone from a supposedly high-ticket ad agency pitched it, and I can't believe someone at Applebees signed off on it.
I know you could use the argument "Hey, if you had a talking apple, you wouldn't be saying "Oh, it's just a talking apple, no big deal" and you'd be right. If I actually had a talking apple in my posession, it wouldn't take me long to parlay that into becoming rich beyond my wildest dreams. Unless of course it sounded like Wanda. Then I would just be moderately well-to-do, because talking apple or not, nobody can actually listen to her voice for any length of time without being driven to a homicidal rage. It sounds like a power saw cutting sheet metal. The same holds true for Rosie Perez and Fran Drescher, now that I think about it.
It really doesn't do much either. I guess that's fair, since it has no appendages to speak of. It just sort of....bounces around slightly in one place while it tells you what to do.
Also, I'm not sure what sort of apple-y orifice it actually uses to speak, but I think it's safe to assume that it's not being done telepathically, because I don't think Wanda wouldn't go for that. I am pretty sure that no matter how big the payoff, she would draw the line at mind-voicing telepathic restaurant-chain apples. That's all speculation on my part, of course. I could be wrong.
I'd still like to see the version of the commercial where the guy being berated by the black apple finally has enough, and he scoops it up and takes a giant bite out of it right at the table. Then, while his wife and children look on in horror, he continues to eat it until the screaming stops.
I guess it's pretty obvious why my career in advertising didn't work out.
Bonus question of the day: I've recently been approached by a company that wants to pay me a small amount of money to run a series of short, humorous videos on my blog. I've only seen the first one, and it wasn't horrible. They assure me that the rest are funnier. There's nine of them in total, and if I agree, they'd be run twice a week for a month. I am currently weighing what's left of my blogger integrity against the offer of cold hard cash, and unbelievably, I'm still undecided. One day I lean toward becoming a professional whore -- mostly because my roof is leaking -- but on other days I think that I don't particularly enjoy videos on blogs. There is also the possibility that the videos may actually turn out to be funny. Let me know your two cents.