4/4/05

Brush with Disaster

I want to know what the hell is up with these people who brush and/or floss their teeth in the bathroom at work. It seems like every time I go in there, there's some dude foaming at the mouth and spitting all over the sink.

So to all you bathroom brushers out there -- I realize that your mom told you to brush after every meal, but unless she's going to be stopping by your office at 1:30 to conduct a surprise tartar inspection, you can probably get away with just brushing two or three times a day. Try this schedule on for size: Brush once when you wake up in the morning, again when you get home, then once more after dinner or before bed. That way you will bypass the whole 'carrying your toothbrush and toothpaste to work in your pocket' thing. They make sugarless gum for a reason.

If you are going to continue with this behavior, I have a few requests. Number one, I'd appreciate it if you can get your shit together and figure out how to rinse your bright orange cheetoh chunks out of the sink when you're done. Number two, ditto on the drain loogie. Number three, I don't really enjoy looking at the meaty floss nuggets you catapulted onto the mirror. You might want to consider taking a few steps back, or -- hey! here's a thought! -- waiting until you get the fuck home.

Personally, I wouldn't want my toothbrush within 50 yards of this bathroom. I saw one guy put his toothbrush down on the little metal shelf under the paper towels and then go take a piss. He had to have seen this shelf, right? And he still went ahead and put his toothbrush down on it. Once, I saw a styrofoam coffee cup sitting on it and I'm pretty sure I saw it move. The only explanation for this movement is that the bacteria on this shelf actually started carrying it away.

By the way, when the bristles are out at 90 degrees like that, you need a new toothbrush. Also, you're brushing too hard. You're irritating the shit out of your gums. And me.

13 comments:

  1. Of all the weird things I've seen or experienced in my bathroom at work, I'm really surprised I haven't seen someone brush their teeth. I agree with you, it's absolutely disgusting!

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  2. Amen, brother. Our bathroom at X is borderline 3rd World, and I see coworkers in there hacking away with pointy instruments and sonicare-ing away like there's no tomorrow. I admit, i have an emergency brush, but it's only if i'm suddenly called to speak to the Board, or if Charlize Theron shows up at my cube wearing only sheer stockings, a cute hat and a come hither look.

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  3. Yeah, I admit that sometimes it has to be done. Late in the day dentist appointment, Charlize Theron, etc. But for god's sake, clean up after yourselves.

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  4. Eww and then there's the whole tooth snot stuff that lands on the mirror when some people floss!

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  5. Oh sorry, I missed that part but see it now- meaty floss nuggets. Nice.

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  6. Oh just great. Now you've managed to conjure up the memory of gum blood I saw in a sink at my old job after some ditz apparently weed-wacked her teeth. Swell.
    They make these handy new disposable toothbrush things (foam pad with dried mouthwash on them). They're comparatively cheap (compared to getting your jaw punched out by someone you've just pissed off when you leave mouth dung in the basin)
    Hopefully they'll catch on for all the office-brushers.

    Carol

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  7. That commercial for those mouthwash covered minpads really disturbs me!

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  8. I just spend the last 7 hours (minus a dinner break) laughing my ass off. I'm positive my coworkers now think I'm epileptic or have Tourette's, and the spittle mark on the inside of my elbow where I was trying to muffle laughs didn't help matters. Keep it up! You've been amazingly prolific in the the few short months you've been writing here. FWIW, you've gained another reader!

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  9. eeww drain loogie!
    At my last job that was encouraged because I was an orthodontists assistant. I was grateful to people who brushed at their work before getting to mine. ;)

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  10. I brush and floss at work. Apparently, I'm one sick fucking bastard. I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you.

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  11. as long as you clean up after yourself, I'm good wtih that.

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  12. Amanda of daintilyfrosted.com11:42 AM

    I fully support workplace teethbrushing. That being said, I would also fully support most of my co-workers being forced to attend in Remedial Toiletting Class, since being fast and loose with the toothpaste froth is the least of their ladies room shortcomings. I save my "hygiene hatred" for the three lawyers with adjoining offices across from my desk, who clip their nails while they browse my case files.

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  13. I have got to stop reading your stuff while I eat supper. Either the food comes out my nose while I'm snorting with laughter, or I throw up a little in my mouth because your descriptions are so dead-on. This post has the advantage of both things happening. Not pretty.

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