First off, this made me laugh, even if it is just a typo:
NEW YORK (AP) - Bon Jovi will perform a free concert July 12 in Central Park. It's billed as a prelude to the July 15 All-Star baseball game, which will highlight the final season at Yankee Stadium. Mayor Michael Bloomberg said Jovi will help ensure it goes out in a blaze of glory, hopefully a blaze in late October at the World Series.
I'm not sure what's funnier -- Mayor Bloomberg thinking that the guy's last name is Jovi, or that his first name is actually Bon.
In other news, I met someone new, and her name is Sylvia. Sylvia of Hollywood, that is. (Not to be confused with Sylvia of North Jersey.) My wife was cleaning out her grandmother's desk, and stumbled on this book:
To really appreciate this book, you have not only read it, but FEEL it. It has a fuzzy, velvety flocked cover, and it is awesome both inside and out.
Sylvia, as it turns out, was the 1930's equivalent of the 1980's equivalent of Jane Fonda. But in this case it's not all about the diet and exercise, although I think in some respects Sylvia was ahead of her time -- she also gets into some pretty hilarious body-shaping quackery that had me reading this book aloud to my wife at 2 am.
Not only does she give advice on how to reduce if you are fat, she also gives advice on how to get fatter if you are too thin. Want bigger boobs? Smaller ones? Sylvia can help. If you'd like a smaller nose, or a more pronounced chin, she can do that too. And why does she do this? Because Sylvia knows you wish your girlfriend was hot like her:
And by god, she will work your ass until you toe the line.
There is way too much good stuff in this book to do it justice in a single blog post, so from today until whenever I run out of Sylvia, I will be hosting
Sundays with Sylvia -- Because You Suck.
Every Sunday, I will offer up a Sylvia post. To give you a non-Sunday taste of her awesomeness, I now present you with her method for spot reduction:
And here is Photo 3, just because I care.
Apparently, squeezing fat cells right off you gives you ginormous man-hands, so you ladies should watch out for that.
Additionally, I have to take exception to the "never squeeze or massage the breasts" thing. I think she needs to qualify that statement because there is a right time for squeezing and massaging the breasts, although if you ask my wife she will no doubt tell you that I have no idea when that time actually is. Also, I think the mashed potato analogy was a stretch, unless squeezing handfuls of mashed potatoes was a big fad back then, like wearing an onion on your belt.
And while we're on the subject, I want to know where the squeezed off fat cells go. She's squeezing them off, right? They have to go somewhere. I'm thinking maybe they go into the towel, or maybe into the hand cream, but that sounds pretty gross so maybe they just dissolve into thin air.
I'm a little skeptical about this whole theory of hers. For some reason, I find it hard to believe that covering your fat with a hot towel and then beating the shit out of it is going to help you much on your long road to a better you. Tell you what -- all you fat babies out there (one of her terms) give it a shot and let me know how you make out. I'll listen for the slapping.
I'll be looking forward to spending my Sundays with Sylvia, and you should, too. Besides, prime-time TV is all reruns right now anyway so what else do you have to do?
Also, every click here is a vote for original humor. (And keep in mind that, at least in my case, original doesn't always mean good.) Sylvia would want you to click. And you should always do what Sylvia says.
So go slap your fat.