7/1/08

Jovi Rocks. As does Sylvia.

First off, this made me laugh, even if it is just a typo:

NEW YORK (AP) - Bon Jovi will perform a free concert July 12 in Central Park. It's billed as a prelude to the July 15 All-Star baseball game, which will highlight the final season at Yankee Stadium. Mayor Michael Bloomberg said Jovi will help ensure it goes out in a blaze of glory, hopefully a blaze in late October at the World Series.

I'm not sure what's funnier -- Mayor Bloomberg thinking that the guy's last name is Jovi, or that his first name is actually Bon.

In other news, I met someone new, and her name is Sylvia. Sylvia of Hollywood, that is. (Not to be confused with Sylvia of North Jersey.) My wife was cleaning out her grandmother's desk, and stumbled on this book:



To really appreciate this book, you have not only read it, but FEEL it. It has a fuzzy, velvety flocked cover, and it is awesome both inside and out.

Sylvia, as it turns out, was the 1930's equivalent of the 1980's equivalent of Jane Fonda. But in this case it's not all about the diet and exercise, although I think in some respects Sylvia was ahead of her time -- she also gets into some pretty hilarious body-shaping quackery that had me reading this book aloud to my wife at 2 am.

Not only does she give advice on how to reduce if you are fat, she also gives advice on how to get fatter if you are too thin. Want bigger boobs? Smaller ones? Sylvia can help. If you'd like a smaller nose, or a more pronounced chin, she can do that too. And why does she do this? Because Sylvia knows you wish your girlfriend was hot like her:



And by god, she will work your ass until you toe the line.

There is way too much good stuff in this book to do it justice in a single blog post, so from today until whenever I run out of Sylvia, I will be hosting

Sundays with Sylvia -- Because You Suck.


Every Sunday, I will offer up a Sylvia post. To give you a non-Sunday taste of her awesomeness, I now present you with her method for spot reduction:



And here is Photo 3, just because I care.



Apparently, squeezing fat cells right off you gives you ginormous man-hands, so you ladies should watch out for that.

Additionally, I have to take exception to the "never squeeze or massage the breasts" thing. I think she needs to qualify that statement because there is a right time for squeezing and massaging the breasts, although if you ask my wife she will no doubt tell you that I have no idea when that time actually is. Also, I think the mashed potato analogy was a stretch, unless squeezing handfuls of mashed potatoes was a big fad back then, like wearing an onion on your belt.

And while we're on the subject, I want to know where the squeezed off fat cells go. She's squeezing them off, right? They have to go somewhere. I'm thinking maybe they go into the towel, or maybe into the hand cream, but that sounds pretty gross so maybe they just dissolve into thin air.

I'm a little skeptical about this whole theory of hers. For some reason, I find it hard to believe that covering your fat with a hot towel and then beating the shit out of it is going to help you much on your long road to a better you. Tell you what -- all you fat babies out there (one of her terms) give it a shot and let me know how you make out. I'll listen for the slapping.

I'll be looking forward to spending my Sundays with Sylvia, and you should, too. Besides, prime-time TV is all reruns right now anyway so what else do you have to do?

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Also, every click here is a vote for original humor. (And keep in mind that, at least in my case, original doesn't always mean good.) Sylvia would want you to click. And you should always do what Sylvia says.

So go slap your fat.

44 comments:

  1. I think you underestimate what a chick is willing to attempt to get rid of fat.

    I'm off to squeeze and slap the mashed potato belly. I'll be tuning in on Sundays for other tips I can't find at the grocery store check out line.

    *creepy - 'vFATjff' is my verification word. Coincidence? I think not.*

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  2. Is this for real, JV?? Cause holy crap, that is about the dumbest weight loss advice I have ever heard...and I have heard a lot.

    PS, Did I ever tell you that in 1988 I had planned on marrying Jon Bon Jovi. Really!! I had it all planned out!

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  3. That isn't a young picture of the 'Rapper's Delight' lady from The Wedding Singer, is it?


    Is it??

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  4. I bet Sylvia was a little sex pistol!

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  5. omg ... lol. If only it were that easy ... and weird.

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  6. Note - If your body has the consistency of mashed potatoes, seek medical advice immediately.

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  7. her theory has almost as many holes as the teachings of the latter-day saints.

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  8. Oh...she's just about sexy, isn't she? She kind of looks like an old, manish looking Courtney Love (without all the plastic). This "fat baby" will be mashing her fat right before bed tonight. That should be a wonderful turn on for my husband.

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  9. Holy smokes that is so funny.
    Im loving sylvia already.

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  10. JV, you have to live in the 1930s for this to work...

    Being mildly deluded helps too!

    I look forward to the coming Sundays!

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  11. If it weren't for the fact that he would have been between 5 and 15 years old, I'd swear that was Tony Curtis in drag.

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  12. You know what's tragic? Rickey's fiance (being a native jersey girl) will be in attendance for the free bon jovi concert in the park. Fortunately, Rickey will be out of the state that weekend...

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  13. sylvia is a sly dog. notice she says, "this squeezing AND the exercises i gave you..."

    p.s. jane fonda is the devil.

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  14. You've just given me yet another fabulous line to use on people who piss me off:

    "Aw why doncha just go pound your fat"

    Oh wait. um. Nevermind. That might not work too well.

    Hellllp! Where's Sylvia when ya need her ??!!??

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  15. The really funny thing is, I was thinking man-hands...and then boom! There is it in print.

    Weird.

    Looking forward to much more Syliva.

    (why am I all of the sudden craving mashed potatoes while simultaniously feeling compulsed to massage and slap something...hmmm)

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  16. FINALLY....I've found a use for all those "turkish towels" in the basement.

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  17. I was gonna comment on the "never squeeze or massage the breasts" admonition myself, but I was afraid it would get me beaten into mashed potatoes by chicks with ginormous man-hands. So I'm glad you did it for me.

    But I think maybe Sylvia's secret wasn't really about squeezing and slapping the fat off of ya. Depending on the number of photographic plates in the book, her goal might have actually been to scare it off! (Cause she be one scarifyin' creature!)

    Stranger than fiction...

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  18. "Never squeeze or slap the abdomen"?! That's where I need it the most! Thanks for nothing, Sylvia. Although, it would be funny to see someone aqueezing and slapping their butt as a cool-down at the gym.

    Have you ever noticed how some of your best blogging material (other than your childhood stories) comes from your wife's family? First the JC Penney book, now Sylvia.

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  19. CrazyDaisyDuke1:32 PM

    I'm so confused. I do have a good figure except for the spare tire around my waist. But my waist happens to be in my abdominal region. So I need to squeeze and slap it, but she already said NEVER squeeze and slap the abdomen. I'll be checking on Sunday for clues and/or clarification!

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  20. Actually they still use this method on cellulite! It's called cellulite "massage" but it's brutal and amounts to the same thing as squeezing your fat. And believe it or not, it DOES smooth things out.
    They even have evil mechanical pinch and rolling devices for the job. Not like the 'ol pinch n' roll which men can't seem to stop doing in public, but pinching and rolling as in the flesh is sucked up between two rollers run along the thighs. ARGH!
    I suppose it's worth the agony though.

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  21. kristina3:18 PM

    Funny. Whenever I see someone call you "JV", I always think "Jovi" - you are such a rock star!!

    Does Sylvia have any tips for fat boobies? Since you aren't allowed to squeeze or massage them...

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  22. oh yes. yes, she does. Just you wait.

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  23. That woman looks scary?!

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  24. dear baby jesus.

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  25. The other great quote from Bloomberg's press conference was when he said this was going to be the greatest free concert since Simon and Garfinkle played Central Park.

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  26. Sundays with Sylvia >>> church

    Saturdays are going to seem so much longer than they used to.

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  27. I was inspired to seek out these comics again.

    married to the sea

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  28. What about Manboobs? Can I squeeze those?

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  29. Anonymous8:52 AM

    Holy crap! So that's what happened to it. I guess it was all that squeezing and spanking. I'd better knock that off. Or is this technique only good for fat?

    Dave

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  30. Alisha9:34 AM

    lol at Dave...and at the entry because it brings me right back to my grandma and mom rubbing fat off of their asses with one of those belted machines....those were the days

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  31. this was hilarious! thanks for taking the time to share, pics and all :)

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  32. I was just noticing those freakish man hands when lo and behold you called it out. excellent delivery.

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  33. Anonymous12:42 PM

    My new goal in life is to squeeze, massage, pinch and slap myself silly till I to have the gorgeous figure that the lovely Sylvia has. She's a real sex kitten that one.

    My new reason for living is to read each new Sylvia Sunday post. Thanks for all the inspiration!

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  34. Anonymous12:52 PM

    Judging by those forearms Sylvia has been moonlighting as a mechanic, turning wrenches.

    Love your blog.

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  35. My first thought when I saw photograph 3 were: "Those are some ginormous man-hands!" I kid you not, I thought that OUT LOUD. And then I happened to scroll down and see that you had written exactly what I had thought. Talk about FREAKY-DEAKY!

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  36. From the looks of Sylvia tater tots, she found out about the horrors of squeezing the hard way.

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  37. Does Sylvia recommend this method for all the fat heads I know at work? I'm just asking because I'd be glad to pinch them and slap 'em around a bit...

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  38. kristina3:03 PM

    You know, the more I look at the first picture (labelled number 6), the more I think Sylvia is a dude, which would explain the ginormous man-hands and forearms...

    We need a picture of the calves and feet to be sure.

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  39. Damn brother where do you find these gems??? Your like the luckiest dude ever!!!!!!!! Whats up with that chicks hands they look my knuckle draggers.

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  40. it's sort of like she takes care of fat as a teenager would take care of a pimple. "Pop!"

    "Never slap or hit the abdomen."

    Rich words for life.

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  41. My grandma once tried to buy me a Lynnyrd Skynnyrd cd. She couldn't find one though. She said she looked under Skynnyrd at the Wal-Mart and there just wasn't anything there.

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  42. rogamer3:32 PM

    great post - Thanks for the Simpson's reference...

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  43. Ok, but did you see the popeye arms? Holy Crap, she could squeeze the fat off of you. I'm just going to take a stab that she can crack a walnut between her thighs too.

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