Sundays with Sylvia: Volume II

Out of all the things that could ruin your appearance, think of the worst thing. Angry boils all over your body? Or that freaky pigmentation thing Michael Jackson has going on? Or maybe instead of leaving it up to mother nature, you'd like to take a more active role in ruining your appearance, like this person:



I only said "person" because I wasn't sure if it was a guy or a girl. Anyway, all of these things are wrong.

In today's issue of Sundays with Sylvia, we're going to address the thing that can ruin your appearance most.

The Abdomen: It's nothing at all like Cowbell.



Interestingly, your abdomen can make you look like a bag. Let's get rid of it. First, Sylvia recommends a pretty decent exercise for toning your core muscles. You'll look pretty funny doing it, but it *does* work. I've seen it or variations of it in many workouts:



Then, in typical Sylvia fashion, she takes the fast train to crazy town:



Breaking down fatty tissues by having someone yank on you for five minutes? Call me crazy, but I am pretty sure this would be more of a workout for the yank-er than the yank-ee.

And remember, always stay relaxed. Otherwise, all bets are off. And of course, then we have the turkish towels and the slapping. I like how she gives you the option of doing it yourself if your helper is unable or unwilling to assist, like if your helper suddenly decided you were batshit crazy and she wasn't going to stick around to slap you anymore.

Throughout the book, she goes off on the weirdest tangents. For instance, right in the middle of this abdomen workout, she starts talking about anemia. By the way, if anyone out there is anemic, she advocates eating lots of liver, and boiling radish greens and spinach and drinking the juice. And if you happen to anemic and also fat, you can do this workout:



I am guessing that Sylvia would not like emo/goth kids at all, and I am pretty sure Marilyn Manson would give her a coronary. Also, most anemic people are crabby assholes.

She goes on to share her vast medical knowledge about anemia and how to best get the circulation going in your spine:



In fact, Friday night I was slapping my wife's spine and got a little carried away and started using a flat hand by mistake. However, after I held her down and scrubbed her raw with the towel, she did grudgingly admit she felt alive, almost sensationally so. I think she's still a little pissed though, because she's had a headache and a cough for the last two days.

And lastly, don't forget to wear proper footwear when you workout. Ankle support is very important:



Next time, maybe we'll talk about how to make your boobs bigger, and fix those bow-legs of yours.

------------------------------------------
If you liked this post, vote for it on humor-blogs where you might find another funny blog to read.