Sundays with Sylvia: Volume II

Out of all the things that could ruin your appearance, think of the worst thing. Angry boils all over your body? Or that freaky pigmentation thing Michael Jackson has going on? Or maybe instead of leaving it up to mother nature, you'd like to take a more active role in ruining your appearance, like this person:

I only said "person" because I wasn't sure if it was a guy or a girl. Anyway, all of these things are wrong.

In today's issue of Sundays with Sylvia, we're going to address the thing that can ruin your appearance most.

The Abdomen: It's nothing at all like Cowbell.

Interestingly, your abdomen can make you look like a bag. Let's get rid of it. First, Sylvia recommends a pretty decent exercise for toning your core muscles. You'll look pretty funny doing it, but it *does* work. I've seen it or variations of it in many workouts:

Then, in typical Sylvia fashion, she takes the fast train to crazy town:

Breaking down fatty tissues by having someone yank on you for five minutes? Call me crazy, but I am pretty sure this would be more of a workout for the yank-er than the yank-ee.

And remember, always stay relaxed. Otherwise, all bets are off. And of course, then we have the turkish towels and the slapping. I like how she gives you the option of doing it yourself if your helper is unable or unwilling to assist, like if your helper suddenly decided you were batshit crazy and she wasn't going to stick around to slap you anymore.

Throughout the book, she goes off on the weirdest tangents. For instance, right in the middle of this abdomen workout, she starts talking about anemia. By the way, if anyone out there is anemic, she advocates eating lots of liver, and boiling radish greens and spinach and drinking the juice. And if you happen to anemic and also fat, you can do this workout:

I am guessing that Sylvia would not like emo/goth kids at all, and I am pretty sure Marilyn Manson would give her a coronary. Also, most anemic people are crabby assholes.

She goes on to share her vast medical knowledge about anemia and how to best get the circulation going in your spine:

In fact, Friday night I was slapping my wife's spine and got a little carried away and started using a flat hand by mistake. However, after I held her down and scrubbed her raw with the towel, she did grudgingly admit she felt alive, almost sensationally so. I think she's still a little pissed though, because she's had a headache and a cough for the last two days.

And lastly, don't forget to wear proper footwear when you workout. Ankle support is very important:

Next time, maybe we'll talk about how to make your boobs bigger, and fix those bow-legs of yours.

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  1. Anonymous6:53 PM

    Holy cow - that Sylvia is a freak show in trousers. I wonder if she had to pay her helper?

    I have heard of that radish/spinish remedy, but it was for scurvy, not anemia. Nasty no matter what.

    I wonder if Sylvia was getting a kick-back from the Turkish towel industry for her endorsement?

  2. The freak show in the top picture is definitely wearing a turkish towel around his/her neck.

    If that's a dude, how does he shave???

  3. The freak at the begining made it hard to concentrate on Sylvia - What the hell? That is just wrong in soooo many ways.

  4. is sylvias last name de sade?

  5. Anonymous12:14 AM

    johnny, i've decided this book is a cover for freaky 1930s sadism/masochism and the marquis de sylvia is its mistress.

  6. Anonymous7:59 AM

    I can't wait til next Sunday! Is a turkish towel just a hot, wet towel?

  7. Anonymous10:42 AM

    This is so "grand"! :)

  8. I'm not even going to wait until I get home. I'm slapping myself silly in my office right now.

  9. all that slapping!LOL I picture Sylvia (a large german woman shapped like the terminator) in a black leather outfit and a whip. I don't know about you but...I'm scared...real scared.

  10. The person on the image is very distracting. And how would you like to be behind that going through the metal detector at the airport? Oy vey!

  11. hey! how did you get my picture! :) i'm a looker, huh?

    by the way, you have a very funny blog.

  12. That picture at the beginning literally frightened me for a moment. I thought it was an accident victim or something. That's the worst case of self-inflicted ugly-ation I've ever seen...

  13. I think that Sylvia is slapping some sense into you. My theory is that by posting that lovely picture, I will never have an appetite again. Presto, weight loss!

  14. Boy! Sylvia sure does have me pegged. Pasty white, with a flabby figure, and a nasty disposition.

    Gee, all this time I thought those were attractive qualities. Silly me.

    And all that poor circulation? That would be my three-heart-attack-scarred heart that isn't able to efficiently pump anymore, but damn skippy if I couldn't whoop anyone's ass at arm wrestling! I bet I could even get my blood racing by going a few rounds with Sylvia herself...ya know...if she weren't dead and all, already.

    Also, last time I checked, having a helper get my toes above my head usually gets my blood going anyway. This chick is absolutely the conductor of the crazy train...she also seems to be weirdly obsessed with Turkish towels. I can think of so many other things that make me feel alive...like say...oh I dunno...breathing maybe?

  15. Seriously, what is with all the slapping?? This woman is f'ed up.

  16. The pierced carney dude looks like he has a couple of hamburger (bagel sandwiche?) tats on his noggin. Anyone else see it that way or is it just getting close to lunch time?

    Actually, come to think of it, I might just skip lunch. Not only have I lost my appetite, but it'll cut down on all the spanking I'd need later. Those professional spankers are damned expensive, I've come to find out. Also, the nice lady I found on Craig's List was a little unprofessional. Not only was she rather rude and brusque (it seemed odd to refer to a paying customer as a "nasty little chicken head"), but she brought not a single turkish towel.

  17. Anonymous12:45 PM

    That person at the top is female - I conclude this based on the opinion that there are too many piercings in the area that most men shave, and too little stubble. Also, the eyes look more like a woman's than a man's ... though you certainly have to make an attempt to see them.
    As for Sylvia, she is probably female, but whether she's human is up for debate. Anyone who, per your original post, thinks we can just yank off lumps of fat is clearly not from the same race as the rest of us ... if we could do that, obesity would be cured!

  18. Anonymous2:35 PM

    No slapping about the spine with a flat hand, but the head and face are OK, right? Buttocks too?

    How does some else lifting your legs over to touch your feet to the ground behind your head help "invigorate" you?

    And what's with your helper helping you while you are lying in bed?

    Definitely an S&M book disguised as an exercise book...

  19. I was going to ask WTF a Turkish towel was, but the thoughtful commenters at 15 Minute Lunch have once again provided the answer to one of life's little mysteries. As to how is having someone else hold your legs over your head invigorating... all I can say is 'only if they're doin' it right!' It sounds like all kinds of fun to me ;)

    Loving all Sylvia's pearls of wisdom. I feel alive now baby!

  20. Anonymous5:01 PM

    My grandma was anemic while she was preggers with my mom. Her dr. told her to eat strips of raw liver. Unfortunately, grandma was batshit crazy too. So rolling around in bet with a partner will make your abdomen to away? That's funny; there were two times I did that and my abdomen got freakishly large for about, oh...nine months.

    That first pic is a woman, she currently holds the Guinness world record for most body piercings. Also: my secret word is 'yqgarkp' which is exactly what I would say if my toes were put over my head.

  21. I think that first photo is of Mimi from Drew Carey. She has definitely hit the skids since the show was cancelled. Must be working for a circus somewhere.

  22. Oh, and I've been so unsuccessful at dropping a few lbs that slapping myself silly is sounding like a reasonable remedy.

  23. That first picture of freak-show-Pat? Holy crap JV. Thanks for the nightmares.

    Let the slapping commence...

  24. I'm just wondering how women of the decade that book came out made it through alive!

    I'm not sure if I'm more disturbed at Dame Sylvia's techniques or that someone actually published that crap

  25. You are so funny. I really enjoy reading your blog. I wish you would post more often. Have a great weekend. p.s. you should write a book!

  26. I haven't seen Slyvia before but that it the funniest thing i've seen in ages.