7/22/08

Sundays With Sylvia: Volume III

Sylvia had shit to do on Sunday.

It turns out that in addition to her stellar advice on how to reduce your boobs, Sylvia also has some pearls of wisdom on ways to make them larger, if by chance you aren't happy with what nature has seen fit to give you.

On Bigger Boobs And The Right Underwear: Sylvia Knows Best, Goddammit.

There are two things about Sylvia that I love -- First, she doesn't pull any punches. She's the kind of friend who would tell you in no uncertain terms that yes, you do look fat in those jeans, and you would take that opinion and like it. Second, she is 100% positive that her methods work. She is like the voodoo priestess of fat reduction, and god help you if you don't believe something she is telling you.

So let's make our boobs bigger, shall we?



You feel inferior. You look inferior. Your life is no bed of roses. Do you know why? Because you are boobless. You have nipples with no support system. If you were held up at gunpoint and you raised your arms in surrender, you bra would slip up and snap you in the chin.

Rest easy, my flat-chested friend. All that is in the past. With Sylvia's help, you WILL have bigger boobs. And then....oh yes....THEN....world domination is within your grasp.

How do we know this to be true? Because Sylvia said so.

Here is her secret. Remember, you MUST do this before an open window. Why? Isn't it obvious by now? Because Sylvia said so.



That's it. That's all there is to it. And I know this works, because my wife's grandmother had the largest set of knockers I've ever seen on a 70 year old woman, and this chapter had the corner of the page folded down. I rest my case.

With that dog-eared page still fresh in my mind (and my nightmares) I am confident that if you follow the above advice exactly, in no time you will have breasts to call your very own. And as an extra bonus for all you flat-chested women reading this -- just in case you need an extra boost to get the major cuppage happening -- here's more of Sylvia's sage advice:



If any of you are planning on doing any naked singing in front of an open window any time soon, please let me know, because it will help my disposition, too. Plus, I can probably get a ton of hits if I post the video of you singing, followed by the video of you being arrested and hauled off in the back seat of a cruiser with your freshly-sprouted breasts bobbing up and down in the rear window. (Note: If you live in the northeast, I would also suggest not waiting until January or February to start this practice, because you could inadvertently take an eye out.)

Of course, if you avoid the whole police scene, and manage to sing naked in front of a window every morning for a few months without attracting any unwanted attention, you will need something to carry your newly-minted cans.



And for fuck's sake, don't go waddling into a room without any corset. That's just stupid. Given the rest of her comments, however, I'm guessing Sylvia would have something to say about this alarming trend:



Also, don't sit around after dinner, talking. Apparently, that will kill you, and if it doesn't kill you it will, at the very least, get you a big, fat stomach:



And remember fat people: No swimming. Instead, lay in the sun and then jump in cold water.

Because that makes much more sense.

37 comments:

  1. But it's Tuesday!!!

    I must say Sylvia is probably rolling like a rotisserie in her grave. And I hope not many people follow her advice.

    However, since I am zaftig myself, I like the sunbathing, but would prefer to skip the cold water. Nice warm pools for me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am still laughing about the bra snapping into your chin.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous11:03 PM

    My large breasted Grandma always had a tin of "bag balm" in the cupboard. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I figured out that she wasn't enhancing with that stuff! It's for your hands, not your t*ts, and it doesn't make your hands grow larger either.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Possibly Nazis took Sylvia's advice & this s why they were always goose-stepping around.

    The open-window thing is crepping me out. But the laughing reminds me of this great episode of ST:NG with Majel Rodenberry. Maybe Sylvia came from another planet & this explains her daffyness.

    BTW, did she ever say if her breast reduction technique worked on moobs?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am dying to know if Sylvia listed her qualifications in that book somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm just ticked I didn't have Sylvia to read about 14 years ago when I needed her most.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Who needs Valerie Bertinelli. Sylvia lives!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Me thinks Silvia was a peeping tom. All this standing in front of the window nude...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sundays with Sylvia crack me up. Your add on's just make it all the funnier. Thanks for the chuckles - now it's back to laying in the sun and jumping in cold water. Ironic that we aren't supposed to sit and talk after dinner but we can lay around in the sun all we want.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sylvia must have lived out in the boonies. When I was 15, I would probably have done everything she said (except the naked in the window part) and been so disappointed when it didn't work. Now I can just laugh at her!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I laughed so hard at this, I gained an entire cup size.

    ReplyDelete
  12. LMAO, oh man I can't wait to give these exercises a whirl. Living in Canada, it is the perfect time of year for singing in front of the open window! My creepy-peeper neighbour will be lovin' it I guess. But the hell? A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I hate when my bra strap snaps me in the chin damn it, that sh!t leaves a mark! (video to follow)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'd like to see the video of the boob exercising in front of the window while singing. I've never seen a singing boob.
    No more about shitting on Sundays.

    ReplyDelete
  14. freshly-sprouted breasts bobbing up and down in the rear window

    Best line of the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous11:36 AM

    you kill me - Sundays with Sylvia is hilarious. But - they should come with a don't read at work warning. People look at you funny when you start cracking up and they don't know why

    ReplyDelete
  16. kristina12:04 PM

    Well I want to know why world domination is not mine yet - these boobs right here are surely big enough!! Or do you have to graduate to the double-letter cup sizes before that happens?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yikes. That isn't a muffin top; its a whole continental breakfast.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Enough with the muffins already! A guy can only stand it so long. Sylvia is one scary chica I tell ya.

    ReplyDelete
  19. DaynaJune1:27 PM

    What?! No Turkish Towels?!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sylvia is obviously a man. Who else would advise women to stand naked in front of an open window?

    ReplyDelete
  21. hell yeah, tan fat looks way better than white fat!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm new to your blog, and Sylvia too! She's the greatest! I've been telling people that laying around in the sun on the beach and then a quick dip in the cold water absolutely sheds the pounds for years! I've lost so much weight that my boobs are getting smaller. But thanks to Sylvia, the kaiser of cleavage, I will begin the naked singing first thing tomorrow morning!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I've been reading your blog for about a year now. I just want you to know you bring so much joy to my life and so does Sylvia. Thanks for making me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Lordy.

    I've been so busy lately, I haven't been checking in as much as I like.

    Oh what I've missed!

    No wonder my tatas aren't too-too, I haven't been laughing at your posts lately.

    Was wondering why the sudden deflation...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yay - I just moved into a new place this week and this will be a GREAT way to make friends with the neighbors! Unfortunately, I am straight and live in a very gay city...at least the female neighbors will like me.

    ReplyDelete
  26. So what Sylvia is saying is that I should do all this to develop my manboobs? ;) By the way, I don't really think you're an asshat, but you were setting yourself up for that one with your previous comment. I couldn't not take the punch. Sorry. Of course, with my photos, I probably left myself open to ridicule too.

    ReplyDelete
  27. What's the sense in getting the ta-ta's bigger if she doesn't allow them to be touched EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I so wish I could get some of whatever it was Sylvia was so obviously smoking. I bet my job would seem a LOT better.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Christ! I thought that since I'm skinny, I was safe. But no, apparently I'm jumpy and twitchy and shit.
    Sylvia sounds like Janice Dickenson for the 30s set.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous4:08 PM

    Hahahahaha!

    I'm a Brazilian woman who has been enjoying your blog for a long time now. These Sylvia excerpts followed by your own comments are extremely funny. I hope all those laughs don't cause me any breast augmentation, since this is the last thing I need :-D.

    Thanks for the entertainment!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks for the Sylvia updates. I waited until Sunday to read it so I could personally have the right combination.

    Do you have the term "muffin top" to describe the picture of the poor unfortunate girl in the jeans? Or is it an Australian term?

    I look forward to what Sylvia says next.

    ReplyDelete
  32. widget -- If you look at the name of the photo, that's what it's called.

    Kat, I can sense your crabby, nasty disposition from here.

    ReplyDelete
  33. What? No finding a partner to slap and beat your boobs? Oh that's right, the beatings are for reduction.
    Had I known singing naked in front of an open window would work such wonders, I might have a sugar daddy by now.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Aside from laughing my ass off with Sylvia -- what I have noticed is that women are fatter differently these days.

    In the old days women were fat in their hips and asses and were curvy.

    Today its all belly fat and love handles plus some.

    Weird huh?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Awww, Johnny, it's been way too long. It's good to be back. Sylvia is awesome, a crackhead, but awesome none-the-less. Thanks for sharing the goodness! And yes, we skinny, boobless people have it hard - no hot baths or soup for us, draining our energy. But lucky for us we get to stand in front of a window naked singing and poking eyes out. Ahhh, the joy. PS: Is she the Soup Nazi? PPS: Confirmed yet again - our separation at birth: I hoover my food too.

    ReplyDelete
  36. PPPPS: Oops, just realized you have to approve them. I'm your retarded, younger sister apparently as well.

    ReplyDelete
  37. * Thin and flat-chested women have great lives.
    * It's hard being fat and UN-flat. SO un-flat that you start feeling embarrassed.
    * How come Sylvia never wrote about reducing a cup size?
    * Wait, did she? I haven't read all the posts.

    ReplyDelete