Sylvia had shit to do on Sunday.
It turns out that in addition to her stellar advice on how to reduce your boobs, Sylvia also has some pearls of wisdom on ways to make them larger, if by chance you aren't happy with what nature has seen fit to give you.
On Bigger Boobs And The Right Underwear: Sylvia Knows Best, Goddammit.
There are two things about Sylvia that I love -- First, she doesn't pull any punches. She's the kind of friend who would tell you in no uncertain terms that yes, you do look fat in those jeans, and you would take that opinion and like it. Second, she is 100% positive that her methods work. She is like the voodoo priestess of fat reduction, and god help you if you don't believe something she is telling you.
So let's make our boobs bigger, shall we?
You feel inferior. You look inferior. Your life is no bed of roses. Do you know why? Because you are boobless. You have nipples with no support system. If you were held up at gunpoint and you raised your arms in surrender, you bra would slip up and snap you in the chin.
Rest easy, my flat-chested friend. All that is in the past. With Sylvia's help, you WILL have bigger boobs. And then....oh yes....THEN....world domination is within your grasp.
How do we know this to be true? Because Sylvia said so.
Here is her secret. Remember, you MUST do this before an open window. Why? Isn't it obvious by now? Because Sylvia said so.
That's it. That's all there is to it. And I know this works, because my wife's grandmother had the largest set of knockers I've ever seen on a 70 year old woman, and this chapter had the corner of the page folded down. I rest my case.
With that dog-eared page still fresh in my mind (and my nightmares) I am confident that if you follow the above advice exactly, in no time you will have breasts to call your very own. And as an extra bonus for all you flat-chested women reading this -- just in case you need an extra boost to get the major cuppage happening -- here's more of Sylvia's sage advice:
If any of you are planning on doing any naked singing in front of an open window any time soon, please let me know, because it will help my disposition, too. Plus, I can probably get a ton of hits if I post the video of you singing, followed by the video of you being arrested and hauled off in the back seat of a cruiser with your freshly-sprouted breasts bobbing up and down in the rear window. (Note: If you live in the northeast, I would also suggest not waiting until January or February to start this practice, because you could inadvertently take an eye out.)
Of course, if you avoid the whole police scene, and manage to sing naked in front of a window every morning for a few months without attracting any unwanted attention, you will need something to carry your newly-minted cans.
And for fuck's sake, don't go waddling into a room without any corset. That's just stupid. Given the rest of her comments, however, I'm guessing Sylvia would have something to say about this alarming trend:
Also, don't sit around after dinner, talking. Apparently, that will kill you, and if it doesn't kill you it will, at the very least, get you a big, fat stomach:
And remember fat people: No swimming. Instead, lay in the sun and then jump in cold water.
Because that makes much more sense.