Those of you who have been hanging around here for a while know that occasionally I post the Site-Meter searches that lead people to my blog. Over the years, I seem to have become a magnet for strange searches that revolve around topics such as Flava Flav (I mentioned him ONE TIME, for god's sake), butt plugs, and all things scrotum. I am fairly certain that most of that is due to me publishing the questions that lead people here, and my subsequent advice for those searchers. It's a vicious and disturbing cycle, but most of the time it's a fun one. I haven't done this in a while, so it's time. Without further ado, I present:
Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site
A butt plug out dancing -- I'm assuming here that you are not actually looking for a butt plug out dancing, but just in case there's a 3% chance that you are:
I'm 97% sure that you're searching Google to see if perhaps wearing a butt plug out dancing is a good or bad thing to do, and whether anyone will be the wiser. I am no expert, having never actually worn a butt plug, however not being an expert has never prevented me from giving you advice in the past and today is no different. I've found that you can usually tell which dancer has the butt plug just by paying close attention to facial expressions. For instance, take a look at this picture:
Can you spot the person wearing the butt plug? Look closely at the facial expressions. They are a dead giveaway. In case you're having trouble, I've gone ahead and labeled the picture for you:
(Note: Zombie chicks are also easy to pick out once you learn how. Hint: check the eyes.)
how do I know how big of a butt plug I can take? -- Well, again I have to say I'm no expert, but I would size it like you size a ring at the jewelers, only in reverse. Instead of sliding the ring down the cone until it stops, you shove the cone into the ring until it stops. Then you just have a really good friend read off the number.
what do to when your husband is looking at transvestites -- My advice is to spend this private time wisely. I suggest using it to draw up the divorce papers.
why do your testicles hang so low in the morning after sleeping naked -- I was not aware that this was a problem for people. Do you sleep hanging from the ceiling like some sort of giant bat, by chance? Because that's about the only way I can see this being an issue. Even then, I am pretty sure there would have to be ropes and weights involved. I suggest maybe looking into a sackectomy. Maybe you could have the excess made into a nice wallet.
I have black moles on my penis -- I suggest you try some of this:
too big for my rectum -- I think you are onto something here. This totally sounds like the beginning of a country song title, and it just needs to be finished up. Picture Jay Leno introducing Clay Aiken. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Clay Aiken singing "Too Big for My Rectum, Too Small for My Heart." See? Perfect.
stinging nettles on labia -- Ow. I don't even have a labia and this hurts me. Rule number one: If you are in an environment which may include stinging nettles, keep your labia covered at all times. Rule number two: For f*ck's sake, see rule number one and put that thing away. No good can come of waving it around.
piano teacher cut my labia -- I suggest you immediately find a different piano teacher. Perhaps we need to amend Rule number one to include locations with stinging nettles and also pianos.
baking soda and the vagina -- I believe I can help you here. I think you just need to know the full title of the book before you'll be able to narrow down your search. I can only assume you are looking for the new publication entitled "Baking Soda and the Vagina - A Retrospective" by Arm & Hammer. It's fascinating stuff. I was honored to have contributed this post to the first chapter.
what causes a guppy to swim upside down? -- Usually, it's a serious health condition called Death, and as far as I know, there is no cure.
do men wash their ass? -- Speaking as a man, I would have to say that yes, as a general rule, we do. I personally wash my ass at least twice a day, whether it needs it or not. Now, as with all things, there are exceptions to the rule. In this case, there is a particular subset of men who attend professional conferences like Lotusphere the IBM Advisor conference, and these men tend to NOT wash their ass. Avoid going to these conferences if at all possible.
please help dogs testicles turned black really worried -- I am of absolutely no use to you on this matter, since I do not have a dog, let alone one with black testicles. I will say this however -- I'll bet you're not half as worried as your dog is.
That's it for today, ladies and gentlemen. I'm off to write the lyrics to that Clay Aiken song I was telling you about. Wish me luck, and keep an eye out for me at this year's CMT awards ceremony.