8/22/07

fancy restaurant = fancy bathroom tiles = fancy pee pad.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were wandering around an outside strip mall and she wanted to treat me to dinner. We decided to go to this place called Provence because she had been there quite a few times for lunch and said it was really good and reasonably priced. That's lunch. Dinner wasn't so "reasonably priced," but that's not the story here. Our waiter's name was Steve, and he was excellent. I saw him "arrange" our bread on his way out of the kitchen though, and I don't like people touching my food. The meals were good, but way too elaborate for my unsophisticated palate. This story has more to do with their fancy bathroom than their fancy meals.

I've posted once before about becoming a stall man, and the reasons why. Or, rather the reason why, and that reason is because I don't like standing in sticky, half dried floor-pee. So I thought this was the greatest thing ever:




Yes. It is a pee pad. Because I am not really used to going to upscale restaurants, this is the first time I had ever seen one of these. Normally, the types of establishments that I frequent make you pay for your meal before you actually eat it, and if the bathroom has any sort of pee pad it's entirely coincidental and consists mainly of a pile of soggy paper towels and someone's vomit-stained sweatshirt.

At first, I wondered to whom the cleaning duties fell, because that seemed like something I would like to see my worst enemy do, if I had a worst enemy. I figured there was a sign next to the time clock that said:

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES:

IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOU ARE PUNCHING IN LATE. FROM NOW ON, IF YOU PUNCH IN LATE TWO SHIFTS IN A ROW, REMEDIAL ACTION WILL BE TAKEN. IN ADDITION TO YOUR REGULAR DUTIES, YOU WILL ALSO CLEAN THE PEE-PADS IN THE MEN'S ROOM FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS, OR UNTIL ONE OF YOUR CO-WORKERS PUNCHES IN LATE TWICE IN A ROW. WE ARE SORRY IT HAS COME TO THIS, BUT IT'S NOT FAIR THAT STEVE HAS TO CLEAN THE PEE-PADS ALL THE TIME.

THE MANAGEMENT


Then, because I don't want to mislead you all, I did some research. It turns out that they are disposable and contain "inner super absorbent Trilex 20™ fibers to catch drips and splashes." I don't know what that is, but it sounds very scientifically valid. Supposedly, "Once the mat reaches its saturation level, you simply throw it away and replace with another."

I am not sure I want to know exactly how "saturation level" is determined. I can only hope there is an alarm of some sort that warns someone that saturation level is fast approaching -- preferably someone who knows how to deal with such things.

Otherwise, your single, errant pee drip could be the one that breaks the camel's back and releases a urinary flood of epic proportions.

I know I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Or my shoes.

24 comments:

  1. Katie1:45 PM

    Surprisingly, this is something that is also needed for women's restrooms. I don't exactly know WHY. Perhaps because most women (I assume) do the "public potty crouching pee" and it gets everywhere. Ick.

    Well, now you know why dinner was so pricey. They need the funds for the pee pads.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Vomit-stained sweatshirt?? Really?

    Sounds like a rock band from the early 90's.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How much do I love that you took a picture of said pee pad?

    On a different note, that is fancy tiling.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's not a Pee Pad, JV. That's for Bathroom baseball, and clearly you were at home plate.

    First is over by the stalls, second is hand drier, third is the sink, and you return to where you started for a run.

    The bathroom attendant is your umpire, and if necessary ghost-runner.

    How you play is simple: to get a base hit, you just have to make a urine deposit. Depending on the length of that deposit you can make it to any of the three bases. 5 seconds for first, 15 seconds for second, and 30 for third.

    Anything after that is considered a run.


    But, you have an option. Now if you follow the rules above you're looking at 31 seconds for each run. But, if you break up your urination over the course of an evening, getting a man on each time, and returning after more drinks, you can load the bases.

    Once the bases are loaded you'll need to piss for a full 40 seconds to get all the men home.

    Taking a dump in the urinal is considered both a bunt and uncouth, but will (determined by a dice roll) potentially get you a grand slam on its own. DO THIS ONLY AT THE END OF A GAME, because afterwards they ask you not to return.

    - Scott

    P.S. Be sure to tip the attendant. It really is a horrible job.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Was there possibly more than one Steve working there?
    I would have been a little upset, raised a fuss and got me a free meal, and possibly more bread.
    It's true I have ocd issues with food, but still.

    ReplyDelete
  6. katie, they make them.

    kk - you'd have to shorten it. Vomit stain would be a good name.

    Arm - I had to wait until I was by myself. But I was fan of the decor.

    scotty, that is totally amazing, and a little disturbing that you had those rules just ready and waiting.

    Alex -- me too. I'll bet you smell everything before you eat it, am I right?

    ReplyDelete
  7. JV, it's more disturbing that I made those up virtually in real time. It's like the rules were always there... just waiting to surface.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's like amniotic fluid for men.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I live with 3 sons and 1 husband....I need one of those in my house!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, and just a side note, I worked as a waitress for about 10 years. If you have issues with people touching your food, you should probably not eat in restaurants, EVER!!! Sorry :(

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh man, know I know about bathroom baseball. Now I need to find me one of those bathrooms so I can play, preferably at a bar because I want to try for a grand slam.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Vomit stained sweatshirt" has the potential to be a great rock band name. Try giving it a German twist, like "Pukenswetir".

    ReplyDelete
  13. I do the smell thing only occasionaly but there is a list of other freakishness.
    For example; If I stare at my food too much I start finding stuff. Like the red thing that is possibly a rat bit or the white thing that might be a little tip of finger.
    As a result I eat mostly bread and chocolate.

    Speaking of OCD, do you ever look at the word verification code and try to pronounce it? No? Just me? Mmmk.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Maybe they test it by filling it with the same blue fluid that they use in sanitary product commercials.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yeah, I saw the movie "Waiting"

    I just try not to think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Pee pads huh? I think on the Northway rest stop near Albany they are called "knee pads.

    Why throw them away, they would make great floor mats for the car, the money we could make on Ebay.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hmm, I never saw the movie "Waiting", actually I've never even heard of it, but I am not a big TV and movies person. I just know that I worked at an IHOP for about 4 yrs. All the cooks were related and from El Salvador. They spoke ok english, enough to understand "Hey I am missing a short stack." But they never seemed to understand, "Please wash your hands after scratching your balls."
    So anytime that I was forced to eat there, I went back to that grill line, pushed those idiot asses out of my way, and cooked my own food.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Years ago I developed what I call "The New York Stance," wherein the feet are placed just outside the range of comfort, therefore beyond where any previous shoes have picked up/soaked in extant urinary output. Just got back from there recently; it still almost works.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous4:59 PM

    Apparently lots of patents in this area....who knew....just another capitalist way to become a millonaire that I did not think of..


    RELATED APPLICATIONS

    [0001] none

    INCORPORATION BY REFERENCE

    [0002] Applicant(s) hereby incorporate herein by reference, any and all U.S. patents, U.S. patent applications, and other documents and printed matter cited or referred to in this application.

    BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION

    [0003] 1. Field of the Invention

    [0004] This invention relates generally to urinal or toilet deflectors or splash guards and more particularly to an insert for a wall mounted urinal for assuring that splashes and drips are contained within the urinal.

    [0005] 2. Description of Related Art

    [0006] The following art defines the present state of this field:

    [0007] Hedberg, U.S. Pat. No. 1,442,270: An improved shield device for toilet bowls and seats comprises a body portion made of flexible, yielding material substantially segmental in outline and designed to be secured to the under surface of a toilet seat at the front thereof, and an apron portion and designed to extend downwardly from the under surface of the seat to a point spaced below the top of the bowl, the forward edge of said apron being beveled to incline downwardly and rearwardly to engage the inner edge of the bowl top, for the purposes stated.

    [0008] Piper, U.S. Pat. No. 1,854,328: A sanitary shield comprises a clamping member adapted to be placed on the rim of a closet bowl, an apron hinged to said clamping member, a spring on the hinge member for causing the apron to assume an inclined position above the rim of the bowl.

    [0009] Bryant, U.S. Pat. No. 1,879,066: A shield is adapted for attachment to a boy's toilet seat of the open front type having an opening extending inwardly from its forward edge, said shield comprising a bowl adapted to be seated in said opening with the mouth of said bowl facing rearwardly, and yieldable means on said bowl adapted to frictionally engage the edges of the seat adjacent said opening for detachably securing said bowl to the seat.


    [0016] Our prior art search with abstracts described above teaches: a toilet seat front shield, a toilet bowl with hinged shield, a shield for a boys toilet seat, an attachment for toilets, a urinal for use with a portable toilet structure, a urination deflector, a collapsible urinal splash shield, an adult urine splash guard, and a toilet bowl splash guard, but except for Juaire et al, U.S. Pat. No. 4,670,918, the prior art does not address issues concerning conventional wall-mounted urinals. Specifically, the prior art does not appear to address the issues of overspray, leakage, drips and related problems that occur with the use of wall mounted urinals where a male is standing during the act of urination. The present invention fulfills these needs and provides solutions and further related advantages as described in the following summary.

    SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION

    [0017] The present invention teaches certain benefits in construction and use which give rise to the objectives described below. The invention is directed to the well-known problem of urine containment in the use of urinals. Two specific issues arise. First, it is well known that when a urine stream is directed into a urinal, impact with one of the urinal's interior surfaces creates splashes, and these splashes are often not fully contained within the urinal, but may come into contact with the user's clothing or fall to the floor in front of the urinal. Second, the floor in front of a urinal is often found to be wet with urine spillage. Such wetness is not only caused by inadvertent splashing but is primarily caused by dripping. When a man urinates into a urinal the initiation and cessation of the urination stream includes poorly directed stream control and dripping. Older men especially often have a considerable problem with stream control and cessation dripping. This not only creates an odor problem in public toilet facilities, but also a slip-and-fall liability problem to the establishment, and an embarrassment to the person whose clothing becomes wet. The primary reason why commercial urinals do not function more efficiently is that the frontal opening into which the urine stream is directed is too large and the rearwardly directed surface which receives the urine stream is not oriented for deflecting the urine stream downward. The present invention corrects this condition.

    [0018] A wall mounted urinal has a detachable urinal insert where the insert provides a frontally directed opening for receiving a urine stream. The insert provides a lower surface in contact with the bottom surface of the urinal for supporting the insert, and an upper surface or a rear surface, or both, for stabilizing the insert within the urinal. A splash capturing surface defines an aperture for admitting a urine stream, the aperture comprising an area inferior to that of the frontally directed opening of the urinal and extending outwardly from it.

    [0019] A primary objective of the present invention is to provide an apparatus and method of use of such apparatus that yields advantages not taught by the prior art.

    [0020] Another objective is to provide such an invention capable of containing all of the urine ejected by a urinal user.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous5:08 PM

    You all have to go here...the picture alone is worth the trip..

    http://www.urinalsplashguard.com/splash.php

    Houdini

    ReplyDelete
  21. ah....this is why he was away from the table so long. I figured he found something interesting. Oh know we are going away for a week and fancy dinners are included. Can't wait for the trip or the laughs.

    ReplyDelete
  22. i agree with katie - women's restrooms need peepads probably worse than the guys. and i have actually seen doodoofeces on the seat and floor and stall walls. women are gross. all guys do is draw dirty pictures and write the eff word.

    now i am all pissed.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hmm, as soon as I saw what this post was about, it occurred to me that someone had to clean the thing.

    Now that you've cleared that up, I wonder whose paycheck depends on disposing of it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. "IN ADDITION TO YOUR REGULAR DUTIES, YOU WILL ALSO CLEAN THE PEE-PADS IN THE MEN'S ROOM FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS, OR UNTIL ONE OF YOUR CO-WORKERS PUNCHES IN LATE TWICE IN A ROW."

    LMAO... pee pads are a wave to the future of containable sanitation solutions...

    ReplyDelete