8/10/07

By request.

Too Big For My Rectum, Too Small For My Heart
written by Johnny Virgil and performed by Clay Aiken*

(verse)
I sat in a booth at a diner in Tulsa
eating a slice of Donella's peach pie

You walked right past me, you looked right at me
you didn't remember, you didn't say "hi"

It was a rest stop in Denver a summer ago
where we met and made love in my cabover pete

You were gentle and kind but when you left my behind
it felt like a pound of prime angus ground beef

(chorus)
You were too big for my rectum, too small for my heart
Too married to her and too soon we did part
I swore if our paths ever crossed on the road
Truck scales be damned, I'd take on your load
Too big for my rectum, too small for my heart

(verse)
Donella came over and saw tears in my eyes
Business was slow so she sat for a while

I told her my story, she said she was sorry
But a big guy like me just wasn't your style

Just then a blonde walked by us and joined you
Donella just nodded as I stood up to leave her


I threw down a twenty for a 5 dollar tab
I couldn't believe that you settled on beaver

(chorus x2)
You were too big for my rectum, too small for my heart
Too married to her and too soon we did part
I swore if our paths ever crossed on the road
Truck scales be damned, I'd take on your load
Too big for my rectum, too small for my heart

Get the vote out

*If you are confused by this post, read the previous one. If you are still confused, then there's not much else I can do.

16 comments:

  1. *sniff* Beautiful...just beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dude. I think you've just discovered your superpower.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Never has the acronym WTF been more appropriate than just now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I never actually thought you'd write it but here it is.
    Lovely. And so sad. Story of my life really.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I definitely smell something...

    ReplyDelete
  6. alan, read the previous post and the comments and all will become clear,

    ReplyDelete
  7. How about another round of coffee enemas?

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is just twisted!!!
    No kidding, I was at a nudie music festival this weekend and that song could have been played there. In fact, similar songs were played by an all homosexual band....but these were all ladies talking about falling in love with the "girls" next door.
    I should give you their website, they could adapt it to a woman's version and perform it, just in case clay turns down the offer.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're sick.

    And damn talented.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What's scary is that I first thought you wrote it because it's something I'd think of you composing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not that I thought it was about you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Really....there just aren't any words.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nashville will be callin' you any second now, Johnny.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It needs music and my nascent piano skills and lack of vocal talent are no match for the powerful lyrics. Any takers?

    ReplyDelete