8/16/07

Pickup truck dude will bite me. As soon as I have 200 bucks.

Every morning, I leave my house to go to work at approximately the same time. It is extremely early, and most sane people are still watching the inside of their eyelids. I, however, and barreling down a godforsaken highway at roughly 80 mph, and generally the traffic is light enough so I don't have any issues with ass-munch drivers. Generally.

In the last month or so, I've picked up a lamprey eel, who sits in my blind spot and drives exactly my speed. I hate that like nothing else. It's my speed goddammit, pick your own and then go it. Or if you want to go mine, slow down for a while and wait until I'm way ahead of you. Don't be a tool and slow down and speed up with me because you think I have a radar detector.

This guy is a douchebag. And not just because he goes my speed. In fact, his ultra-high level on the douchbaggedness scale is based strictly on the type of rap music he listens to while driving. He's white. His music is angry. It says "what it do" and "Yeah. Uh huh" a lot. It hates women. It is liberally sprinkled with misogynistic phrases that appear approximately, oh...I don't know....EVERY VERSE and CHORUS would be my guess. On Wednesday, the chorus was simple enough to remember, so I looked it up. Turns out it's someone with the rap name of "Webbie." Here are the song lyrics if you're curious.

Normally, I wouldn't give a shit, and I'd say he can listen to whatever excuse for music he wants to. That's normally. But here's the non-normal problem:

You're probably wondering how I know what he's listening to, given the 80mph air-gap between our two vehicles. Or maybe you have experienced this irritation and already know. Not only does this dude go my speed, he also shares my frequency -- 89.9 on the FM dial if you are keeping track. This happens to be the best frequency in the area for a Griffin i-Trip, and the only frequency that is solid all the way from north buttscratch where I live to south buttscratch where I work.

The problem is, his transmitter is much stronger than mine and overrides my signal. I will be driving along listening to Dropping Daylight or Fountains of Wayne when suddenly I'm getting all Chingy wit' it, whether I want to be or not. When it happened the first couple of times, I just turned off my radio and slowed down, but I needed a good 1/8 mile between us before it would fade out. Then I figured I'd change my frequency, but I couldn't find one that didn't get overridden by some local FM station at some point during my trip.

After a while, I found another solution. I simply began to like rap music. It started growing on me. I began looking forward to our daily highway meeting. The simple, repetitive beat, the women-hating lyrics, it all began to make sense. I was beginning to understand the gangsta rap philosophy. No, I'm kidding. I don't have any bitches or hos that I beat up on a regular basis so I really have no business dabbling in that subculture.

My solution is not simple. It will take time, and it will take money -- but as god is my witness, I will force him to listen to MY music.

I figure i am pretty good with a soldering iron, and I can build this and this. Yes, I realize it will get me on the FCCs most wanted list, if they have one. Yes, I realize I am planning on running a pirate radio station from a moving vehicle. And yes, I am going to CRUSH this guy.

Now I just need to decide on the music. What band or music would a hard-core rapper absolutely hate? I'm open to suggestions. I can always turn my radio off while I broadcast.

81 comments:

  1. OK JV, unfortunately my little brother is one of those gay little white guys who always has some stupid looking gold pendant that is the size of my ass (and that is pretty big) around his neck. He is always listening to the most irritating rap music possible. My husband and I are always wondering how he became one of "those" guys, since we live in bumfuck too, the mountains of West Virginia to be specific. Makes no sense to me when most guys around here are beer drinking, Nascar watching hunters and fisherman. Turns out, he is one of our favorite people to make fun of!!!
    Anyways, my son and my brother are really close, so I just asked my son what music would Roger (my brother) hate the most. Country was his first answer, like serious honky tonking country. Maybe even blue grass. Second was some bagpipe or celtic stuff.
    Hope that helps, good luck!!

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  2. StFarmer12:08 PM

    I'm thinkin' Captain and Tennille.

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  3. It must be bluegrass. It IS the anti-rap.

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  4. Any boy band. I suggest old school New Kids On The Block. Or even better ... Celine Dion.

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  5. IIIIIIII'MMMMM saaaailllllinggggggg....awaaaaaaaaayyyyy...

    nuff said.

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  6. I've got it!!!!
    Riverdance music

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  7. You never fail to bring a tear to my eye from fits of laughter.

    I like the bagpipes suggestions. And honky tonk (though...I heart honky tonk...but I know those white-boy wannabe's don't)...also - polka. With accordians. I'm talking Weird Al Yankovich's dad style polka (don't ask me how I know this...). Oh...cruiser mel suggested this. anyway...yeah

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  8. Katie3:07 PM

    Air Supply. Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All.

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  9. Air supply was my first thought! Excellent.

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  10. Katie3:49 PM

    I just looked on Amazon where it list "what other people bought" who purchased Air Supply's greatest hits (seriously, who knew?). They listed Barry Manilow, Christopher Cross, and Olivia Newton-John. That might give you a good start.

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  11. Hilarious! I am a fairly new reader and today's post had me laughing so hard I was nearly crying. I vote for bagpipes, definitely the bagpipes.

    By the way, I'm going to link to your blog - I only just started blogging so it's probably of no consequence to you, but thought I would let you know.

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  12. Anonymous7:39 PM

    Celine Dion

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  13. Might I suggest Culture Club? When those idiots turn up their music so loud that my own car is rattling, I turn up the Boy and annoy the shit out of them right back. Bastards!

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  14. Anonymous11:23 PM

    Don't you have to listen to the music you are playing? 5th Dimension Aquarius-let the sunshine in, might work. I love that song-not sure why.
    colin@ablogc.com

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  15. Village People.
    I have no idea but I laughed so hard I simply had to say something.

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  16. You have a couple options here: First of all, you could use pop music. Fleetwood Mac. Celine Dion. Britney Spears.

    Or, concentrate on the emo front. Simple plan, blink 182 and green day have some great 'I'm going to cut myself; my mom didn't buy me the xbox I wanted' songs.

    Finally, you could try to convert him. Start with Eminem, then move into ACDC and Metallica. From there, you can go pretty much anywhere you want.

    Or if you lose interest and decide to put up with it, just turn the bass up and enjoy it. Rap music is tolerable if you can sync yourself with the beat.

    Side note: I'm guessing that you have your stereo preset to the 'pop' or 'rock' style of sound; rap sounds absolutely terrible filtered through that.

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  17. Also, my mind went somwhere completely different when I saw the title of this post.

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  18. ATG - It's 5am. The only thing I am trying to sync myself with is my cup of coffee. Also, rap sounds absolutely terrible all the time, regardless of what it's filtered through. I could filter it through activated charcoal and it would still sound like shit. As for the title, yeah..it sounds wrong. But I'm confident in my masculinity. I'm not gay. I'M NOT, GODDAMMIT!

    Ness, I had to go listen to Imogen Heap. I think that would make him fall asleep and drive into a bridge abutment.

    Sassy and Krissie, two good suggestions. I have a feeling that no matter what I pick, I'm going to have my volume turned off.

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  19. Dammit I've been paying that guy a FORTUNE to follow you. I didn't think it was working. You just made my day.

    (Absolutely bluegrass country music. Allison Krause, Brother Where art thou, etc.)

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  20. ATG's suggestion of Metallica is a damned good one. I personally love Metallica since I was a teen in the 80's.
    Oh and I am going to have to agree with JV on the rap thing....it most defintely sucks!!!

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  21. I can send you my current playlist if you want. I'm pretty sure the entire thing would be repugnant to a gangsta rap fan. (Think America, Gordon Lightfoot, a little John Denver, maybe some Pablo Cruise, etc. Good stuff! It IS! Shut UP!)

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  22. I like the bagpipes, but I think that Country, specifically "ruhts" music, will do the trick better than anything. Start with jimmie Rodgers (The Yodelling Brakeman) and his Tuberculosis Blues.

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  23. Hey JV
    I can't vote!! I am getting some sort of error page when I click on your links. Is the contest over? Or maybe it's just me??? It worked fine up until now.

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  24. I think his website is busticated.

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  25. Katrina said...

    It must be bluegrass. It IS the anti-rap.

    I agree :D

    Any kind of country music really.

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  26. Country. Old country. I'm talking George Strait and Clint black type country. Lwt us know how it goes. That would be fucking awesome.

    Best way to get rid of vehicular lampreyness.

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  27. Boy I hate that too. I love rap tho.

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  28. r2K - why? dear god why?

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  29. It appears the bloginterviewer voting site was being upgraded to get away from the annoying CPU messages. It is back up at least for me. If it is not there Mike says it will be back by Monday.

    As to the music. Here are a few things. First I love the Country idea but not just any country, how about country from back in the 70s. It was much more twangy then.

    The first thing I thought of was Barry Manilow. Gotta love Celtic Folk too with groups like Enja, Artisan, Chieftains. ONJ - Have you never been mellow works too. And finally the one the drove me insane one summer... Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart.

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  30. it's been a while since i read your blog, and it's good to see you're still mixing it up.

    i vote for the carpenters - i'm on the top of the world. over and over.

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  31. Alanis Morissette. Game over.

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  32. No one has suggested ABBA yet. Or Enya even, that'll put him to sleep. Or you could just rock out to some Metallica, Megadeth, Velvet Revolver, etc. Don't torture yourself in the process.

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  33. all good suggestions. I envision the world's worst mix tape coming up.

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  34. If forced to choose, I think I would rather listen to the world's worst mix tape than gansta rap!! The guy is lucky that you don't go all Bruce Willis on his and ram his car right off the road!!

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  35. Petunia8:38 PM

    David Cassidy

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  36. I used to live in an apartment under a jazz musician. You know, late night sessions, the whole bit. I'm a singer. I'd get in the shower first thing in the morning and sing a medley of one song from each of the following:

    New Grass Revival
    Dolly Parton
    Hank Williams
    Soundtrack to The Sound of Music
    Wagner or really any opera
    Handel's The Messiah
    Cher

    I figure a CD's worth of any of these would be great, but it would be even better if you mixed it up.

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  37. Rock lullabies. Rockabye Baby

    Seriously, the coolest songs reworked as lullabies--even Metallica.

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  38. Guess who's beating you at blogtopsites? Fuck it, I'll just tell you. ME!

    Anyways, all these are fairly inventive suggestions, but Britney Spears is the most annoying music you can get, without resorting to the heavy stuff. Don't pull out the Spice Girls unless you have to. And be comforted that when all else fails, there's Aqua.

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  39. Anonymous2:00 AM

    Play him some jazz. Old jazz. George Benson,Grover Washington. That will irk the shit outta him.

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  40. Skyyyyyrockets in flight... Afternoon deliiiiiight.

    I think the Air Supply/Mainlow/Streisand/Showtunes/bluegrass suggestions are all pretty faboo. Perhaps your readership can band together and make you the Anti-rapper mix tape of DOOM.

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  41. 'Aqua' is what happens when you cross Britney Spears with a techno band from the 80s, and it's all apparently sung by small Japanese girls after sucking helium.

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  42. You need the Itsy Bitsy Spider song in there.

    Seriously. Bad.

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  43. Also, you should go to www.binaryelysium.com/itrip_amp and check out what they have there - it might help. :)

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  44. And that booster matched with a cel phone jammer? Perfect driving.

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  45. JV...Bridge Abutment = end of problem driver.

    I still say you go for Imogen Heap. But if you really want to fuck with him, play a mix of David Hasselhoff and my personal favorite, the dreadful single "Shake Ya Body" by the model cum talk show host Tyra Banks.

    He'll drive into the abutment on PURPOSE.

    Also, I just stumbled across this.

    http://mvmedstudent.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/hasselhoff3.jpg

    I will never be the same.

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  46. those pugs will never lead normal lives.

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  47. My suggestions: Pat Boone, Gilbert and Sullivan, or (given his penchant for rap) George Michael. Abutment, here we come...

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  48. I completely love your sense of vegence.
    I can't believe not one person has suggested classical. Country is an obvious choice but I think classical is the extreme opposite. Or you could go the soft sleepy grateful dead route. Something with a good 25 minute drum solo. Even the hippies walk out an go get some lunch during that stuff.

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  49. Makes ya miss AM radio, doesn't it?

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  50. I think it would be good for you to create a list of HIS music. Then just create a mix tape of all of his music skipping and changing from song to song randomly. He will never suspect you and he will go insane.

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  51. Anonymous6:05 PM

    Thank you so much for this article. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to music, art, whatever, AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE IT SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT.

    Rap and hip-hop is just plain insulting on every level, to me that is and it appears, to many others.

    I think what would greatly annoy this rap lover from bumfuck is anything hippie. No offense to the peaceniks, harmless as they usually are, but transmit the anti-hate, peace, love and utopia message and this guy will come unglued.

    Watch out for road rage. From cRap to hippie music just might make this guy come unglued.

    Can't wait to see it on YouTube !

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  52. My first thought was to give him a dose of the stuff I usually listen to: 80s art rock and progressive jazz. A nice mix of Marrilion, early Genesis, Gentle Giant mixed in with Return to Forever, Herbie Hancock and some Thomas Dolby to round it all out.

    But if you're going to the trouble of building a transmitter take it a step further and record your *own* rap song. You know how little talent it takes. Steal a music bed from the internet. Write some lyrics that specifically refer to the vehicles you're driving (make, model and color) and make the subject either how you're a lame ass looser following someone you'd like to be, or how you're being followed by a lame ass loser who you're going to cut to pieces with a broken P. Diddy CD.

    If you do it right it will take a while for it to dawn on him what's happening, and should really freak him out when he does. Then if he speeds up or slows down YOU can match speed with him.

    Do this a few times and I'll probably find an alternate route to travel.

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  53. Chinese Opera.

    It sounds like cracked-out cats in heat being killed. Slowly.

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  54. The answer is simple. Sesame Street albums.

    "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?"

    One of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong..."

    "Doing the brrr brrr pigeon..."

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  55. i know this is way late, but i love john's idea of making a cd of the lamprey's music. but i can't believe no one mentioned yani! or did i just walk right by it?

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  56. Anonymous10:27 PM

    I think some William Shatner might make ANYONE drive into an abutment. Mix him with some Hasslehoff and WHAM! Down he goes!

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  57. Anonymous10:40 PM

    My first thought was blasting him with Norweigian Black Metal or brain melting death metal...no wimpy Metallica. Think Lamb of God, etc. There's nothing quite like head banging to death metal in a language you can't understand. Bolt Thrower is quite lovely. Rammstein is also festive first thing in the morning.

    Then I realized that this punk is too good for music. You can easily download political, parenting, yoga or a variety of earth biscut type podcasts free of charge. A 700 Club sermon should really get his goat.

    Don't get me wrong. I like rap but there is a time and place for everything and any one traveling in your blindspot deserves to be messed with.

    You can also edit in sirens every so often. That should slow him down.

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  58. Anonymous4:09 PM

    New reader here.

    The stuff that makes me want to kill?

    Sade
    Neil Diamond (has to be him singing, as his songwriting is awesome with anyone else singing it for him)
    Joanie Mitchel a;lsdkgja;hg

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  59. jthorpe12:31 PM

    James Blunt. Play "Beautiful" over...and over...and over again.

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  60. Glenn Miller.
    I have the boxed set.
    Wanna copy?

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  61. Alcoholiday8:10 PM

    Funny thing is I do own a lot of rap and for a couple years there, landed right into pickup truck dude's catagory.
    Granted, I grew up in the inner city where the minority population was the majority.
    I've since grown into more intelligent rap (see Talib Kweli, Mos Def, Common) than the Too $hort and C-Murder of yesteryear. Not to mention expanding my listening catalog exponentially.
    Point being, I probably can help simply by suggesting what I would least like to listen to.

    Jewel
    Celine Dion
    John Tesh
    Yanni

    Or everyone's perennial favorite

    Clay Aikens (sp?) Christmas CD

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  62. Anonymous4:07 AM

    I use to have a similar problem a long time ago with some kids and a boombox in the parking lot near my building. That’s how I found out about a supposedly old saying – “Have you tried Wagner?”. Works like a charm – especially if you don’t have to listen to it.

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  63. Howabout bagpipes done at a speedmetal pace? Off Kilter is great for that. (Warning: Loud Speed Bagpiping on that page)

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  64. Anonymous3:36 PM

    Weird Al "Amish Paradise"

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  65. Anonymous8:41 PM

    swedish opera. can't go wrong with swedish opera.

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  66. Opera. Or Slim Whitman. Or Captain Kangaroo singing This Old Man.

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  67. Polka. Gotta be polka. With lots of accordions and some serious oom-pah tuba activity on the bass line.
    See if you can video the look on his face when the first notes of Der Lichtensteiner or whatever hits him, then post it for the rest of us. Hoo-rah.

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  68. Anonymous11:55 AM

    christian music will drive him absolutely nuts - you know, the old timey ones like "onward christian soldier". Do you have any idea how much I look forward to reading you each and every day? I'm living in Katy TX in PTA women hell and honestly, you are the one of the highlights of my day!

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  69. rlhcopper11:43 PM

    Someone sent me the link for your JC Penny Catalogue blog and I had to read on. I've had tears in my eyes but this is the best.

    May I suggest Chuck Mangionie's Tijuana Taxi and other great trumpet songs. Speaking from experience this is the only tape my parents had in 1977 to go across Canada. Guaranteed torture.

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  70. Anonymous6:30 PM

    country or keltic would do the trick.

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  71. Try this mod ... it actually works! I'm using it for my Christmas display and it trumped my Sirius reception even up to 60ft. After turning off my Sirius I could still hear the broadcast upto 300 ft.

    http://www.instructables.com/id/Belkin-Tunecast-II-FM-Transmitter-Mod/

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  72. Rip some tracks from a Lawrence Welk CD or an Air Supply album. Better yet get The Brady Bunch tracks and blast them at 100 watts with a direction antenna pointed due backwards.

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  73. Joelle8:08 AM

    Hello, I am one of the many people who received your JC Penny blog post as an email forward and I have to tell you that your blog is one of the funniest I have seen in ages.

    I have one small suggestion for your radio-station-come-revenge...play all those forms of music in random intervals, but you have to start with one particular song for this little F*ck Nut..."Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks...it is a song about a couple of women who decided to take the law into their own hands after one of them was beaten to within an inch of her life by her "good-ol'-boy" husband.

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  74. Anonymous1:22 PM

    Metallica has been suggested. Bluegrass has been suggested. What about a bluegrass-version of Metallica? http://www.amazon.com/Fade-Bluegrass-Tribute-Metallica/dp/B0000CC866

    It is actually hillarious, and greatly recommended. However, some Norwegian death-metal might also do the trick.

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  75. 1960s classical music, like Karlheinz Stockhausen or Luciano Berio. It tends to be severe, difficult stuff.

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