Sometimes I seriously question the ads that google decides to toss up on the side of my blog. I mean, I can see why they would stick weird shit up there given the stuff I normally post about, but still.
Mostly I don't even pay attention to them. However, my buddy Yort apparently does. The other day, he said, "What's up with all the testicles in your google ads?" I had no idea what he was talking about, so I went and checked it out. Sure enough, the first ad was titled "Undescended Testicle" and another for "The Castrator." Even as I type this, there's a generic one over there that says "Scrotum - Huge selection of posters & albums. Search for Scrotum now!" First off, they're probably not my kind of band, second, I'd be scared to see the poster and third, I'm not currently searching for scrotum, now or at any other time in the future, thank you very much.
Anyway, I couldn't just leave the ads sitting over there doing nothing, so I clicked on them. From the first one, I learned that apparently the right herbs can fix the problem, and that another word for it was "empty scrotum" which I guess stands to reason. I'm not sure why, but for some reason that just sounds way more depressing to me. Like if you call them "undescended" at least you know they're in there somewhere. "Empty" just sounds like your scrotum would be all drafty have an echo or something.
I also learned there is something called "retractile testes" which means that sometimes they're there and sometimes they're not. They can retract themselves into the abdomen. On the one hand, it would really suck if you went looking for them and they were off getting a pizza, but on the other hand, as someone who has gotten my fair share of inadvertent and extremely painful nut whacks growing up, this could be amazingly useful. Just think of the possibilities.
Biker dude: "WTF are YOU lookin' at? I'm gonna kick your ass!"
Me: "TESTES UP! TESTES UP!"
On the second ad (which I noticed is no longer there) I learned that there is such a thing as an "EZCastrator." If you're curious, just head on over. This is technically called a "bloodless castator" and there is a reason for that. I will note that in no instance do they refer to it as "painless castrator" and there is a reason for that, too. It consists of claw-like mechanism that allows you to place a very thick, very strong, very small rubber band around an animal's testicles. This cuts off the circulation until the testicles turn black and fall off by themselves. My first thought was, "I wonder what they do with all the shriveled black scrotums littering the yard?"
I know what it feels like to get them kicked, but dammit, this has to be worse -- at least at first. Maybe after they get a little black it's not so bad. They even have a demonstration on the website that uses a brown leather bag full of marbles or something. Even just watching that was uncomfortable.
I know all the guys reading this are squirming right now, and all the girls are thinking "I wonder how much one of those things costs? Are the bands extra? Are they reusable? If I buy two, is the shipping free?"
I'm a crappy salesman, so if you don't yet believe this thing is the greatest, I will now share some actual customer testimonials* from the website. Keep in mind that I am not making these up:
"Wanted to let you know I got the Castrator Thursday. I used it over the weekend and it works great, just what I was looking for. Thanks for the prompt delivery." -- Jimmy Watts
"We received the new castrator today. My, your service is prompt! My husband is already rubbing his hands gleefully, wanting to use it tonight. But, since it is 9:30 at night and -10° F, I think he'll wait until morning. Thanks Again." -- Allison Bohn, 3 Smokes Ranch
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think Allison's husband and ol' Jimmy Watts would really hit it off, although I wouldn't want to be around when they got to drinkin'.
*or teste-monials if you prefer.