Man-servant endures Everyday Insanity

So my wife had her gallbladder out Tuesday, and aside from the fact that her stomach looks like a really white version of 50 Cent's after he got shot up, she's doing OK. I took the week off to play man-servant, and all I can say is, I wish our house didn't have stairs.

I also wish there was no such thing as cooking shows, because the food network is all that has been on the upstairs TV for the last week. It's gotten so bad, I'm having nightmares about Giada De Laurentiis. In my dream, she looks like this:

Hmmm. Actually, even out of my dream she pretty much looks like that.

I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of sentient "MOOT-za-RELL-a" and she is going to dip her giant bobble-head down to the counter and take a gigantic bite out of me with her two rows of 149 perfectly white, razor-sharp teeth. Every time she smiles, she looks like she's checking her teeth for poppy seeds in the bathroom mirror.

I don't know if it's just her humongous insane-person grin that bugs me, or the fact that the cameraman sees fit to show us a close up of her uvula every time she speaks, but I can't take this show for very long. Every time she fellat--, er, tastes something she made I expect her to shuck her clothes, jump on the counter and roll around in it while screaming out the names of random italian foods using a fake, over-the-top italian accent.

Here's some other people I've learned to hate over the last week:

Sandra Lee - I forget the name of her show, but I call her Sandra Low because every single time I see her I wonder if her boobs could get any lower without having to be tucked into her pants. Seriously, who dresses this woman? Yank a little harder on those winches, will ya?

Some grey-haired southern butterball - This woman must have solid butter in her arteries, based on some of the recipes I've seen. Don't know her name, or the name of her show. I just know that she bugs the shit out of me, y'all.

Rachel Ray - Despite the fact that she's almost cute in a Miss-Piggy-meets-The-Joker sort of way and she seems to be the most genuine of the bunch, her voice sounds like it belongs to a 50 year old ex-hooker waitress working the nightshift at a truckstop. I can listen to it for about three minutes, tops.

Staying home for the week wasn't all bad though. I did learn how to make home-made chicken soup, using nothing but my own two hands and the instructions that periodically came out of the magic walkie-talkie. Oh, and I used some chicken and stuff. I didn't actually make soup out of my hands. I'm sure it would be tasty and flavorful, but it would make it really hard to type.


  1. Paul Dean is the name of the Southern woman. and when she makes a salad, the first ingredient is "buttah'"


  2. Her name is Paul?? That's effed up. I was watching one of her shows and asked my wife, "What's OLE?" You know, like olive ole or vegetable ole...

  3. Anonymous5:41 PM

    PaulA Dean.

    sorry 'bout that.

  4. I cant stand the Palua deloarentiz show, because it is shot like a porno for some reason. Lots of fuzzy closeups.

    The only show to watch is Iron chef, and not the american one either. Anything else is weak.

    Bono is Brian Peppers!

  5. Anonymous7:54 PM

    I hope your wife is feeling OK! I'm glad you have man servant skills.

  6. I would almost endure having a gallbladder out to get some manservant action around here! It's can't be much worse than my C-section. Hope your wifey is feeling better.

  7. Anonymous5:36 AM

    So you're making your wife watch these daytime cookshows to help her feel better?Or you're watching them because it's part of your manservant job spec?

  8. SHE is watching them. I am just taking friendly fire. At the very least, there better be a good recipe in it for me.

  9. Back the fuck off of Rachael. She's just trying to deliver good meals in under 30 minutes. That ain't easy.

    You're dead-on about Giada. I think she's hot until she flashes those enlarged chicklets and then she weirds me out. And she reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, so I start yelling at te TV "How could you leave me, Giada? How?"

  10. Best wishes on the speedy recovery of your wife! Having done the man servant thing, I feel your pain. Cudos to you for taking it on. As to the Food Network, there are only two chefs worth watching IMHO, Emeril and Molto Mario. I've prepared many of Emeril's recipies and NEVER been less than impressed. Keep fighting the good fight!


  11. Giada was on the Today show this morning hawking Italian chocolates. Tramp.

    And, I am afraid of Paula Dean,
    I once saw her make a TurDucken. She boned a turkey, duck, and chicken, and assembled them inside one another with the most revolting green (sage) stuffing between each layer of meat. It was horrible.

  12. wow - that's young for a gall bladder op - hope she feels better soon.

    Still - could be worse. My mother went for the naturopathic gall stone cure. Instead of an op you drink 3 pints of olive oil mixed with lemon juice and then pass the stones. Ouch. The rest of the time you stick to a totally fat free diet. No buttah ever. Ouch.

  13. I know you didn't just make fun of those shows on Food Network. I watch all of them. You are fine.

    I agree, though, Giada's head is abnormaly large and she is annoying in a lot of ways. However, I'm torn sometimes because the food she makes always looks really good.

  14. Giada is a godess, and I won't hear a bad word about her! I have met her and she is damn near perfect, in every way. She has a wonderful smile!