I walked over to the soda machine today, and on the counter next to the machine was a small stash of leftover Halloween candy. One of the candies caught my eye because it was orange. Since I'm a Reese's peanut butter cup whore, I checked it out. No such luck. However, buried under these sour candies that tasted exactly like bathroom cleaning chemicals smell (yes, I tried one) I found a small piece of my childhood. When I moved the pile of misleading orange crap out of the way, I found these:
I couldn't believe my eyes. I had no idea they even still made them. I quickly snagged the two packages that were left, and felt like I just won the lottery. Who can forget First it's Candy, Then it's Gum! This was going to be great.
I got them back to my desk and examined my stash more closely. These were the tiny little Halloween packs, so I was disappointed to see that each pack held exactly two Razzles. I quickly opened one and popped two in my mouth, and was instantly transported back to the days of my -- no. Sweet Jesus. What is this? This was not the delicious, heaven sent joy of my youth. This was a bullet train to Gag Central Station.
Clearly, something was wrong with these Razzles. Not only did they have the taste and chalk-like consistency of fruit-flavored Tums, they seemed to be made entirely of sugar.
They crumbled in my mouth, and a battle of my oral reflexes erupted. First it's Candy, Then it's Gum! The problem here is that once you chew them and they disintegrate in your mouth, you have all you can do to not swallow them. I kept trying to think about the "then it's gum!" part, but it was too difficult. I had a mouthful of sugary spit, and my tongue was doing a mad dance trying to identify and separate each little piece of chalky remnant from the sweet puddle. What I really needed to do was spit this mouthful of shit into a coffee filter. That was the only way I was getting any gum out of this.
I stopped struggling against my body's natural instincts and just swallowed it.
The drawback to doing this, of course, is that it becomes gum in a place you really can't thoroughly enjoy gum.
Hmmm. Now I was sick to my stomach. This whole Razzle experience, while extremely unpleasant, warranted further exploration. Luckily, I had a second pack. The scientific method has never failed me. I would get to the bottom of this, but it would have to wait.
When I got home, I took the remaining two Razzles out of their package, and examined them closely. As you can see here, they haven't changed at all over the years:
These two happened to be blue, and I believe this signifies that they were the flavor "Blue" which is a favorite of kids all over the world.
I flipped them over, and could see from the stress cracks and chips that they had the consistency of dried plaster. Using a microscope, I was able to identify and isolate the major ingredients:
That's right. 99.97% pure blue sugar, and just .03% actual gum molecules. It's no wonder the magical transformation was so difficult to accomplish.
I was determined, however. As God is my witness, I would turn this candy into gum. I am nothing if not a modern-day alchemist.
I swallowed a bunch of times, used a paper towel to soak up any excess moisture in my mouth, and I popped them in. I chewed quickly, breathing through my nose. They were indeed blue flavor. One of my favorites.
Once they were properly masticated, I allowed a small amount of saliva to enter the chamber (yes, I have that kind of control. I'm a scientist, after all) and Eureka!
I had gum.
Granted, it was completely devoid of flavor, and it had the texture and consistency of candle wax, but it was gum -- A massive quantity of gum:
From my experiments, I have determined that you would have to eat about 40 Razzles at once to get the equivalent of a single piece of bubble gum. By that time, you would be in a sugar coma, and blue dye would be leaching through your cheek skin.
So needless to say, Razzles are no longer on my "Best Candies of My Childhood" list. I cannot believe I used to eat these disgusting chunks of sugar-chalk. Seriously, Tums taste better. I also spent the better part of a half hour spitting out little tiny pieces of something that looked like blue plastic.
Be sure to tune in next week, when we determine exactly what you are ingesting when you eat wax lips.
I don't know how this is even allowed by law, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be actual wax.