False Advertising

I stopped in today and absolutely nobody was kissing balls.

I guess the 24th was the last day.


  1. my wife must not have been working the day you were in there. far as I know the special is still going on.

  2. Ah ok. Maybe it's the two-for-one special that ended.

  3. We had a kissing ball in my home, but the truth is, those fuckers are far too dangerous for ordinary consumption.

    Last year, after I had hung it up, I positioned my husband beneath it by telling him to take a few steps back, to the left, etc. After he was stationed within the doorway, and directly beneath the Kissing Ball (o' doom), I told him to close his eyes and then, FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON, I decided it would be romantic to deliver the holiday kiss at mach 3. I am convinced to this day that the Kissing Ball (o' doom) put the notion into my head.

    I backed up, got a running start, and far from delivering an enthusiastic embrace upon him, I managed to somehow knee him in the groin, elbow him in the neck and headbutt him directly in the nose with my forehad ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Pro wrestlers can't deliver that much damage with three weeks' of practice.

    Now, when I hang up the mistletoe, (no more Kissing Balls for us), and beckon to him enticingly from beneath its holiday cheer, my husband advances towards me in a sideways crab-shuffle with one hand held protectively over his crotch and the other raised like a quarterback blocking a tackle just in case.

  4. Reminds me of a local hotel that advertises special rates for "peepers" during the fall foliage season.