12/13/05

Christmas Wishes

Anyone who knows me knows that I just love to hear what the people in Hollywood have to say on every topic from politics to world hunger. In fact, I wouldn't know what to do or how to act if it wasn't for the opinions of my favorite stars. With that in mind, here are a few things I would love to hear my close friends in the movie and music industries say this holiday season:

The Dixie Chicks - "You know what, you guys? We finally, like, understand how the first amendment actually works. Linda Ronstadt explained it to us. You're not going to believe this, but it doesn't actually mean we can say anything we want without fear of repercussions or consequences. It just means that we can say anything we want without fear of repercussions or consequences from the government. Yeah, I know! Linda didn't know either at first."

George Clooney - "Hey guys, I'm just an actor. What the hell do I really know about politics anyway? Think about it -- my job is to memorize and parrot back words written by other people. How mentally taxing can that really be? In another time, we'd all be jesters and jugglers."

Sean Penn & Bono -
Penn: "We talked it over, and we just would like to say that we're sorry we act like total douchebags most of the time. We realize we have this messiah-complex thing going on, but we'll try harder in the coming year."

Bono: "Seriously, I am God. It's not a complex."

Penn [clears throat]: "Like I said, we'll try, but no promises. I have anger management issues. No! Jesus, Bono! Get the hell away from my microphone! No, I'm not done yet - You are such a DICK. You know, I should kick your ass for that, you pretentious, one-named asshole."

Bono: "Do not make me smite thee."

Penn: "Come get some."

[fighting sounds erupt]
Michael Moore - "I think this year I will make an actual documentary. One that doesn't use misleading edits to distort the facts and push my simple-minded agenda. I think I will also cut down to one box of doughnuts a day. No, really. That should be easy. A piece of cake. Hey, did someone mention cake?"

Rosie O'Donnell - "Yes, I realize that some people think I'm a fat, abrasive, loudmouth lesbian with an opinion on everything, regardless of whether I actually know something about it or not. In the coming year, I will try harder to be a fat, abrasive, loudmouth lesbian who keeps my mouth shut if I have no effing idea what I'm talking about."

Barbara Streisand - "This is the year I move to Europe. I promise. Really. I'm going. I swear. Jeeves, bring my mobile pooper around and take me to the airport."

Ben Affleck - "This year, I will make a really good movie. I will never again make another really bad movie just for the money. I will also be very careful to not date any women with names that could be easily joined to "Ben" by the tabloids, because that's just plain annoying for everyone."

Tom Cruise - "I renounce that crazy-assed religion I belonged to, and challenge Travolta to a duel -- to the death."

I'm not holding my breath here, but one can hope, right?

11 comments:

  1. I wish those stars would say something along those lines, too.

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  2. This is fantastic!!! Especially Michael Moore. God I hate that guy. I will ask you to kindly lay off my Benjamin, though. He is fabulous no matter what.

    Um...did you see the South Park episode on Monday about Scientology? It was effing FANTASTIC!!! All I'll say is that Tom Cruise spent the majority of the episode hiding in Stan's closet, and the whole show people were like, "Tom, just come out of the closet. Everyone knows you're in there so just come on, Tom-it's time to come out of the closet." I gave myself a hernia from laughing.

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  3. I'd like to see the Travolta-Cruise duel.

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  4. Anonymous3:28 PM

    Wow. I think I am in love.
    Johnny Virgil for President!

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  5. I'd like to hear the stars say something like this, "Nah, this gun ain't even loaded." I'd like that to be the last thing they said

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  6. JV this has got to be one of my favorite post's of yours EVAH. Oh dear Lord how I loathe those people. A Cruise-Travolta duel would be worth getting on Pay-per-View.

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  7. My favorite JV post was "Quiz Time" from a wee bit back.

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  8. I think Bono really said those things, though.

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  9. I think I will have to go back and edjumicate John. That can't be his favorite. Maybe I'll do a 'favorite posts' section like some other bloggers I've seen....

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  10. I think you and I would get along quite nicely. Yessir.

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  11. "My job is to memorize and parrot back words written by other people. How mentally taxing can that really be?" Except that IS, in a lot of cases, a politician as well as an actor. So...George for prez?

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