5/20/05

Meat cube of love

For a while, it seemed like all the fast food places were on a health kick. Even McDonald’s had a low fat menu. Leave it to Wendy’s to buck the trend. Lately I've been seeing an ad for this new burger they’re selling, the Classic Triple, a.k.a. the “Beefasaurus Rex.” Truly, a beef lover's delight.

The underpinings of this monstrosity consist of a solid, 3-inch-high cube of beef.

I actually laughed out loud the first time I saw the commercial. I can’t even imagine ordering one of these heart stoppers, let alone actually eating one. Given how much cheap ground beef shrinks up when you cook it, each of those frozen patties has to start out about the size of Stephen King's last hard cover.

The weirdest thing -- to me, at least -- is the way they chose to build it. It’s not like they start off with a patty of meat, then a layer of lettuce, then another patty, then pickles…then meat, then tomatoes.....no way. That's too much work. Instead, they start this thing with three solid back-to-back slabs of meat, stacked up like the rolls on the back of a fat dude’s neck. Everything else is piled on top, like the afterthought that it actually is. This thing is All About The Meat, baby.

At first I was wondering about the three-patty thing, but then I figured it out. I think it actually has to be three separate patties by necessity, because if it were a single slab, it would still be raw and cold in the center when the outside was charred to a crisp. Given the quality of their beef to begin with, that's a sure recipe for a cozy night in the shitter. I might have to try one, just to say I did, but….I'm probably not that brave. That’s just too much meat for a normal human to digest. Even one like me who eats at superhuman speed.

Also for your enjoyment, two idiot people who have pissed me off in the last couple of weeks:

Elevator guy: So I’m riding up from the first floor after lunch, and just before the doors shut, some guy hits the button, and they open up again, and he gets on. Whenever someone does this, the elevator gets pissed, and lets out this loud buzzing sound that instantly rips through your nerve endings like a blowtorch through a chainlink fence. He couldn't just wait for the next one. That’s strike number one against this tool. Strike number two: He pushes the button for the second floor. Goddammit, walk up a flight of stairs. It won’t kill you.

Strike number three is the big one.

As he is stepping off the elevator on the second floor, this inconsiderate effer lets out an ENORMOUS fart, just as the doors slide closed behind him. I couldn’t believe it. So I had to ride up three more floors in a cloud of this dude’s post-lunch ass gas, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, except take shallow breaths through my mouth. The worst part was, I didn’t even recognize the guy, so I couldn’t track him down and "thank" him. I mean, what goes through the head of someone who does this? He couldn’t sphincter up for another 3 seconds until he cleared the elevator? Jesus.

Early morning delivery woman: Three times in the last week while I was driving to work, I’ve seen this incredibly stupid woman driving down the wrong side of the road, stuffing flyers or newspapers or some other trash into mailboxes. She does this by driving into oncoming traffic. I, for one, don’t appreciate a 6 am double-shot of adrenaline as I register the headlights of an oncoming car that appears to be heading directly at me. Trust me, that shit will wake you up fast.

Here’s a couple tips for you, lady – get your wide ass up a little earlier so that you’re not doing this during the morning rush. Also, don’t give me dirty looks like it’s MY job to avoid YOU, just because you think it’s ok to just throw the most basic of traffic laws right out your car window. YOU are on the wrong side, which also happens to be MY side, so shove your indignant looks right into the next mailbox in line and get the hell off the road. If you absolutely MUST do this shit during my morning commute, go buy a used mailtruck so you can drive like the rest of the people in this country. Badly, but mostly in the right direction.

Idiot.

I feel better now. Blogs are the best therapy.

9 comments:

  1. I believe they call that burger, "Mt Meatmore". No, really. They do.

    I will never order a Mt. Meatmore extra value meal, and no, I don't want that super-sized.

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  2. Isn't it already super-sized?

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  3. I hate it when, in an elevator, someone lets one out before I got in so that when the next person gets on at another floor they think I did it!

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  4. Isn't illegal to stuff shit in mailboxes if you aren't a USPS worker?

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  5. yep,it's illegal, but people do it anyway.

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  6. Wait...isnt it illegal to drive on the wrong side of the road?!

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  7. Elevator farters are passive agressive. Or maybe he just could not contain that Mt. Meatmore for a single second longer.

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  8. Anonymous12:48 AM

    ok i am about 1 year and 3 months too late, but cut me some slack i just recently became addicted tothis blog i previously did not see how blogs became such a hit, i now understand, but back to my reason for commenting, you have to see th elevator guys side of the story how much more funny is it if he tlls the story, " man you should have been there at work to day i almost missed the elevator and as soon as i get in this guy gives me the ugliest look, good thing i had wendys for lunch i hit floor two and drop a classic triple with cheese cloud right as i leave the elevator, that'll teach him to glare, bonus imagine him try to explain it away when someone gets in on the next floor, 'i promise it was the guy who got off on the 2nd floor' totally worth waiting for another elevator on floor 2"....I'm just saying

    Mikey

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  9. Eureka! Johnny, we WERE separated at birth! (time-travel permitting) See, I eat my food like a vacuum cleaner ingests hairballs, which is why they call me "the hoover." (I picked up on your minor detail and ran with it - proud of me, aren'cha. *beams*)

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