Deer Internet,

I have to write this quickly, before they find me out. They're out there, right beyond the wire, waiting for their chance. If they knew the fence was down, if they even suspected it, it would be all over. They'd be on me like flies on shit.

All week long I have been unable to get on the internet with my pathetic dial-up connection, and tonight I finally figured out why. It's the deer. Those oversized, flower-eating forest rats have cut me off from the internet.

How, you ask? Let me tell you.

They couldn't just live and let live -- no they had to get in my shit. They forced me to put up an electric fence to keep them out of my wife's garden, and now the fence is interfering with my phone lines. The only way I can connect to the internet is when the fence is down, so I have to write this quickly, before they realize things are wide open. If word gets out, there could be a riot in the yard.

Last year, they destroyed about $500 bucks worth of flowers. Chewed them right to the ground. So far, these deer have cost me about a grand, and a ton of inconvenience. First the flowers, and then this fence, and now my goddamn internet connection. They're taking it all, piece by piece. By this time next year, they plan to be living in our house, watching our TV and drinking my Guinness.

Over my dead body. Yeah, I know they were here first. I'll be here last.



  1. can't you use...I dunno...wolf urine? or something?

  2. Thank you for the morning laugh! This was hilarious!

  3. "fucking oversized, flower-eating forest rats"

    You complete me. AND there are certain plants that will keep them away that your wife-piece can put in the garden. I will research for you. Trust me, I live on a 1400 acre farm, those hairy-assed nazi fuckers are all over the place.

  4. I think every post should end with "fuckers". It just kinda says it all.

  5. ...they'll be playing your x-box, too, damn them!!

  6. Get off your ass, start up that laith of yours and fasion a giant oak spear. Then drive the speak right through their cold, dark deer hearts.

  7. Very funny--I loved it BUT--do you have cable?
    I treated myself to a cable connection last year and can't say enough good about it.
    If you alredy have cable it's not too expensive.
    DSL is okay, but not as fast as cable.

  8. I tried the plants they don't like -- they bit them off and spit them out. I tried the smelly stuff, and my whole back yard smelled like rotten eggs and garlic. I tried fox piss, and it didn't mix well with the scent of rotten eggs and garlic. If I could get cable, or DSL, I'd be all over it. There isn't enough density for the cable company to make any money, and I'm too far away from the switch for DSL. My only other option is 2-way satellite. And that means cutting trees down for a "clear line of sight to the southern horizon." Right now my TV is dish network. Sometimes the boonies suck.

  9. the rest of the time the boonies are just really really mediocre

  10. Why don't you just get a nice compound bow and eat venison year round?