I know that drinking this stuff is bad for me, but sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk and 2 pm rolls around, it's either drink one of these caffeinated sugar bombs or start stabbing myself repeatedly in the thigh with a ballpoint pen just so my forehead doesn't bounce off my desk. It has almost 200 milligrams of caffeine, and a bunch of other ingredients I can't pronounce and certainly don't need. I buy it because it's only one of two energy drinks they sell in the vending machine, and it has twice the caffeine of the smaller red bull for the same price.
There are multiple problems with this stuff, not the least of which is that it costs at least two bucks a can. For two bucks, I can get twenty four 200mg caffeine tablets at the dollar store, and they don't smell like cat pee and make me piss like a racehorse every ten minutes for an hour. Unfortunately, becoming a pill popper brings you face to face with your addiction, and I'm not quite ready to embrace that reality.
So yesterday afternoon, I decided to forgo my Taurine, Ginseng, Guarana, L-Carnitine, L-Arginine-laced poison and go with something healthier. Besides, the irony of an energy drink that is supposed to make you feel good but has a clearly damaged skull as its logo is not lost on me.
I scanned the vending machine and wasn't in the mood for expired milk, so my only other option was this:
Yeah, it looks like a urine sample, but it can't be that bad for you, right? I got about half way through it and decided to look at what was in Dole "100% Juice." I figured it was from concentrate and I wasn't wrong, but I did get a surprise.
After reading that, I didn't finish it. Concentrate from ten different countries? Holy crap. Looking at that list, I probably wouldn't even drink the water from seven out of the ten. Seriously, why would Pepsico need to get apple concentrate from China? Although I suppose it probably is pretty cheap to get juice from apples grown in the composted shit piles of a thousand peasants. Once you chip off the lead coating, I mean.
I also like how Pepsico basically disavows any responsibility for your shriveled kidneys by informing you that it's manufactured by "independent producers" under "license." They're basically telling you that you're on your own here and that they sell the Dole logo to anyone who can put some apple flavored liquid in a bottle and give them their cut of the profits.
From now on I guess I'll just have to stick to vodka.
Also, here's my coolest Christmas present (from my wife) in action:
(No, I didn't drink it, but I like to imagine that it tastes like green apple jolly ranchers.)