11/28/07

My needs according to internet marketers.


Judging by my bulk mail folder, my need for a new wristwatch is apparently much greater than my need for a bigger penis.

I think that's good, right?

Unless they all just got together and decided, "Well, there's obviously no hope for this guy in the dangle department. Let's at least try to help him remember when his favorite TV shows are on."


43 comments:

  1. What time is it? Time to enlarge your penis.

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  2. Well, JV, I get as many "get a bigger penis" emails as you do wristwatch emails...I'm becoming a bit disturbed.

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  3. Well as my Uncle Earl said, "He bought a self winding watch so when he jerked off he always knew the time was right."

    I think that was just about one month before Aunt Edna moved out.

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  4. Nope.

    Your penis needs a watch.

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  5. I don't get any emails like that. I am jealous!

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  6. "Watches" are the new "hang down".

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  7. Thinking about this a little further, I must say that I have seen a whole lots of penises in my life. No not because I am a trashy whore, but because of a job that I used to have. I have come to the conclusion that if there is in fact a god, he is one cruel MF'er. I have seen men who have two belly buttons instead of one belly button and one penis. If I were one of these men, I would be responding to every damn one of those emails, and I probably would already have a good watch.

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  8. i dont get the penis or watch mail i get stock tips and breast enlargement cream, which dont understand, my breast are quite large for a man my age

    Mikey

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  9. I apparently want a big penis and surprisingly free money from Nigeria.

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  10. i think the watchis 4 ur penis, since its so big it will be goin on dates n all....

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  11. Great. According to my needs I'm giving birth to puppies sometime soon but not at a puppy mill, perhaps Nigeria.

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  12. I get loads of those penis emails.

    And the only dicks I have access to are of the borrowed sort.

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  13. I'm more concerned about the adrenal bacillus on your baseboards. You might want to have that shit looked at by a professional.

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  14. Prodigious dick for Vera. Clearly Vera was the one writing the ad, intent on reaping all the benefits single-handedly. And while you're already using the high-brow word dick, Vera, why muck it up with prodigious? Even generous would do. Boggles the mind...

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  15. i dont get the penis or watch mail i get stock tips and breast enlargement cream, which dont understand, my breast are quite large for a man my age

    And I never get anything about breast enlargement cream, but I do get plenty of penis ads. When in fact, it might be nice to have more than a mouthful, but I have no desire for a penis at all.

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  16. I get those, but I get more for remodeling my kitchen and direct tv. Apparently they know I don't have any use for a larger penis right now and just need to focus on other things. It's like they're watching us.

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  17. I've been reading your blog since the JCPenney catalog fiasco. Thanks for making me laugh. (Incidentally, my junk mail deals almost entirely with prescription drugs... hmmmm).

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  18. My e-mails are generally for cialis or viagra or for getting a college education online. Neither interests me.

    I think these people need a new business model. They are singularly ineffective in reaching the right customers.

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  19. kristina4:23 PM

    Hmmm... my junk emails are mostly for shoes. Do you think teh intrawebs can see in my closet?

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  20. Mikey5:18 PM

    rachel i believe the brreast enlargment cream could facilitate in the acquiing of larger penis
    Mikey

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  21. Mikey5:18 PM

    rachel i believe the brreast enlargment cream could facilitate in the acquiing of larger penis
    Mikey

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  22. This post made me go check my junk mail......apparently I need to lose weight, take out a loan, and get some better ringtones for my phone....

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  23. Wow. I've never received a watch offer... but I don't wear a watch, so its okay. I've been receiving Viagra ads for years, and I don't have a penis either.

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  24. Well now that you mention it I apparently need a penis help according to them, I just checked.. except I have a vagina. Hm.. That's a problem huh?

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  25. House of suz's comment is RIDICULOUS funny.

    So was this post.

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  26. I checked my junk mail.

    Apparently, I need a job, a date, and a loan.

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  27. My junk mail contains all of the above...and I almost never open my bulk mail folder, just hit "empty." I did notice a decrease in my spam after that guy in Washington was arrested, but sadly, someone has taken his place or he's out on bond.

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  28. If you enlarge your penis big enough, you can purchase a couple of watches for it!

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  29. Suz, what time is it? It's business time. Right after I sort the recycling.

    Sassy, don't turn your back on them. They will enlarge you.

    Scoop, Your uncle was a wise man. Edna just didn't know how to keep good time.

    Bill, ANOTHER one? I'm running out of room down there.

    Nicole, you clearly are not trying hard enough. And you were an altar boy? Who knew.

    Mikey, my watch is pretty nice too. Maybe it's time for an upgrade.

    Carp, In nigeria, big junk is like currency. So you're fine.

    Steph - Prodigious. Has a nice ring to it. I think I will try work that into every conversation I have.

    Badger, I opened that one up. It said:

    adverb backward attendant
    baccalaureate autograph
    arum backstop bastard almost

    So now I'm really worried.

    Lisa marie, it made me check my junk too. No wait...

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  30. Silverstar12:40 AM

    Most of my junk mail is in Russian, so I have no idea what they are trying to sell me.

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  31. Apparently, I need fake watches and \/IAGRA. And plenty of lottery wins to buy these.

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  32. warcrygirl7:55 PM

    I've been getting lots of junk mail for weight loss and online college education offers. Apparently, they think I'm fat and stupid.

    Fuckers.

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  33. People with prodigious dicks really need a good grasp of the passage of time.

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  34. It's time for more Cialis, apparently!

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  35. Bill S.2:16 PM

    Another arrival from the JCPenney tsunami here. I don't get good emails like those. Where do I sign-up?

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  36. Fraoichín6:59 AM

    I'm with badger - that baseboard bacillus sounds worse than radon!

    In addition to the ads for watches and enlargement for organs I don't have (being female), I get ads for dating for people over 40 - despite the fact that I'm still only 35, and have a boyfriend.

    Regarding your 11/23 entry, I thought I was the only person who remembered "Baa Baa Black Sheep" ... I wasn't really the one who watched it (dad was) but I still definitely remember the opening credits. Thanks for the memories.

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  37. GREAT blog. You may want to think about putting your blog URL at the end of every entry so when people email your blogs they know where to find you. I just had to google "JC Penny 1977 strap in old barrels" to find you.

    Anyhoo...enjoyed it. Thanks!

    Bex

    www.rqmitchell.blogspot.com

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  38. Maybe they want you to work on your "timing" in that department.

    ;)

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  39. I wonder what kind of random name generator they use...

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  40. You got a great mind .... keep it up.
    Or maybe the watch is needed to remind you to take the penis-enlargement drugs.

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  41. Well that sucks because apparently not only do I REALLY need a bigger penis, but also pills to keep it harder.

    And I'm a girl.

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