Holy crap. If I were a child and saw this monstrosity floating down the street directly at me, I think I would immediately shit myself and then start screaming "PLEASE DON'T LET IT EAT ME! PLEASE DON'T LET IT EAT ME!"
Seriously, just look at this thing:
It looks like it should have a Honda Civic in one hand and a dozen screaming children in the other. I thought this next shot really conveyed the complete and utter horror:
There is clearly evil in those eyes. Every time I look at that picture, this is what I see:
He likes the heads best because they're crunchy.
I didn't watch the parade, but yes, that is pretty scary. Did you know that Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald? I waited on him once when I was working at an IHOP in Virginia. He left me a $1 tip.
ReplyDeleteClowns are scary.
ReplyDeleteAnd so are McD's fries. I can literally feel my arteries clog every time I eat the stuff.
Given the position of Ronald's left hand, I think he could carry a bucket full of terrified children. Maybe next year.
ReplyDelete"Pull my finger, or I'll eat your children."
ReplyDeleteI'm the silent reader...but never post a comment type of person. Wanted you to know though - this is funny as hell.
ReplyDeleteRonald is not as scarey as the Burger King-that guy freaks me out BIG TIME!!! Thank the Lord above for not having a float of him...I'd still be hiding under my bed!
ReplyDeleteIt's almost worse than the creepy Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble eating toasted marshmallows for years without thinking of exploding marshmallows after watching Ghostbusters.
Wonder what color goo Ronald would spew if you torched him? I'm thinking orange.
I've always wondered about Ronald and The Burger King -do you think they drive Chester vans? Honestly, they dress up like goofballs and romp around with little kids. Tell me they are not Chesters. Freaks.
Oh, and JV - love your stories. Everyone has a story; few have the gift to bring them to life and tell them well. You have the gift. Keep writing.
~Jane
I don't know, JV...
ReplyDeleteThat outstretched finger in pictures 1 and 2 screams Overzealous Proctologist rather than Honda-Carrying-Child-Eating Cannibal.
That seems like the REAL nightmare, doesn't it?
He looks hungry and we do have a "no child left behind" law these days...
ReplyDeleteWhich is worse, McD's eating our kids or our kids eating McD's? BARF!
ReplyDeleteFunny post!
Venkman: "Ray? What did you do, Ray?"
ReplyDeleteRay: [with despairing resignation] "It's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man."
Too bad they didn't have a standing Mayor McCheese to get behind him and do so simultated balloon sex, that would have at least been funny.
ReplyDeleteHis trip to Earth the night before...
ReplyDeletepic 1, pic 2
I totally forgot about[url=http://bratsroom.blogspot.com/2007/06/my-mcboys.html]this post[/url] on my blog, of my youngest freaking out about a Ronald McDonald statue. So I suppose that if he saw this huge one, he would probably climb my body like playground equipment and beg me to save him.
ReplyDeleteDamn it, I cannot figure out how to post a link in a comment, I know it's possible. Someone please tell me how!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is one scary looking dude!! I don't think I ever would have touched a Big Mac if I'd seen that as a child. Hmmmm maybe its not so terrible after all.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 11 I was compelled (meaning, forced against my will, not overcome with the desire) to go to a small Shriner's circus in Delaware. (My grandfather was a small Shriner.) He was also a photographer, who thought it would be a hilarity to take my picture nose to nose with a real live clown.
ReplyDeleteI. Freaking. Hate. Clowns. But I did it for Pop-Pop. The clown made a big fuss. I barely repressed the urge to beat him with a chair. To this day every time I see one I have an irrational fear that they will invade my personal space and I will be powerless to stop them.
All I can say is this: http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a117/Stufsocker/Stuff/balloon7.jpg
ReplyDeleteIt's a whole different kind of balloon from that angle.
Just another example of why clowns should be outlawed.. or just collected and thrown onto an island together. *shudder*
ReplyDeleteOMG. I DID watch the parade, with my kids, and I had the exact same reaction to that balloon. My kids, however, failed to grok Teh Horror. That's because they've never read It, and because I got rid of all my ICP memorabilia before they were born. Mom of the year? I think so.
ReplyDeleteJesus Christ...I hate clowns. I have serious irrational fear of clowns and balloons. This has both in one huge creepy package.
ReplyDeleteLMAO...McKid combo comes with fries and sweet & sour sauce for dipping. Simply delicious!
Thanks for the post.
Kate
I have no fear of clowns, but a good number of them are freaky. I'm a little perplexed by the angle of Ronald as a balloon, however. He's on all fours?? WTH?
ReplyDeleteIs it me, or does this parade get lamer and lamer every year? I sat there and laughed so hard as they did a few moments of the Broadway musical "Xanadu". How much intelligence does it take to LIP SYNCH?
ReplyDeleteTo me, Clowns (no matter who or what they represent) are more annoying than anything.
Maybe the tradition of watching this every year should go to the way side...but then again, I enjoyed the laugh.
Okay, I have now read your blog from start to finish. I don't mean this post, or what shows up on the startup page; I mean from the first post back in '05 to the present. Yeah, I arrived on the good ship JC Penney, but I'm staying. If you recently saw some anonymous comments sprinkled throughout some really old posts, that was me. It's like you're in my head man. The way your stories of childhood hit home - I'm the Snitch in our family. I even became a lawyer like your Snitch, and my older brother is in the computer tech industry. We didn't have a Houdini, so we had to use the neighbor kid. Anyway, loved the read; you should write a book, kind of a coming of age thing. I'll see you in the comments section.
ReplyDeleteLMFAO! This is why so many people are afraid of clowns! They're creepy!
ReplyDeleteDamn, it's a good thing there wasn't some sudden downdraft or Ronald would've scared the bejeesus out of a crowd of onlookers. It would be like the space shuttle blowing up. Sheer terror.
ReplyDeleteI missed the parade...and now I am GLAD I did.
ReplyDeleteWow.
That was upsetting!
I saw the parade and know what you mean! I don't like clowns- period... They are creepy!
ReplyDeleteRonald looks more like he's throwing up the body. I don'd know, maybe it's just me.
ReplyDeleteCruiser, I can see that happening in all its horrific detail. That giant red mouth scraping the pavement, scooping up people and cars, the arms flailing around and knocking windows out of buildings. Man, I hate that thing.
ReplyDeleteK2, that first link is freaking me right out. There are other gods than Thang. (name that reference)
IMA, search my blog for an entry called "I did not sign up for this" -- I think you are right.
JB, I can't go near the crap myself. Although once, I could put away 9 MCD cheeseburgers for lunch.
Suz, you're right. I pictured the body more falling out rather than being forcefully ejected, but I can see that. Ronald might be bulimic.
Damn that's a big clown. The person dangling from the mouth was a nice touch.
ReplyDeletethelamont.blogspot.com
EB, I'm thinking about something along those lines.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally creeped out by clowns. They all look like they are watching lil kids to do unspeakable things to them.
ReplyDeletePennywise, anyone? Ronald McDonald is his inbred brother!
I always figured that Ronnie liked a little head now and then.
ReplyDeleteI think the true demise of clowns started with John Wayne Gacey. People started seeing pictures of him all dressed up as a clown and Voila! Clowns became evil. It’s sad really. I kind of like real old fashioned clowns in a nostalgic kind of way. I had a neighbor named “Smokin Joe” who was a retired clown from Barnibum Bailey’s circus. Nice guy and a hell of a character. He could smoke like a chimney, hold his liquor and tell great stories. The drinking and smoking part made me know he was the real deal and not some creep like Gacey. He’d go down to the Boise River, catch a couple fish and trade some for tomatoes out of my garden. Too bad that it’s so politically correct to vilify clowns…but that Ronald McDonald float and especially the Burger King dude make the hair on my neck stand up. Smokin Joe wouldn’t have anything to do with those evil creations.
ReplyDeleteJV, you're freaking hilarious! I've been with you since the pre-JCP days and you just keep getting better & better. Write a book, will ya!
ReplyDeleteI have floatphobia.
ReplyDeleteSeriously creepy, but the Burger King guy scares me more...
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me laugh out loud. The last picture just got me. Thanks I needed that this morning more than you'll ever know.
ReplyDeletewhy is he in sex position?
ReplyDeletethat gross.
You know, if you do a search for Ronald McDonald on Google and look through the images, there are some seriously disturbing images. =P I think this collection fits right in with the best of them.
ReplyDeleteOooh yes, me too, me too. I hate clowns; they're scary.
ReplyDeleteRonald McDonald is especially scary because he encourages my kids to eat fried garbage. Although we do happily support his House.
Lynndeepoo,
ReplyDeleteYou have inadvertently made my day. When I read "Barnibum Bailey’s circus" I cracked up and then immediately thought that would be a hilarious title for a short story, which then proceeded to appear, fully formed, in my head.
Looks like a giant rubber sex doll, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteGreat, this pic is going to give me major night terrors!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope you enjoy comics:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.drmcninja.com/mcdonalds.html
Because if that doesn't hit on everything you posted about, I don't know what does.
JV,
ReplyDeleteGlad my lousy spelling of "Barnibum Bailey" made your day. My 17 year old changed the background color so I am typing red on black. This time her Goth has gotten way out of hand. Somtimes my eyes just hurt so bad I forget to do the spellcheck thing. But in this case I don't think it would have helped. How does one spell the name of said circus anyways? Just one last comment: All the evil Ronald McDonalds in the world will never negate the fact the McDonalds still has the best cup of coffee in town. And you can get it served quickly WITHOUT having to wait for some ditz to make a Latte-Grande Blah Blah Blah.
absolutely hilarious!
ReplyDeleteTotally terrifying--for sure. My 4year old son was absolutely traumatized!
ReplyDeleteomg...lol he IS scary!
ReplyDeleteRonald has always been frightening to me ... as a child and as an adult.
ReplyDelete-J
This is the reason McDonalds no longer does those horrible birthday parties where Ronald actually shows up. As a child of the 80's I, and sadly all of my invited classmates, were scarred by his very scary visit. Now, the only birthday activity I hold at Mcdonalds is the annual morning-after hangover purchasing of the Big Mac. Depressing.
ReplyDeleteCara,
ReplyDeleteToo darn funny that you wrote that.
I decided to quit drinking after a hangover Big Mac. Every drunk has to hit a low, and that was it for me. Haven't had a drink OR a Big Mac in over 12 years. Don't know if it was the tequila or the Big Mac that made me see the proverbial light. Probably the Big Mac...I suspect however that subliminally it was Ronald that scared me sober.
I don't know if he looks like he wants to eat the children as much as he looks like a sex predator wanting to do things to the kiddies. In either case, very frightening.
ReplyDeleteCrunchy but with a yummy creamy filling.
ReplyDeletei was there, watching from the block that was harboring Ronald overnight.
ReplyDeletei like to refer to that balloon as "S&M Ronnie."