Anyone got a cigarette? I'm spent.

On November 2nd, I peaked at 47,910 visitors in a 24 hour period. Now I'm back down to about 3,000 a day, which is still ten times more than I used to get prior to the JC Penney debacle. At least the pressure is off.

In other news, our friends told us to "bring games" with us tomorrow when we go over for Thanksgiving dinner. So my awesome wife came home with a giant deck of cards today.

Go Fish? Hardly. Uno? Not on your life. Much better than that. On each card is a different drinking game.

I opened them up in anticipation of immediate inebriation, and I was greeted with this card:

I am really glad I didn't dive right in and start playing, because obviously, had I missed this card, I would be lying in a gutter somewhere right now seriously injured or dead. Probably with giant exclamation points hovering over my cold, lifeless body.

Seriously, why would they even bother? I mean really -- their recommendation that you "play these games with non-alcoholic beverages" provides them with about as much actual legal protection as the "for tobacco only" sticker on the bong case at the local head shop.

I can just picture the crazy fun we'd have using Pepsi to play these games.

"Dude, I am so freakin' GASSY right now."

"Here, take my keys. I'm too BLOATED to drive home. Can I crash on your couch?"

Man, that sounds great, doesn't it?

*no, I don't smoke.


  1. Anonymous12:19 AM

    I came aboard during the JC Penney debacle, and I have every intention of sticking around. I'm strictly Live Journal myself, hence my anonymous reply, but I adore the hell out of your writing, man. The JC Penney piece was great, no doubt, but you've topped it again and again.



  2. I, like Mr Anonymous there, heard about you through the JC Penny times. I think if people don't read blogs, then they won't keep coming back. But for those of us who understand RSS, we've already added you and of course will return.

    It's weird, what brings in the hits, doesn't it? I spend more time thinking up things that I think are funny, but this one bitter post I wrote about a break up that happened over email brings home the bacon. JC Penney was great- but not even your best. Weird, right?

  3. Anonymous12:27 AM

    I just found your blog today, and I'm not even going to bother commenting to your 500+ commented post.. (lol)

    You. Are. Hysterical.

    I am going to come back every day. Even if I have to read the same thing twice, you're just that darn funny.

    Thank you for the laugh.

  4. Anonymous7:31 AM

    I've not commented lately because I couldn't fight my way through the crowds. You may consider hiring a janitor- I almost tripped on a bunch of empty beer bottles, plus the cigarette butts stink!

    Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

  5. I love that you refer to your wife as awesome.
    Happy Thanksgiving JV

  6. Anonymous10:51 AM

    And will you be sharing any of these drinking games with us? And have you ever heard of/played Beer Pong? As soon as I learn all of the rules I'll share them with you.

    Happy Turkey Day, JV!

  7. Anonymous11:13 AM

    I would be lying in a gutter somewhere right now seriously injured or dead. Probably with giant exclamation points hovering over my cold, lifeless body.


    I also first came over here because of the JC Penney debacle. That was hilarious.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

  8. Anonymous11:36 AM

    Here is a good drinking game for Christmas.

    Get a copy of Dr. Seuess’s How the Grinch stole Christmas.

    Make sure everyone has what they are drinking and make sure there is enough really enough for everyone in the game.

    The movie isn’t very long about 30 minutes but every time someone mentions the word who, Whoville or whatever combo with “who“, everyone takes a drink.

    The ending song is an ass kicker.

  9. But dude, there's nothing like a Drunken UNO game!

    I, too came aboard during the JCPenny debacle and I've been coming back. I'm one of those 'lurkers', I'll just read and once in awhile comment.

    Love the blog, I have cats myself and enjoyed the camping with cats.

    Keep blogging!

  10. Thanks...I'm one of your JC Penny fans...and have now started burning your candle at both ends. I start my lunch by reading your most current post, and then go back to the start and work my way through the archives. Thank goodness for you...or my new boring job would be hell.

    Thank you for the laughter (and the tears...) You're THAT good!

  11. Anonymous5:30 PM

    I've been here since long before JC Penny, mostly lurking. You're one of the funniest people I've ever read, and deserve all the attention you got from that post.

    You're right too. A drinking game is entirely pointless if it's done without alcohol.

    Keep up the funny shit Johnny.

  12. Anonymous7:01 PM

    JV- I've been onboad with you for about 2 years now....I think it's been that long. You are a daily, or whenever you update, read. You are a great writer and I've turned many a workplace buddy on to you. Keep up the good work and leave the cat home the next time you go camping. I you bring a cat out camping here in AZ, you might as well ring the dinner bell for the coyotes! Happy Thanksgiving!

  13. I just discovered I am a lurker!!! Its been nearly 2 years now...
    I didn't even know there was a name for my behaviour, I just thought I was one of the "silent minority"

    Its been interesting seeing the JCP explosion... I guess when somethings as good as this blog - its bound to happen

    btw - I think all men should refer to their spouses as "awesome"
    I am off to let 'him' know right now.

  14. I'm new here so I don't know about the JC Penney thing...but I'm gonna go look. And are you serious...3000? Seriously? I'm all tickled when I get 3...okay maybe 5...anything over that is one wild day in blogosphere for me.

  15. I like that you have just prompted everyone to relate their history with your blog. It can only go downhill from here, from the person who 'only reads you in bed' to the person who 'has secret plans in the making to get the awesome spouse out of the picture and get all the funnies to themselves' all the way to the one who 'won't kiss and tell.'

    Please do kiss and tell in regards to the drinking games. I'm in dire need of a) entertainment as my own humour is severely lacking after pulling University-induced all-nighters (with little company besides your archives) and b) inspiration as to how to celebrate the soon-to-be end of this term. I am perfectly willing to risk my life in the process. Ditches, here I come!

  16. 47,910 in one day!!! I doubt if I could blog long enough to get that many hits for the lifetime of my blog. I open a bottle of champers if I hit 50 which I have only done twice.

    You deserve the attention Johnny. I'm like most people here and have been aboard since the JCP thing and I aint going away any time soon :)

    Have a great weekend.

  17. Curious.

    What is the "JC Penney" debacle?

    rock on,


  18. I too found you from the JCP entry, but I dedicated a whole week (its the slow season here at work) to reading your two years of archives so I'm all caught up now. There is only one other blog in the world I've read all the archives for and read regularly; I've read it for three years. Now there will be two!

  19. I think I need to get me a set of these cards. They would make studying cows and sheep infinitely more interesting...

  20. Anonymous3:55 PM

    At the risk of being redundant,

    came for the JC Penney, stayed for the awesome.

  21. I can't believe I'm at work today. I'm so hung over. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

    JV-keep up the solid work.

  22. Anonymous5:44 PM

    drinking games are fun but really you cant go wrong with quarters especially when the rules kick in...no elbows on the table you cant say you, you cant say next, no using peoples names, start ever word with the leter B... good times...i think, i dont really remember them all


  23. Anonymous6:30 PM

    47,910? Holy shit. Dude, I'm lucky if I get 50-100 hits in a 24 hr period.

  24. Anonymous7:54 PM

    I am a newcomer as a result of the famous JC PENNY post...and I have not been disappointed once since. I just wish you posted mote often.

    but, since these posts ARE SO GOOD, I can see why you only post once a week......

    Im just gald I found your blog. The End.

  25. Anonymous11:58 PM

    I also found you through the JC Penney post, but what made me add you through RSS was the fact you took your cat camping. Seriously - any person who would do that and actually tell the world about it is someone I have got to read!

  26. Anonymous1:26 AM

    Love your sense of humor.

  27. Anonymous2:27 AM

    Of course I showed up for the JC Penny... but I've just about finished catching up on the archives. Just had to say, I think I have that same deck of cards... many of them require being drunk before game play begins, in my opinion...

  28. Off to find the cat camping post...

  29. I won't make you read the words again-you can figure out how I found your blog. I love your humor and style of writing, so I instantly subscribed to your RSS feed.

    I always entertain myself by reading the warning labels on products. I can't get over the different items that companies feel they have to tell you "not for consumption" - da*n! I was really craving a bottle of shampoo today!

  30. Yeah, that card took the wind out of my sail! WTF? Why would you play a drinking game with non-alcoholic beverages? Who are they trying to kid?

  31. I also came to read the JC Penney entry - loved it, and then proceeded to go through all of your entries.

    You could seriously write a book. Half fiction, half not...whatever, I would buy it instantly. Really, think about it. You have more writing talent than any other blog I've read so far.

  32. Like Jenyfer, I'm off to find the cat camping entry...and like half the other people found you via JCP and stayed because you make me laugh.

  33. Anonymous8:30 AM

    Love, love ,love your blog!!
    Just to add to the suggested drinking games...."Would You Rather?" (available at Spencers) drinking is not necessary, but it's a lot more fun!