This could be the solution I'm looking for.

There's a commercial that's been on quite a bit lately for a sleep aid called Lunesta. Normally I don't pay much attention to these types of medical advertisements -- the Enzyte debacle notwithstanding -- but invariably with these sorts of things, in the last ten seconds some guy with a deep, barely audible voice runs through all of the horrible side-effects that they are probably required by law to tell you about, but don't really want you to know. Like the "fine print" at the end of a car dealership ad when they tell you (at auctioneer speed) that you're not really going to get the fantastical deal they just told you that you were going to get.

Anyway, as the requisite droning voice in the commercial was going on and on about how Lunesta can cause drowsiness (what? my sleep aid can cause drowsiness? WTF?), garbage mouth, light-headedness, heavy-headedness, periodic shooting of luna moths from random orifices, etc. -- something catches my ear.

I backed up my DVR just to make sure I heard it right. It said:

"Instances of sleepwalking and driving while asleep and later having no memory of these activities has been reported."

Sleep-walking, yeah I can see that, but sleep-driving? That is a pretty serious side-effect. They are telling me that I could quite possibly find myself waking up behind the wheel of my car in the parking lot at work and having no recollection of how I -- wait, that's a really bad example.

I went to their website for more information and they elaborated on this theme a little bit. They say you are supposed to "Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep." Maybe it's just me, but that sounds pretty cool. I'll bet I would get a lot more done.

And really, at that point, why call? Hell, I'm already out cruising around in my sleep. I'll just hit a Taco Bell drive-thru and stop over at his house. I'm sure he'll be glad to see me standing in his doorway in my Underoos at 2am chowing down on a chimichanga and snoring.

Also, "engage in other activities?"

Like what? A Badminton tournament? A 5K marathon? S&M rodeo sex at a highway rest stop?

I can picture the morning call:

Me: "Hello, Doctor Marten?"
Doc: "Yes? What seems to be the problem?"
Me: "I woke up this morning and apparently.... well, I think I painted my house in my sleep last night."
Doc: "Oh my god! We've got to get you off that Lunesta right away!"
Me: "Uh, can I wait one more night? My wife thinks it needs a second coat."

At any rate, this stuff sounds dangerous. If you take it, you might want to hide your car keys. And probably your paintbrush. Either that or just stop over and I'll let you paint my house.

p.s. - Bring Meximelts.


  1. The best side effect of all time just might be "anal seepage".

  2. Wouldn't it be great if one could sleep/work-out at the gym.

  3. Double that with Requip and not only will be you be sleep eating and driving, but you'll develop a voracious sexual appetite and a gambling addiction. Almost makes one want little ants crawling around in their legs. Granted all some people have to do is cut their Haldol and they're good to go.

  4. Anonymous11:09 PM

    I've never really considered myself as a drop of water in an ocean of compromise.

    Now...compromising (positions)...yes.

  5. Makes you wonder how many people on the highway are sleep driving???
    Be careful of the guy painting his dashboard on your next commute.

  6. Anonymous11:33 PM

    i'm all in for recreational drug use, but it hasn't been the same since taco bell did away with the encharito.

  7. Ambien has the same warnings. Apparently there have been a number of cases where people have been prescribed these sleep drugs, then mysteriously gained 30-40 pounds the first month on the drugs...due to "sleep-eating" that they don't remember. Some reports even say that people wake up in jail, and they have to recollection of getting in their cars and getting in a major accident in the middle of the night. Now those are some serious side effects!!!

  8. I had a whole blog entry on the stupid warning, "Do not drive or operate heavy machinery until you know how you will react to Lunesta."

    Um...it's a sleeping pill. It will put you to sleep. What on earth are you doing popping one before you head off to drive the forklift anyway?

    Unless, of course, you're doing so in your sleep.

  9. Great! I'll pop one and have sex with my husband while I sleep.
    Not that I don't already.

  10. I found my way to this blog without the aid of any medication.
    Might need some to get out.

  11. Someone already beat me to the Requip comment. But I felt the need to go and copy exactly what is says...

    "Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop taking Requip."

    I don't know, would I be bothered by increased gambling if I was WINNING? If I was losing mad cash at the tables, then maybe I'd think about going off the meds. But if I kept doubling down and winning....I think I'd take an extra dose.

    And what exactly would those other "intense urges" be????

  12. Oh my God!!! I just realized what was wrong with the dim witted handyman who painted my bedroom wall, and I thought it was just his coke addiction!! Thanks for the heads up. He won't be back again...unless I have a craving for Taco Bell.

  13. Anonymous3:02 PM

    I just wish the two goats riding the bikes in my dreams would wear helmets.

  14. Is your doctor really named Martin or were you talking to your shoes in your sleep?

  15. I was going for the shoe joke, but didn't want to hit you over the head with it. It was either that or Dr. Scholls.

  16. This totally explains how my backside got so big. And why I woke up at a blackjack table in Reno.

  17. Aha! That explains my last 3 blog entries. No way I'd write anything that lame while I was awake.

  18. My husband took it for awhile. It was great having conversations with him that he wouldn't remember in the morning.

  19. JV, if you really need a sleep aid, you don't need medication. I'll just loan you my dairy cattle nutrition notes. They're enough to put even the toughest insomniac out!

    And hey, that requip stuff sounds like fun!

  20. Sounds like you might want to hide your pets, too. Just to be on the safe side.

  21. There is nothing like a little sleep sex to wear you out.

  22. ha ha ha...those side effects ar crazy...but I like the idea of getting alot more done and having no memory if it!

  23. I've done the sleep eating thing. Woke up in the middle of it, standing in front of a cold fridge, wondering how the hell I got there...

    And I never took that damn drug. Holy shit!

  24. Anonymous6:27 PM

    At least its not the diet drug that might cause "anal leakage".

    As for the sleep-driving, I think that refers to another a misbehaving Kennedy.

    The Reasonable Ego

  25. Can someone tell me which drug has the side effect of "death?" I think it's some diabetes drug. Yeah, I'm running to my doctor to get a prescription for that one.

  26. OMG - too funny. Just think of all the stuff you could blame on your sleep meds?? And after all that nocturnal activity I can't imagine waking up exactly refreshed!!

    My husband has a bowl of cereal before bed. Not nearly as interesting...

  27. Anonymous7:52 AM


  28. I took Ambien a Dr. prescribe for a long flight from LAX to Sydney. I popped one of those babies and out I went. 10 hours later I came to, somewhere over the Coral Sea, and as far as I knew, I could have been flying the Jumbo for those last 10 hours.

  29. Funny you posted about this- I just saw a commercial for Ambien at 4 am yesterday when I gave up trying to sleep for the rest of the night. I also heard the disclaimer about sleep walking, driving, and eating. I began to wonder if you take it and lock yourself in your room before bed, if you'd remember doing so and unlock the door to let yourself out...maybe thoughts like this are why I can't sleep....

  30. Anonymous11:20 AM

    Well, my friends call lunesta and ambien the butt sex drug, if that gives you any clue to the "other side effects"

  31. Anonymous11:28 AM

    Well damn!! If I'm lying there not doing anything anyway, might as well take Lunesta and get some stuff done around the house...

    Actually, now I'm wondering if someone's been spiking my food and/or drink with Requip, since I've been having some serious "making sexy time" dreams lately - hope they were only dreams!!

  32. Anonymous3:03 PM

    Ok, to be totally serious, I've taken Lunesta and Ambien (not at the same time!) and truly it knocks you out.

    I'm not a snacker, but there's been nights that I've taken one of the pills and I wake up the next morning and there's dirty dishes and wrappers on the counter. I never thought that "sleep eating" existed until I started taking Lunesta and Ambien.

  33. See, now that would just freak me right the hell out.

  34. I think those are side effects worth thinking about, don't you?

  35. Oh my God!!! You are the only other person in the world (that I have discovered thus far anyway) that also like Meximelts!!!! I guess we are why they keep making them. Which is a good thing since that's all I like at Taco Bell.....

  36. Haha, that'd be sweet to wake up and have my entire day's work done in my "sleep" ;)

  37. Anonymous12:18 PM

    It's true...one can do incredibly wonderful (or stupid) things on Ambien or Lunesta. There is even Ambien-texting much like drunk-texting. Never had to suffer through sleep driving or sleep eating but I did order shoes in the middle of the night apparently. Makes for interesting talk the next morning...and even more interesting things in the middle of the night.

  38. Anonymous4:53 PM

    A million other people have mentioned "Requip" the sudden urge to gamble, so I'm going to mention it too...

    Take that with Lunesta, Enzyte (a four hour what?!!) and it's party time in Vegas.

    I guess.

  39. Anonymous7:39 PM

    medicine is always scary. i sometimes don't take painkillers cause one of the side effects is basically kill YOU, so yeah, i think it's best to just deal w/ it.

  40. Anonymous7:24 AM

    I've been taking this sleep aid for almost a month now.
    1. If I take it on an empty stomach I will experience jumble talk of a mad man about 20mins later. Very entertaining for others but a pain for me trying to get a point across.
    2. I've noticed a massive increase in the desire to eat cereal at night...say around 2am.
    3. My dreams have become so vivid that twice now I’ve smacked myself in the face after falling or dreamed of being attacked.
    4. The best for last. Sadly my ass seems to leak when I fart. Not just the typical I had a few hot wings or beer farts, but enough to draw some attention. Asspons might be considered if use of Lunesta continues.

    Would suggest something other then Lunesta first.

  41. Anonymous5:32 AM

    i was on ambien for a few months the first few nights i fell asleep right away and felt great the next morning then it stopped putting me asleep then i had a party at my place had a few bags of trash sittin in my kitchen the next day and had to go to work got home said screw it ill take them out tomorrow took my ambien and i apparently cleaned my entire apartment including washing and putting away all my dishes dont remember a thing about it