I am pretty sure Snow Patrol has things in common with Milli Vanilli.

I just got back from a trip to NYC. I went down for a concert -- Snow Patrol, OK Go and Silversun Pickups. We missed Silversun Pickups waiting in line for drinks. That sucked. They had Ketel One, so that did not suck. OK Go were great. They looked like they were having a blast, and I love seeing that.

Snow Patrol looked and sounded good too -- a little *too* good, truth be told. For instance, the background vocals sounded like a full chorus at all times. I could make out at least two distinct women's voices, and there was nary a woman on stage or off. At one point the bass player was playing something completely different than what we were hearing. It looked like he wasn't even plugged in. It didn't seem to matter to the teenagers in attendance, however. Damn, I felt old. But fuck it, we had fun anyway. A side note: The open cellphone camera is the new lighter. It looks pretty weird to see all these kids holding up their little screens.

Before the show, we went to dinner to sort of celebrate my friend's engagement. He made the reservations since he knows NYC. He's marrying a lovely woman from Australia, who happens to be a vegetarian. He has since become one himself. Needless to say, since he is now too physically weak to lift a fork and steak knife, he picked a vegetarian restaurant for our group dinner. That way we all got to eat with two very light bamboo sticks.

First, though, let's clear something up. I am not a vegetarian. I like to eat animals. In fact, I'll go a step further, and say we're supposed to eat them. That's why they taste so damn good. Granted, they're probably not too pleased with this arrangement, but the way I look at it is like this -- the animals had a good run. For thousands of years predators of all types hunted and killed humans for food and sport. Then our opposable thumbs allowed us to make the .308 and it was all over. So I feel no qualms about eating meat. Especially chickens. Those little bastards were ruthless right up until the early 1600's.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be -- however, I think a lot my willingness to eat stuff-I-know-not-what had to do with how much wine I consumed before dinner. Everything I ate tasted like an egg roll dipped in soy sauce. Or slime.

That being said, you know you're in trouble when "Protein" is an actual menu item. Also, the reviews of this place boasted "The best approximation of meat anywhere!" I wanted to order that, if only to actually utter the sentence, "Yes. I'll have the approximation of meat, please." but it wasn't on the menu. They weren't lying, though. This stuff tasted exactly like meat, if meat was actually flavorless and rubbery in texture. Unfortunately, my mother's famous pork chops aside, it's not. This was nothing at all like meat. Of any kind. This was coagulated soy milk through and through. I will say this, however. I am willing to bet that you could take a dog turd and deep fry it in their batter and then soak it in sweet and sour sauce and you wouldn't be able to stop at one.

There was something on the menu called "Autumn Rolls" and so we ordered them. We were curious as to whether they'd be full of brightly colored leaves. They weren't. I'm not sure what was in there, but big surprise -- it was deep fried. I'm not sure why, but I was continually caught off-guard by the appetizer plate. Mostly because I didn't know what was going to be hot or cold when I put it into my mouth. When you're expecting a nice warm egg roll sort of thing, and instead you get a mouthful of cold wheat gluten, it's tough to follow through.

Also, don't eat too much of this soy crap. From what I've read, it isn't the perfect food most vegetarians would have you believe it is.

Regardless, we had a great night in NYC. Drunk chicks, rock n' roll, vodka, you name it. I managed to get out of there without a tattoo on my ass, so there's that. Wait...goddammit.


  1. Anonymous5:45 PM

    Damn, JV, if I'd known you were gonna be down in my neck of the woods, I'd have shown up and bought you a drink. Even a vegetarian can't screw up that. Vegans maybe, depends on what you like to drink.

    And, yeah, I know it's contradictory that Upstate Broad lives near NYC, but it's really not my fault that I fell for a Bronx homeboy; he's just such a studly sweetheart I couldn't help myself. But trust me, I'm originally from cow country between Rochester & Buffalo.

    Which reminds me, we haven't heard any of those hysterical reminiscences about your misspent youth in quite a while. I've missed those; they make me think of my own big brother and how boring my childhood would have been without him. And how boring my adulthood has been without him.

  2. My husband and daughter are both allergic to soy, which is AWESOME because it means I have even MORE of an excuse to sneak bacon into pretty much every meal. I mean, how else are they going to get their protein? Am I right?

  3. I realised I was really in love with my vegetarian boyfriend when I swallowed that last bite of the THIRD tofu (soy) so-called sausage taste-alike.

    It was rubbery and tasteless and NOTHING like meat. But he was so proud to have made me breakfast, I couldn't break his little vegetarian heart. Soy taste-alike is a big, bad scam!

  4. I remember my last trip to Mexico. I ended up on a tour for a few days with a vehement vegetarian viciously defending her vegetable eating lifestyle and casting me as a sinner for eating meat.

    I, of course, tortured her. I started by sitting as close to her as I could at meals (often directly across the table) and ordering my food as rare as possible.

    "Mmm... it's like I can taste the suffering!"

    "Send this one back to the chef, my stake doesn't taste like it was whipped enough when it was alive. It's like this animal lived a comfortable life, if you can believe it. Bring me something that begged for death that just wouldn't come fast enough."

    Fortunately the wait staff didn't speak English. I learned, however, that s fun as it is to make a rabid supporter of a lifestyle angry, ordering rare meat in Mexico is the equivalent of a bowel cleanser.

    That part I didn't share with her.

    Oh, and OK Go is a solid band. I applaud your choice. I'm trying to get back into music people have heard of after a long period of indie snobbery.

    - Scott

  5. Anonymous12:20 AM

    Soybeans: Threat or menace?
    I'm going to have fun describing the 'dangers of soybeans' to vegetarians and vegans!

  6. Isn't that open cell phone thing lame and/or annoying? I noticed that when I saw Green Day a few years ago.

  7. Re: Open Cellie... I find that the phrase, "...and that's how my (insert article of clothing here) got burnt" is uttered less and less, pity.

  8. We no lika suicide for milli or vanilli.

  9. USB, soon. I have a few of those up my sleeves.

    Scotty, that's just mean.

    Alan, glad to have been of service.

    R2K, I have no idea what that means.

  10. I hate when you a band "sweatens" their sound like that. The whole point of going to a live show is to see a LIVE SHOW.

  11. Who the hell is Snow Patrol and why am I so uncool?

  12. Soy is a scam...like we couldn't figure that out from how it tastes? I lived out in LA for 4 years, and the vegetarians practically orgasm over it. Ugh! Somehow, I don't think man evolved by eating soy...and I like meat too! When I would question friends why they became vegetarians, most of them didn't have a definitive answer. But, there are always those vehement, die-hard veggies whose eyes turn red as they indict you for "killing" animals for pleasure and luxuriate in their suffering. I just want to give them a napkin to wipe that spittle on their chin.

  13. Soybeans aren't completely evil... Edamame is awesome.
    Just sayin'....