After I bought it, I was thinking about the whole idea of Adidas making pit sticks. That's pretty diverse, since I only remember Adidas from their sneakers and warm up suits. I also think I remember both of these things being very popular with black guys. I'm hoping I'm not breaking any unwritten rules by rubbing this stuff on my whitey pits. I will have to run that by Special Dark.
So now that you are intimately familiar with the olfactory nuances of my armpits, I will get to the meat of this post. While I was perusing the aisle of the stuff of man-whores and picking up some more shampoo, I saw a couple of hair care products for men that I (with luck) will never use. The first is not so much a hair care product as it is a lack of hair care product. Check this out:
Yikes. Head Wipes. They are kind of like those little moist towelettes you use after you eat chicken wings, except they are more expensive and a little bigger. They claim to gently clean and freshen your head. The gentle part is good, because really, who wants to brutally clean and freshen their head? Not me, I can tell you that.
I have to confess that I didn't realize that bald heads can sometimes have that not-so-fresh feeling. Also, I just sort of figured that a shiny head was normal, and maybe even desirable in the bald circles, since that's normally what I see. Perhaps someone should step up and simply claim it to be so. Then you wouldn't need to chicken-wipe your head three times a day -- you could just Turtlewax that bad boy once in the morning and be done with it. And can someone please get Foreigner out of my brain? Thank you.
The other hair treatment I saw was this:
Now, as I've said. I am not bald -- I have hair. Some might say a lot of it. Too much, even. So I am a prime candidate for this product. I am this company's target market. That being said, there is no fucking way I am putting this stuff in my hair.
The Henna part, OK -- there's some wiggle room there. The 'n' placenta part is where I draw the line. I don't care if this shit is like stem cell rejuvenation for my scalp and smells like fresh strawberries and cream, I am not rubbing placenta on my body. Anywhere.
Why do they have to call it what it is? Doesn't this company have a marketing department? If they do, I'm betting it's still in the embryonic stages.* They may as well have called it Henna 'n' Afterbirth for god's sake.
This product has to win the worst marketing of the year award for, hell...for ever. All I'm saying here is that they need to change this name if they are serious about wanting to sell it to normal and fine people who do not paint their fingernails black and worship satan. They could maybe stick with the afterbirth naming convention, but call it HENNA/AB. Make it sound scientific instead of disgusting. I mean, even the guys over at Purina know you don't call your brand of dog food "bull penis and chicken guts" if you want to move units. You call it something like "Beef 'n' Chix.*"
*I think I rented that video once in college.
*I know, and I'm sorry.