People are slobs. F-bombs follow.

One of my least favorite things in the world is going camping and having to clean the campsite as soon as we get there because the inconsiderate assknobs who camped there before us couldn't be bothered to carry out their trash.

On this last trip, we encountered a new low.

In addition to the (sadly expected) assorted plastic cups and bags, my wife found a used condom, just lying there, dejected and deflated, about 15 feet from the fire pit.

For the life of me, I can't understand it. I can't understand why I have to bury piles of human shit and pick up garbage because the people who were there before us are too stupid or lazy to dig a hole or bring a garbage bag. Seriously, how hard is it to bury a condom?

Why don't these people just stay the hell home and drink? Their dorm room or parents' basement has to be more comfortable than sleeping out in the woods in a tent. Why go through the hassle of driving two and a half hours and then canoeing an additional hour in order to act like complete morons in the middle of nowhere?

If anyone reading this right now doesn't understand the concept of "if you carry it in, carry it out," this post is for you. As such, I have a few tips for you, especially if you happen to be one of the people below. Feel free to take them or leave them, but I'd actually just prefer that you die.

Loud Guy across the lake with the Bronx accent who uses the F-word in every single sentence: Just because it's quiet doesn't mean you have to scream at the top of your lungs every five minutes, is all I'm saying. You're there. We get it. You exist. However, let me tell you this -- You are the reason involuntary sterilization exists. I am sorry to say that in this case, the concept has miserably failed the rest of humanity by letting your baboon/hyena parents bring you and your mutant litter-mates to term.

Parents who refuse to let your new baby impact your outdoorsy lifestyle: Face it. Your life has changed. Just because you have an SUV instead of a minivan because you refuse to admit your life is no longer your own, it doesn't mean you don't have a kid. And once you have a kid, you have certain societal responsibilities, like not inflicting your kid on other people, either knowingly or unknowingly. So listen carefully: If you must go camping with your 2 year old, please refrain from leaving full pampers in the fire pit when you go back home. I realize you don't want to burn or bury them, (or god forbid carry them out) but neither do I. In fact, given a choice, I would burn and bury you and your child instead.

Kayakers who have inane conversations with each other while 500 yards apart: Here's a tip for you -- there is no invisible forcefield that keeps you from paddling next to each other and conversing in a normal tone of voice. Don't talk loudly about how you don't see any wildlife. The reason you are not seeing any wildlife is because you don't shut your fucking pie hole for 30 seconds at a stretch. And other people on the lake don't really give a shit if you think that the only way to get a good watertight seal on a flat roof is to put down rubber sheeting first.

People who try to burn things that any brain-damaged drooling idiot would realize will not burn, or should not BE burned: This list includes 14" diameter, 6-foot long logs that were actually intended to be used to sit around the fire. Also on the list - freshly cut pine trees that you just chopped down. Also please add picnic tables, cans, bottles and out-house doors as well. It takes the rangers quite a bit of time to bring materials by boat to a remote campsite and set up a picnic table. Don't burn it.

Chainsaw/generator guy: Just go the fuck home. Now. Someone needs to knock out your single remaining tooth and then pack it into your esophagus with their car. This is not a drive-n-camp at Lake George. This is a remote lake in the middle of nowhere, and some people come here to get away from noise. You are the only tool on the entire lake with an outboard motor, a generator and a chainsaw, and that should tell you something.

I apologize for the rant, but dammit that felt good. Call me a sanctimonious tree hugger, I don't care. I'm really not though. I just have common sense and a little bit of courtesy for my fellow campers.

Anyway, after I buried the condom (that sounds dirty, doesn't it?) we did nothing but read, eat, sleep and relax for two days. It was glorious.


  1. Actually I'm thinking that thing is about 5 seconds away from wearing lipstick and posing for its own dirty webcam.

    And as a fellow backpacker I fully support everything you said above. There should be laws. Those laws should allow us to shoot those people on sight, provided we are prepared to bury the assholes carefully and leave only footprints. Preferably footprints that cannot be traced back to us.

  2. Roachmon12:42 AM

    Amen, Bro..
    What You & Nessa said and more..
    In AZ, (Yes, Phoenix...You love Phoenix..... but the days are around 85 degrees now and nights in the low 70's, good beer camping & beer drinking weather...And I remember what winters are like, spent 29 years in Northern Michigan...) As another backpacker as well, on the hikes I've taken my now 12 year old son, I've always picked up garbage on the trail as well, candy wrappers, ciggy butts, etc, but he made me real proud on the last few Boy Scout hikes we went on, he was unloading his pockets of garbage he found along the trail at the end of the hike. Too bad they like to bust/shoot/break glass out here in the low desert.....it's everywhere..

  3. I went camping in Harriman State Park once and got to listen to Led Zeppelin. Another time I went camping in Maine and got to hear a woman faking it as her boyfriend made wild animal sounds and their kids in the next tent giggled. That was the most horrifying experience, more so than the bugs. I have not camped since.

  4. Preach on. Seriously. I'd like to say that the northern campsites in Michigan are better, but.. well, they're not.

    I would humbly like to suggest that I'm willing to act as an alibi for any of you who perhaps might accidentally end the life of previously mentioned asscampers, provided you are willing to reciprocate should I find myself in a similar regrettable situation.

    Just a thought.

  5. Yes it is really sad. Cant enjoy nature without some jerks trash.

  6. mmmmmmmmmmm Alpaca Burger.....

  7. The sunset pic is primo.

  8. you really can't keep a flat roof dry without a rubber seal.

  9. Verity Kindle10:54 PM

    A lot of the same problems in southwest Oklahoma- a lot of really good camping because it's so dry, but the locals don't go camping- it's all out-of-staters who don't give a $%#& that they've left cigarette butts and candy wrappers behind them on the trail for the last two miles. They seem to think that garbage that hits the ground somehow evaporates instantly. Gah.

  10. Anonymous4:49 AM

    your camping trip sounds like an average day at the student apartments in finland. condoms are NOTHING.

  11. Richard2:25 PM

    Cans actually burn quite well, thank you.

  12. I've seen them burn if the fire is hot enough. But apparently when your fire consists of picnic table parts, the cans never burn.

  13. Anonymous11:58 AM

    i know u didnt just say that cute, poor lil baby illama would be good with some lemon pepper chipotle sauce.
    i know my dyslexia kicked in just abt then.......