How did I not know about this?

Dammit, you people never tell me anything. Apparently, The Game "took numerous shots at" Fiddy and G-Unit at the Summer Jam.

I had to read the article if only to find out if they meant "shots" like bang-bang-bang-you-have-bullet-holes-in-you-now-and-you're-bleeding to-death in-your-Escalade, or "shots" like calling Fiddy a dick in rhyme or something. In this case, it was the latter. But The Game got kicked out of G-Unit, so it stands to reason. G-unit, for god's sake. You can't get kicked out of that and go on to live a life not full of bitterness and anger.

OK, I really have no idea what a "G-unit" is, because I am not a fan of rap, as I'm sure you've heard me say before. But after accidentally reading an article about something called Chingy the other day, (only to find out what, exactly, a "Chingy" was) I have discovered something:

Rappers have officially run out of good names.

I say this with certainty --however, keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what makes a good or bad rap name, so I could be wrong. But probably not.

I decided I'd do a little research, based upon my limited exposure to the world of famous people who shoot each other for fun, and it seems that certain prefixes have been co-opted by the rapping set.

Lil', for instance. You've got your Lil' Al, Lil' Blacky, Lil' Bobb'e Bling, Lil' Boosie, Lil' C Style, Lil' Cease, Lil' Eazy E, Lil' Fate, Lil' Flip, Lil' Fly, Lil' jon, Lil' Keke, Lil' Kim, Lil' Larry, Lil' Moe, Lil' Rob**, Lil' Romeo, Lil' Ron, Lil' Scrappy, Lil' Sicko, Lil' Troy, Lil' Uno, and Lil' Wayne.

And conversely, to keep the Lil's in line, you have your Bigs. Big Gibb, Biggy Smalls, Big Hutch, Big L, Big Lurch, Big Moe, Big Prodeje, Big City, Big Daddy Kane, Big Gee, Big Gipp, Big Punisher, Big Riqq, Big Scoot, Big Shasta, Big Sty, Big Syke, Big T, Big Tuck, Big Tymers, and Big Yoni.

I wonder if Big Moe could make Lil' Moe do his evil bidding. I think he could.

There are also a buttload of DJs. DJ Cherry Martinez, DJ Clue, DJ Crazy Toones, DJ Cut Chemist, DJ Demp, DJ Dove, DJ EFN, DJ Envy, DJ Green Lantern*, DJ Jams Jay, DJ Kay Slay, DJ Khaled, DJ Maxximus. DJ Paul, DJ Quik, DJ Scratch, DJ Shadow, DJ Spinna, DJ Storm, DJ Strong, DJ Whoo kid, and DJ Yella.

We also have lots of Youngs. Almost no Olds at all, because I don't think gangsta rappers live very long as a general rule. A few Cools. A smattering of J's. Not as many MCs as I expected.

So obviously, individuality is a big part of picking your rap name.

Once I got to this final list, I knew that all the good ones must have been taken:

Droop E
Dolla Willa
Eazy-E
Equipto
Intellekt
Hall of Justus
Hi-C
J Dilla
J money
J MESS
J period
Z-Ro

I am pretty sure Equipto and Intellekt have their headquarters in the Hall of Justus, but I could be wrong. And Dolla Willa sounds like something that fought Mothra over Tokyo. Also, I am especially impressed with Hi-C, who apparently picked his rap name while eating a hearty breakfast. I have a feeling it was a toss up between that or Frostid Flaykz.

Oh yeah, and don't forget Z-Ro, who seems to have a problem with low self-esteem, and Droop-E, who I can only hope is shooting for that "bad really means good" thing -- otherwise it's an unfortunate choice, and it's probably not going to get him laid much.

So to sum up, I can't tell you the difference between hip-hop, rap, east-coast, west-coast or gansta, but I do know this:

I'm just a middle-class white boy and I don't understand your complicated rapper ways.

By the way -- I'd appreciate it if alla y'all don't kill me.

Word.




*DC comics should sue the bling off this guy.
**Lil' Rob? I expected Lil' Curly, or maybe Lil' Shemp