I think the left side of my body may be dying faster than the right.

It started a few years ago. My eye doctor said, "Johnny, your left eye has what we in the business call "an astigmatism."

"A stigmatism?" I replied.

"No AN astigmatism," he said.

"Is that fancy doctor talk for can't see shit?" I asked.

Turns out it's fancy doctor talk for why my left eyeball was no longer exactly left-eyeball-shaped. For some reason, it decided that being round was no longer hip and cool, and went all oblong up in that bitch.

Right after that, I was snowboarding and there was a yard sale whereupon I went one way and my board went the other. For those of you who snowboard, you know how difficult actually getting that to happen really is. Since your feet are basically fastened to the board, the only way you can do it is by ripping your foot completely out of the boot. The unfortunate result of this ass over Gortex maneuver was that the ligaments in my left ankle were pulled like taffy. Six weeks wearing a brace followed by some PT and I was almost-but-not-quite-right. I still limp when I first jump out of bed in the morning.

Next, the rotator cuff of my left shoulder decided that it has had quite enough bench pressing thank you very much, and it went on strike in the middle of a work out. I'm not exactly sure how this happened, since my shoulders pretty much work as a pair, and hence should have roughly the same warranty. It's not like my left shoulder is out partying all night without the right one, although I can't confirm that since I'm busy sleeping.

Most recently, my left elbow has been hurting like hell. And I know what you're thinking and that's not the problem, so shut it. I think I originally effed it up moving 5 cords of wood from one spot to another. I accomplished this firewood move by throwing it, a single log at a time, which in retrospect was probably not the most efficient method. I had a few cortisone shots, but it hasn't really helped, other than to tweak my fear of needles.

On the bright side, I can still hear pretty good out of my left ear, and my left hand can still remember how to type. Perhaps I'm done with the left-leaning deterioration for a while -- although I have a sneaking suspicion that my left testicle is hanging a little lower than my right.

I'll have to keep an eye on it --you know, just to make sure it doesn't roll out of my pant leg at an inopportune time.


  1. I'm glad you realized this...I'd been meaning to say something about it to you for the longest time. I just don't think the left side of your body is putting in any effort. I know it's capable of so much more. To be honest, I think it's just sheer laziness.

    (also, I'm pretty sure the word verification required for me to post this comment is one of Cthulhu's sacred, unspoken names.)

  2. Jeez Johnny, keep this up and there will be nothing left.


  3. Warcrygirl, bravo.

    Johnny V, I can sympathize. However, for me it's my right side. I'm constantly taking damage to it. Most recently I was on top of a rickety chair (which I swiped from a building that was being torn down... and understood why it was left behind), slightly intoxicated and retreving blankets for a guest of mine precariously standing on this chair. I reached up to grab the linnens in question and promptly the world became a blur of computer monitors and blue carpeting.

    I fell, heard a mighty pop from my right hip, bruised the bones of my right foot (somehow?) and gathered a collection of brusies on my right leg. The hip thing still feels funny. I also kicked one of my monitors. The right one. Coincidence? I think not.

    It's just a damn good thing we've never been in any kind of three-legged race situation. Because there's no way we'd get out of that one without disaster of some kind.

    - Scott

  4. In ten years, I'll be dragging my left side around like a bag of cold meat.

    Scotty, you are right, unless you stand to my left. That way, all the damaged stuff will be in the sack and we can just drag it to the finish line.

  5. Anonymous6:21 AM

    There's something going on with my left side! I think maybe it was squashed when I was in the womb.. it's strange.. let's see..

    I had a cyst cut from on top of the left side of my head.
    I have a big freckle in the shape of the southern cross on the left side of my nose.
    The end of my left eyebrow sticks up.
    I have a cow lick thing on the left side of my head.
    My left eye is slightly more closed.
    My left ear is bigger and lower.
    I have about 20moles all up.. all on the left side of my body.
    I have
    My left boob is lower and hurts sometimes.
    I have a double jointed left thumb.
    I have been diagnosed with a couple of limpomas on the left side of stomache.
    I sprained my left ankle on Friday.
    Oh and my left front tooth is crooked.

    Needless to say in pics I turn to the right!

  6. Anonymous1:23 PM

    So, I have no idea if anybody looks at comments made almost 6 years after a post, but I found your blog only about 3 years ago. I'm working my way back thru the archived posts as I am (you guessed it) eating my lunch at my desk. I can't believe that nobody would rise to the bait, so here goes:

    If the reason we're thinking your left elbow is hurting really isn't what we're thinking, then does that mean you're a righty?