I think the left side of my body may be dying faster than the right.

It started a few years ago. My eye doctor said, "Johnny, your left eye has what we in the business call "an astigmatism."

"A stigmatism?" I replied.

"No AN astigmatism," he said.

"Is that fancy doctor talk for can't see shit?" I asked.

Turns out it's fancy doctor talk for why my left eyeball was no longer exactly left-eyeball-shaped. For some reason, it decided that being round was no longer hip and cool, and went all oblong up in that bitch.

Right after that, I was snowboarding and there was a yard sale whereupon I went one way and my board went the other. For those of you who snowboard, you know how difficult actually getting that to happen really is. Since your feet are basically fastened to the board, the only way you can do it is by ripping your foot completely out of the boot. The unfortunate result of this ass over Gortex maneuver was that the ligaments in my left ankle were pulled like taffy. Six weeks wearing a brace followed by some PT and I was almost-but-not-quite-right. I still limp when I first jump out of bed in the morning.

Next, the rotator cuff of my left shoulder decided that it has had quite enough bench pressing thank you very much, and it went on strike in the middle of a work out. I'm not exactly sure how this happened, since my shoulders pretty much work as a pair, and hence should have roughly the same warranty. It's not like my left shoulder is out partying all night without the right one, although I can't confirm that since I'm busy sleeping.

Most recently, my left elbow has been hurting like hell. And I know what you're thinking and that's not the problem, so shut it. I think I originally effed it up moving 5 cords of wood from one spot to another. I accomplished this firewood move by throwing it, a single log at a time, which in retrospect was probably not the most efficient method. I had a few cortisone shots, but it hasn't really helped, other than to tweak my fear of needles.

On the bright side, I can still hear pretty good out of my left ear, and my left hand can still remember how to type. Perhaps I'm done with the left-leaning deterioration for a while -- although I have a sneaking suspicion that my left testicle is hanging a little lower than my right.

I'll have to keep an eye on it --you know, just to make sure it doesn't roll out of my pant leg at an inopportune time.