AC is a chick magnet.

Anyway, back to crazy drunk conference lady. As I said, we were standing there waiting for the shuttle and talking amongst ourselves when she stumbles up, clearly intoxicated.

She must have a weakness for large black men, because she makes a beeline for AC and starts talking in a non-stop drunken slur. She completely ignores our respective wives for the first minute or so, intent on talking shop with AC, and then asks my wife if we all met at the conference. My wife jokingly says "No, they just picked us up at the bar, and we're going back to their hotel."

The crazy drunk conference lady starts in on how awesome the hotel is, and how it will "treat them right." She was drunk enough to actually believe my wife, which was pretty funny.

My wife and AC's wife, recognizing the serious amount of crazy in play here, move themselves slowly away and continue their conversation, leaving AC and I alone with CDCL. She suddenly says "So here's my story" and then launches into the entire sordid history of her trip so far, starting with Saturday night and working her way forward through a series of drunken encounters. She starts telling AC about how she was just at the bar and some guy was hitting on her with a line about how his wife had just died, and he wanted to give her a ride back to the hotel. I don't think either of us had heard that particular line before, and we were wondering if perhaps his wife had actually just died, and was, at that point in time, still back in his room rapidly cooling.

Then she starts asking about our ages. She is smashed out of her gourd, and says that we look like we're in our twenties. We break the news to her, and she comments on how smooth AC's skin is, and I think that line is supposed to aid her in trying to steal him away from the "local girl" that he just "picked up." Abruptly, she says to AC "Let me see your teeth." -- like she can tell his real age by the amount of wear on his molars, in the same way she would if he had been a horse she was thinking of buying. Instead of saying "Fuck No, Crazy Lady," AC complies with his best Mr. Ed grin, and she leans in close and checks out his fine incisors. I'm still not sure exactly what she was looking for, but I guess she was impressed with his obvious dental prowess.

Finally, AC gets tired of being inspected for signs of age, and pulls out his license just to prove he was really as old as he said he was.

Luckily, the bus came right about then and saved us. On the ride back, we disclosed that the women were actually our longstanding wives, and that we didn't just pick them up at a bar. As we're walking into the hotel, AC is talking about CDCL and doesn't realize she's about ten feet behind us. I don't think she heard him though. She was already setting her sights on her next tall black man with fine molars, since AC was obviously taken. Either that, or on her next drink.

Probably both.


  1. BOOO CDCL! HOORAY BEER! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

  2. Dont look anything in the mouth, the mouth is nasty. Look an animal in the breasts. Like a cow? Run right up to that udder (utter?) and say hello. Take a drink, she wont mind.

  3. I hate to be social (or even talk, or look at people) while I eat. Food time is for food. Socialize after or another time.

    When I eat, I prefer to be in a dark room alone with a large TV.

  4. Holy Shit! I love the Mr. Ed comment. To picture a big, bald black man with Mr. Ed teeth had me rolling.

  5. And now your talking about having him doing someone dry - OMG - I am going stomach is going to burst.

  6. I don't think the stomach is what's in danger there.

    But the part of the brain that registers poor grammar...oh yeah, yeah that little center of neurons and pathways is hummin'.

    "talking about having him doing"

    Heather...where did ESL go wrong?

    Johnny - I have nothing to say about your post. Not because it was sub-standard or lacked hilarity...but rather because like a beautiful poem, or a painting, it stands alone.