5/13/06

I'll trade you a claw hammer for your sunshine bear.

I was driving home in the pouring rain yesterday, and as usual, I had some idiot riding my ass. Finally, I changed lanes to let him pass, and it turned out that him was a her. An old her. This grey-haired old lady was sure in a hurry to get somewhere -- maybe her Milk of Magnesia kicked in early or something, I don't know. At any rate, she was pissing me off, so I moved over. She passed me, and then locked up her brakes because the guy in front of me was going pretty slow too, but she hadn't noticed. She swerved side to side, and then pulled into MY lane, about an inch from the front of my car.

I flashed her my high beams, and was about to flip her off when I saw that she had roughly 35,567 stuffed animals on the rear window deck. So many, in fact, that there was no way in hell she would ever be able to see past these things to my angry, agitated finger. There was literally a two-inch gap at the top, and that was the extent of her rear-visibility.

I have no idea what posesses people to stack this kind of shit on their rear deck. Stuffed animals, bobble-head dolls, I've even seen cats and dogs (real ones) up there for the ride.

I saw an episode of myth-busters one time where they tested out whether or not stuff stored up there could actually injure you in an accident. Turns out, it can. If you rear-end someone, that stuff can come flying forward at 60mph and hit you right in the back of the head. Granted, not much of a problem with stuffed animals, but I will have to do some research to see if anyone was ever injured by a high velocity persian cat or a Lou Gehrig bobble-head to the base of the skull.

It was too bad I couldn't follow her home, wait for the middle of Wheel of Fortune, then sneak into her car and replace the stuffed animals with a pile of rusty kitchen knives, a bucket of claw hammers and an old set of lawn darts. Cover this up with a thin layer of stuffed animals and she's good to go.

5 comments:

  1. My grandparents still have a set of jarts. Jarts have some sort of magnetic attraction for little kids. In the time it took to set up the hoops and throw the first jart, a kid that was 400 yards away would be in the hoop before the jart could land.

    I think that's why the grandkids are all fairly smart. The dumb ones were killed by jarts.

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  2. That's funny and true. Actually, when we played Jarts, the safest place to be was probably in the hoop.

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  3. No one who is serious about driving safely gunks up their rear visibility with stuffed animals, or their forward visibility with fuzzy dice under the rearview. Just possesing those things ought to be enough reason to revoke someone's license.

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  4. I used to have a Yankees ball cap on my rear window deck, but it almost got me killed here in Red Sox country.

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  5. When I don't have the kids in the car with me I usually hit the brakes when I get a tail-gater. I've never actually been hit and it wakes them up pretty fast.

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