Procylon vs. Enzyte: Smackdown!

OK, so it appears that Enzyte has some stiff competition these days. I was listening to the radio on the way home from Boston, and I heard no less than ten commercials for this herbal supplement called Procylon, which has all the standard longer, fuller, firmer claims that Enzyte makes.

The reason I thought this commercial was hilarious is because they toss another claim in there that I've never heard before:

"Longer, fuller, firmer, more frequent erections!"

I can only speak for myself here, but the marketing department seems to be missing the mark a little bit. If I were having erectile dysfunction issues, the one thing I wouldn't care so much about is frequency.

I just want it to work when I need it to -- I don't necessarily need more of them.

I don't want to be walking through the international foods aisle at the supermarket, minding my own business, and suddenly --- THWACK! -- knock a box of Ortega taco shells off the shelf.

I'd be thinking, "Son of a bitch! Not another one! That's like my 13th today! You'd think once or twice I'd actually be in a position to use the damn thing when it happens, but no."

What if I happened to be looking at the Apolo Ohno Wheaties Box at the time, or even worse, at Captain Crunch or Frankenberry? That shit could scar you for life, not to mention the fact that if anyone saw you, they would probably call the police.

So listen up, Procylon marketing department -- stop trying to pitch me on frequency, ok? Unless your pill can get me more frequent opportunities for sex along with more frequent erections, we have nothing to talk about.


  1. who are you kidding you're not knocking anything off a shelf with that thing. You'd be lucky to tip a box of Lucky Charms a few degrees off top dead center if you were standing facing the shelf and actually touching the box with your groin prior to the inception of #13

  2. At least I can see mine without a mirror.

  3. oh wait -- you can too now, I forgot.

  4. what - you have radio ads for that sort of thing in the US???? Yet you (as a nation, not personally, dear chap) get upset about Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction? Jeez, talk about inconsistent.

  5. yeah, I have to say the whole knocking things off the shelf - that's easily fixed. I use a bungy chord, which keeps the load properly tied down, if you get my drift.

    I mean, you have to be safe out there.

  6. Sounds like they want to turn the average male back into a hormonal 13 year old.

  7. We have ads in the US for all sorts of things you don't want to hear about...this being one of them. DO they think we don't have kids with ears. I don't want to explain sex to a 6 and 8 yr old, let alone what the heck erectile dysfunction is!!!!!!!!!!!

    They can skip the tampon and whats the one with the birth control the circle thingy--that too!

  8. Yes, but now you won't need your hands to carry the doughnuts to the register. This could be a boon to amputees everywhere.

  9. Still chuckling at your very first sentence here in which you describe the type of competition. You clever man you.

  10. I'm getting some strange looks in the office here as I silently convulse and wipe tears from my eyes. I think actually roaring laughter would draw even more attention, though. At least only one person can actually see my desk from theirs.